My "straight" best friend said he loves me.

Write the letter asap, give it to him asap and then ignore him and keep him out of your life for good if you don't get a desirable response. The sooner you do it the sooner you can move on, otherwise you will be constantly thinking 'What if?' for the rest of your life.

 

Hey Diego93,

I offer these thoughts from my own experience - so feel free to disregard them. When I was in a similar sort of relationship (i.e. close one moment and cold the next) I felt like he was my one and only chance at happiness but once I had some distance from it I realised that there are others out there who do not have the same hang ups and who can be honest about how they feel. From your posts it seems (to me anyway) that he really hasn't moved at all in accepting who he is. He clearly has feelings for you but will not accept them. However understandable it is, it is not fair to you that he keeps being hot and cold with you. Right now I get the impression that you are getting more distance from him and that will help you move on which seems to be the best thing for you. But you should know that moving on from him is not the end of any chance at happiness for you, rather it will give you a better chance because you will not be ignoring other possibilities because he is around.

What I am trying to say is that you have shown a lot more maturity than him in all of this and that by moving on from him you will give yourself a much better chance at being happy than you have with him in your life. Unfortunately, that means not being his friend either as he seems unable or unwilling to leave you alone. I think you are doing the right thing in moving on from him.

This is, however, just the impression I have from your posts. Obviously, if this doesn't match your experience then please ignore it - it's just my thoughts about your situation. I hope it helps though.

 

Unfortunately some people cannot come to terms with their sexuality. I don't know if your feelings for him will ever change but hopefully you will be in better able to deal with them after turning the page.

Anyway, I hope you starting to feel better and more able to move on. I wish you all the best and (I'm sure I speak for everyone) let us know how it goes or if you have any more problems. (If I had found EC when I was in a similar situation I think I would have been able to handle it a lot better knowing that people are out there who can help -in however small a way.)

 

Some great words of wisdom in the last couple of posts. Have recently moved on from a very similar situation with my best friend. Wishing you the best of luck, Diego, on your road to happiness. Stay strong.

 

I've been in such a similar situation... It was a little different but there are things he did to me and said to me (he also literally said "I love you more than you think I do") that was exactly the same.


And from my experience: don't listen to these people. Don't write him a letter.

Run far away.

He will **** you over. I don't understand people like him, but the hatred he has for himself will end up immensely hurting YOU the longer you stay and the longer you remain around him. Seriously, don't even write a letter. Just randomly leave. Now.

Trust me.

 

Also, I'd like to add that, no matter how hard it may seem, trust me, remove him from your life completely. And I mean completely. Don't even be friends. Acquaintances only if you have to see each other and you have zero choice (being in the same group of friends doesn't count because you can and should leave it) because I am telling you, you will seriously regret it. If you don't listen to me now you will regret it later. Maybe not until a few months or years from now, but you will regret it.

You're telling yourself "oh I still want him in my life no matter what," but you don't. What you want is a relationship at the end of the day, and he is definitely unwilling to accept his feelings. If you remain as friends it will drive you crazy that this guy is putting on a show for his friends and family and he will slowly slowly treat you like you never mattered at all, because that is what is best for him and the image he wishes to retain (and to be successful with that, it requires lying to yourself rather extensively).

Like every other sensible person who reads your story, they will come to the conclusion that no straight guy on Earth would act the way this guy did towards you. But that doesn't change the fact that he is going through all these mental gymnastics to prevent himself from acknowledging that. I know, it doesn't make sense at all considering how he's been making all these advances and whatnot. But these people are just something else, mentally (and not in a good way).

People who cannot accept themselves do crazy things to their victim. "My guy" put me in numerous situations and attempted to destroy all my friendships (and post-two year update: he did destroy most of them) and to make me look like a horrible person (when in reality he's just crazy and manipulative). Yours has already showcased violence; who knows what else he'll do? I'll tell you this right now-- his image to himself and to others is far more important than you are to him.

Seriously, it is best to leave. Now. I wish I did that after I came out to "my guy," as opposed to trying to stay in the same group of friends for 2 years which ended up being constant, insane levels of drama.

