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Share Ur Experience

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Icecold3710, Feb 20, 2016.

  1. Icecold3710

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    Hi guys! can u please share your experiences after settling down with your partner, I wanna know the positive and negative if u could please. I 'm battling of "is it worth it" especially this later in life to come out.Also, how do u attract them? specifically women. Sorry, i am totally lost ans confused.Thanks in advance!
     
  2. Orchidea123

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    No experience as such, but I would think if you are later in life and not married, you are lucky since you are free to discover new things and be true to yourself.
    Good luck, anything that feels right is worth it!
     
  3. Icecold3710

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    Thanks Orchidea! not married yet just engaged :tears:.
     
  4. WanderingMind

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    Hi Icecold. I am gleaning the following information from your posts: you're engaged, about to be married, and experience at least some feelings that lead you to believe you are also (or only?) attracted to women.

    You've asked to hear the good and bad things about being married, and also bi or lesbian.

    I am happily married (almost 24 years), and figured out I am bi about five months ago, so my story is a lot different than yours would be. I had years of peaceful, uncomplicated (at least in terms of my sexuality) attraction to my husband. So, what I have to offer is limited in terms of what it *could* have been like if I'd entered my marriage knowing then what I know now.

    My one piece of advice is this... talk to your fiancé about your feelings. Ensure that he is supportive, and open to accepting this aspect of you. There are many different stories here on EC---partner reactions can range from abusive to loving. You want a partner who is loving.

    Maybe he is willing to wait for marriage until you're more certain about your orientation. Maybe he is open to letting you explore and be sure you're ready to marry him. Maybe he will even help you figure this all out. If these are true, then I would anticipate that if you are married, the good parts will be plenty, and the tough ones will at least be faced together. That's what you hope for in any good marriage!

    I'm lucky enough to have a partner like that. It's been very worth it to come out to him. Sure, we've struggled with lots of complicated, messy, and painful emotions. We've asked difficult questions, and are still navigating what feel like pretty rocky seas. But, we're in this *together*, and stronger because of it. The difficult parts are the painful emotions and the scary questions. The good parts are that we're becoming stronger in the broken places.

    If I'd known about my bisexuality prior to being married, I anticipate I would have wanted time to experiment. I would have asked for it. I don't know what might have changed...

    (*hug*)
     
    #4 WanderingMind, Feb 24, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2016
  5. Icecold3710

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    Hi Wandering Mind,

    Thank you for sharing your experiences with me.I really appreciate it. Telling my fiance is not an option for me,he will never understand it. If you don't mind, I just want to know, how you feel about them?Do you favor one over the other?
     
  6. WanderingMind

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    I felt the same way about telling my husband. I *never* expected the outcome that came. However, *not* telling him became more painful than the alternative. A consistent theme around here seems to be that the secret grows and becomes more and more difficult to contain. Have you thought about what it might be like to face these feelings alone, long-term? Now... imagine facing the same feelings, but with a supportive partner. Which life is the one you want to live? Are there steps you can take to make that a reality?

    When you ask how I feel about 'them' - I assume you mean how attracted am I to women as compared to men? Or, possibly, as compared to my husband? Thankfully, I remain super attracted to my husband. I am also ridiculously attracted to women, and face some of the strongest desires I've ever had. My gaze sways both directions. If I'm out and about and paying attention to my attractions (which is always, these days), I'm as likely to find a man desirable as I am a woman. *However* I am not interested in pursing a relationship with another man. My husband fulfills those needs. I *am* very interested in pursuing a relationship with another woman. This is disconcerting, confusing, and cause for those upsetting/painful feelings I mentioned in my last post.

    Have you read much about the Kinsey scale? I'd put myself at about a 3... although lately it feels like a 4. At first, I would have said a 2.

    Does this help...?
     
  7. Nickw

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    Hi Icecold

    I am going to second (or third) the advice to come out to your future husband.

    After 30 years of marriage, I am now wrestling with coming out to my wife as a bisexual. I have been what would be described as "a solid guy" for my whole life. Now, facing some health issues, I am in a bit of a crisis...some of it regarding my sexuality. Had my spouse known all along I am sure that some of what I am facing would be better. Coming out now is going to be complicated.