And to the people telling him to write the guy a letter--really? No. That's a dumb idea. What will that do? Give the guy an ego boost and then he'll play with the topic creator's feelings some more.

Seriously, just leave.

 

Now, I haven't been in a situation similar to the ones you guys are experiencing/have experienced, but simply dismissing other people's advice as "dumb" on the grounds that "your guy" may or may not have been a psychopath comes across as somewhat crass. Each situation has its own uniqueness and assumption of the extremes is often not the best (i.e. he is a selfish prick that, after 10 years of cooking up this vile one-sided "friendship", aims to use him whenever possible to accomplish his goals).

I don't intend to fuel false hopes, but I personally know of closeted people that eventually became comfortable enough and went on to marry a same-sex person. I'd also like to point out that (by no means I'm seeking to infer that in other countries this doesn't happen) as a latin-american national (I'm Brazilian), I do share the stronger perception of societal homophobia and notice the necessity of males to conform to the "macho" attitude.

For all we know, his friend could very much be in a situtation akin to many of those who come to these forums seeking for words of comfort and/or knowledge. I'd have to be hard-pressed to believe that the community would suggest that those close to this person should avoid him at all costs and simply dissolve their relationship.

Other than that, I'd like to echo Barbatus's words: I hope you can eventually find peace of mind and can move on, Diego, be the outcome of this whatever it may be. Wish you the best.

 

Hi Diego, I hope things work out for you. I would usually not recommend you allowing yourself to carry on the way you are, but for some reason, something tells me that one day he'll come out. I have read threads like this many times and have hoped they found a way to move on. I don't think you should give up just yet, but my advice is to try living as a gay man in terms of meeting people and having some harmless SAFE fun. You can share with Gonzalo the nights you are having, without telling him everything. You are just showing him, that you have a life, but you are just making a lot of room for him in it. He seems like a good person, he is just having some real trouble coming to terms with things. Fear of family abandonment may be a big part. I remember doing my very best to be straight once. I even had sex with various girls. Fortunately for me, my parents accepted everything. I am routing for you.

 

Hi Diego,

I don't know you are still reading this - hopefully things have gotten better for you and you aren't in need of EC at the moment - but if you are, I just want to sound a note of caution. It may be that you can be friends with Gonzalo in the future but I'd still suggest not spending time with him until you are ready to see him again. I think that otherwise you will not get the complete break needed to resolve your feelings for him.

As always this is just advice and hopefully it is not needed right now. Really hope you things have improved for you.

 

No update in a while huh?

I know how you feel.

I, too, had a thread. That was far more humongous than this. I had like 12+ pages of constant updates before I said anything to him.

Then a long bout of silence. No updates for a while.

If you ever need any advice you can message me because I don't want you making dumb decisions that'll only make things harder.

 

Hi Diego93,

Great to hear from you. Sorry to hear it is still a difficult time for you. From what you say you are doing the right thing by replying in a polite way but not engaging too much. Do you feel you could just ignore some of his texting and facebook posts? Not pretending you haven't had them but just not replying because they are pointless or just nonsense?

Otherwise stay the course and if he keeps it up you may want to say to him that you are finding the constant contact a bit irritating (or something else - basically, you have to option of speaking to him about it if becomes a problem). Hope you are getting on with other things and it sounds like you are feeling a lot better which is great.

 

Please... leave asap. Just ignore him and move on from him. I know it's hard as **** but you have to, have to, have to do it.

 

I think you should politely tell him that you need some distance from him because you think him too much and it is not good for your mental well-being. The point is to make him understand that you are not angry or try to retaliate for him not feeling the same way as you do. He cannot help his feelings no more than you can help yours. And over time you lose your romantic interest in him and you can resume being in touch.

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this.

My advice for you? Be happy. Do what makes you happy, and be with the people who treat you well.

You deserve to be happy and to be with people who treasure you for who you are.

Good luck on this new page of your life.

 

Hi Diego93,

Great to hear from you. I''m glad you are sticking to you plan regarding G. Really pleased that you've found someone who is happy being themselves and happy being with you without all the problems. That's really fantastic. I hope things go well with Nico and you have a great time with him. Well done. I'm so pleased for you.