    Thing is...I know my wife would have accepted in 30 years ago...I was just scared. Give your fiancé some credit. Your feelings will not go away and may get stronger or may become confused with other issues in your life.
     
  8. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi Icecold

    I just want to agree with others that the feelings do intensify as time goes by and if you don't do something about them they start to tear you apart and cause depression. I found that I could not remain in the closet any longer and even though I shared your thoughts as to if it was going to be worth it coming out I was the best thing I did even at the age of 53 ad 25 years into a marriage.

    My wife has been super supportive and we are still together 3 years later after coming to a working arrangement.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  9. Icecold3710

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    Have you read much about the Kinsey scale? I'd put myself at about a 3... although lately it feels like a 4. At first, I would have said a 2.

    Does this help...?[/QUOTE]

    Hi! Thanks for responding back again. yes I am aware of it,so if u are 4 in Kinsey scale..it means u preferred women than men..that if u were given a chance to choose u rather be with a woman isn't it? pardon me if i am wrong..You came out as bi 5 months ago..have u ever been attracted to women before you get married?

    :kiss: Thanks again.
     
  10. Not all out

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    I have a good idea what you are going through. I did come out as bisexual to my wife when we'd been together about five years (that was over 25 years ago), have since told her I'm probably gay, but am out to few others though I really want to be. The hurdle you face is the agony of keeping it to yourself vs. the reaction you fear you'll get by telling her now. I guess the key is really knowing yourself. If you're sure you're not gay, I'd say there's a good chance of making it work after disclosing your bisexuality, and it's worth taking that chance. If you are gay, it could be a bigger struggle. Good luck.
     
  11. Icecold3710

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    Hi! Thanks for responding back again. yes I am aware of it,so if u are 4 in Kinsey scale..it means u preferred women than men..that if u were given a chance to choose u rather be with a woman isn't it? pardon me if i am wrong..You came out as bi 5 months ago..have u ever been attracted to women before you get married?

    Thanks again.
     
  12. Distant Echo

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    I came out as bi in September last year to my then partner. Quickly realised I wasn't bi and ended the relationship. He has finally moved out. He was fine with me being bi, not happy about me being lesbian, but seems to have more or less (depending on the day) accepted it now.
    While apart from him and living in the same house, I joined a lesbian dating site and have just started seeing someone from that site, met her in person last weekend actually, after texting and phone calls for a while.
    Ive done the Kinsey scale thing and come out as a five...which feels right. The realisation that I am lesbian meant I couldn't stay with him. It got pretty bad there for a while.

    Please, if you can't talk to your fiancé about this, delay the marriage....this is not something you want in the marriage....you need to know yourself first.
     
    #12 Distant Echo, Feb 25, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2016
  13. Icecold3710

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    HI Nick. Thanks for the advice. He is a devout catholic, I really don't think he will understand me.Hope u dont mind me asking, why is it complicated for u now? Why don't u just follow your heart?
     
  14. Nickw

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    Icecold

    I did not want to steal your thread. I have a degenerative back problem that may leave me impotent...the surgery may also. I like being bi...even though I never acted on it. So, I am unrealistically mad at everyone including my wife.

    Life can change and you never know what will happen. I could use my wife's support and understanding...but, how to ask? You may have a crisis some day and need the love of your life to understand everything about you.

    I was a devout Catholic myself. I gave up the faith to marry my wife. So, I get it...tough decision!
     
  15. Icecold3710

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    Hi SaleGayGuy

    Thanks for the advice. I am grateful to those who shared their experiences, it helps me to put things into perspective (*hug*)

    I am happy that u found peace, love and contentment in life.

    ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2016 at 10:27 PM ----------

    Thanks inamirrordarkly for the advice. You are right i need to find myself first. I am just afraid of the consequences and the uncertainty. I have been planning to join some LGTB Camping Groups in our area this coming summer.I hope i will get lucky :eusa_ange. Hope u get lucky too!:kiss:
     
  16. Icecold3710

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    I dont mind,u stealing my thread i am happy that u guys shared your life to me I am sorry of what u have been through..I just wanna (*hug*) u. and from all of us (&&&).
    What u said, made me realize that i need to seize the moment because u will never know what will happen in the future. i wanna be happy now.. not next year or following year its should be now and i guess its not too late for u as well.:kiss:
     
  17. Nickw

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    Icecold

    My experience has not led me to believe that I should sieze the day. I almost did with a gay fling. But, that would have solved nothing. At the end of the day I would still be looking at me in the mirror.

    My point is that one's life changes and, along with that, the importance, and intensity, of your same sex desires. We think we can handle it, and in my case, compartmentalize it, but your future you may not be as good at that.

    I have been a rock/mountain climber, white water kayaker etc. I learned to channel fear into anger...very useful on the side of a mountain. But, very disruptive with emotions and relationships. So now I am needing to learn some new coping skills and I think I need my wife with me...with all the information. Her not knowing just adds to my stress now.
     
  18. yeehaw

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    Oh boy. So, my opinion is that it's really not OK for you to know this about yourself and hide it from your fiancé. That's pretty important information for him to know *before* he marries you. He really should be able to decide for himself if he wants to marry a woman who is very actively questioning her sexual orientation.
     
  19. Choirboy

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    I got married over 20 years ago knowing I had feelings for guys that just didn't fit with the "family guy with a bunch of kids" goal I had set for myself years before. But the feelings don't go away, I can tell you that. I was satisfied with my life for some time and have two amazing girls to show for it, but something was always missing. My now ex-wife has some definite emotional issues that I naively thought would go away and never did, which eventually forced the issue of us splitting. I used coming out more or less as my trump card, since she never would have consented to a split otherwise, and even at that, I suspect she would have been fine staying together and using my being gay as just another of the many sticks she beat me with over the years. But coming out was never really part of the grand plan I had for my life, at least not unless she died or left me.

    I've often thought that if she weren't so damaged, or if she had made some effort to heal her own emotions, we might still be together and I'd still be keeping my homosexuality deeply hidden, and I'd probably be reasonably content. But my experience talking to other gays who got married seems to be that many of us ended up with damaged spouses in difficult and unhappy marriages....because we're damaged ourselves. I spent years being bullied and feeling "different" and holding my emotions in without understanding why, and married a woman who was somewhat bullying and had messed up emotions and wanted someone who was "different", who (I'm guessing) was so focused on creating a family that he would overlook her own issues.

    You're not going to have a complete, healthy relationship if you're holding something back. There will be a wall between you that will never entirely go away, and you may choose to ignore it, but it will always be there. My marriage wasn't all bad, and my life would be much emptier without the kids who the marriage created. But there were things between us that might have been dealt with much better if I hadn't been living in fear of being exposed, things I might have done differently that might have made all of us less unhappy in the long run. Think long and hard. He may not understand, true, but he'll take it much worse 20 years from now if that's when things finally surface. And speaking from experience, if you are gay, being in a gay relationship eventually will make you realize that you can connect with someone on a much different, more complete emotional level, and be much happier, if you're not trying to "make it work". Good luck!
     
  20. SiennaFire

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    You should think about this in terms of what is best for you. Entering into a marriage if you are questioning or in the closet is not a good idea. Like many other posters indicated, this will lead to turmoil and problems down the road. Best to get a handle on this today before you are married or have children.

    My sense is that it would be best for you to get a better handle on your sexual orientation before coming out to your fiancé. That way your coming out will be more actionable, i.e., I identify as <gay/bisexual/etc.> and here's what I'm planning on doing.

    If you are a Kinsey 5 or 6, then you are better off calling off the wedding. This is far easier than ending your marriage in a decade or two. If you are Kinsey 3 or lower, then if you truly love your fiancé, you may decide to get married. If you do this, you should commit to fidelity and let him know this. You could also decide to remain single in this case.

    In general I'm not a fan of Kinsey tests because they are not based on clinical research and are for entertainment purposes only. Since time is of the essence for you, I will suggest you try the following test, which anecdotally scores better than others, so it's a good one to start with until you get to a place where you can self-rate using the definitions.

    Where Do You Fall On The Kinsey Scale

    Here's more background on Kinsey tests if you are interested. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/2963482-post11.html
     
    #20 SiennaFire, Feb 27, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2016