Greetings, Today is the third anniversary of the day I came out to myself. My very first post in here at EC was on that day as well, and I have been reflecting on what this all has meant to me and to those close to me. That year, 2013, was among the most extraordinary years of my life. The Chinese understand the number 13 to signify a crisis, which, in the truest sense of the word, meant some decisions absolutely had to be made. And they were. I finally called myself gay, I started a new job, I moved out, I started divorce proceedings, I fell in love, I broke up...Since then, I have not looked back, I have not had much doubt about my sexual orientation or what I needed to do to move forward within that new understanding. I like to quote the great psychologist, Carl Gustav Jung, on what he had to say about meaning, and on the search for meaning in one's life. The following quotes are from him and speak to me directly. I will already be 56 in April. It is high time that I begin to reflect on the meaning and course of my life and I have started to do it. My sister's death last July has only accelerated the urgency of this task. We definitely are meaning-makers, it seems to be a very human thing, to try to understand just what being born and living is all about. I feel a need, as I get older, to do just that. So I reflect on my "mistakes", my "successes" and my "failures". I sprinkle these liberally with quotation marks because I am trying to emphasize that these words and others like them are clever liars. I could easily succumb to regret, but that's too easy. I very consciously try to avoid this distraction, it is a negative emotion that has no value to me, or to anyone else. I am not made a better person simply by regretting. I learn, I move on. Here I am, three years later, on the edge of a significant relationship with a beautiful, kind and soulful man, one into which I enter with intention and awareness; along with experience (just another word for those "mistakes"). I observe myself as I live it, I try, as much as possible to name, just to simply name what I feel. Us guys are not good at that, but it's a skill like any other, it needs to be cultivated like any other skill, it isn't rocket science. I course through life now with no grand Goals, no overarching Purpose, as in John Lennon's song Watching the Wheels: I am falling in love, but may fall out of it, I don't mind either way, it means whatever meaning I ascribe to it. It is impossible to know anyone fully (that includes one's self), but you cannot love someone without knowing them (or yourself!)...a paradox! So be it then: one can only love partially, insofar as one can know anyone. It would take several lifetimes to get to know someone even remotely completely; so, I conclude that I must love the mystery as much as the man and that I'll love the space between us as it evolves. Have I found the meaning of life? Of course not...I've only just begun... Have you?
Congratulations on 3 years here. (Which has, of course, meant nearly 3 years of surviving my posts. That alone should get you a major award. :lol I've really enjoyed your posts over the last 3 years. Particularly the wisdom and the wonderful way you have of expressing it.
Happy Anniversary greatwhale (!)(!)(!) You are fortunate insofar as your anniversary date is a far crisper milestone than mine. I remember very clearly the day I came as out to myself as bisexual - my personal liberation day when I began my journey towards authenticity - a few years before I discovered EC. Or is my anniversary date when I came out to myself and the rest of EC as gay? Perhaps I'll go with the latter because you were instrumental in the thread when I made the jump from bisexual to gay. The day that I stopped fooling myself and decided to embrace myself as a gay man. You were equally instrumental shortly after I joined EC - giving me a gentle kick in the ass to get me off my ass and “fight for what you truly want and value” which earned a place in my sig because your words motivated me to take action and start my coming out journey. Certainly one measure of a man is his impact on others. Without a doubt you helped me find the courage and strength to come out as gay to both myself and the people around me. Thank you again for your advice and guidance during this part of my journey. Warm regards, SF PS - Congrats on the BF
I trust you were sitting there with a glass of wine as you typed your anniversary post. Happy anniversary and good luck on the journey! May what you have found be true ever lasting love; and regardless of the outcome, it's great to see you are enjoying the time.
...actually, I was having a bowl of my home-made minestrone soup, so thick a spoon stuck into it would stand upright in the bowl! (but I like the image of me writing and sipping wine...you have given me ideas...) Thank you everyone for the anniversary well-wishes! (*hug*)
You are so, so soulful and deep. I always make sure I stop what I'm doing, or save long posts from you for when my full attention is available. This post is so great. Happy anniversary. Cheers to your love, and your path.
Great whale thank you for sharing I really enjoyed reading your post this morning from the uk ' I have not had much doubt about my sexual orientation or what I needed to do to move forward within that new understanding' Me too isn't it just wonderful to get that clarity and integration - I feel very grateful that once I woke up' I felt clear - I know this is not the case for all but I'm sure I had my 'dose of confusion over all these yrs -- I am moving forward at my own pace - really sitting with my new gay women integration and just being happy with it - no rush Getting to know myself is indeed the journey and I love 'watching the wheels go by too' The peace in between the notes , the mindfulness of life and the challenges of human existence . But lately the biggest movements are learning to accept myself - my limitations, not living in a mind that beats up too much and a body that is alive to express. I'm finally starting to like me 'drip by drip' know who I am and be present . Some times I still mourn the old me and that's ok - there is room for that too Love is the key to life I feel - acceptance - exploring the color and being intimate with self 1st and then another xxx Enjoy
Congratulations and good luck to you. I'm older, came out in April and am struggling. Hopefully at the three year mark I'll be in a better mindset!
Thank you so much for this post greatwhale. I've been feeling a bit stuck the last couple of days brooding over the future and how will I ever get there. You give me great encouragement. I get so frustrated when I take a step or two forward knowing sometimes I need take a step backwards but feel stuck. You show us there something beyond the struggle. Congratulations!
Wow, three years! You've come a long way... I must have found EC shortly after you joined. Some of the earliest posts I read were yours. So glad you're here, it wouldn't be the same without you.
3 years, wow bud, fantastic. you are an inspiration to many of us here, with your soulful thoughts and calm demenior (sp?) including myself. so glad you were here when i got here, almost 2 years ago and that you're still here.(*hug*) and congrats on the BF.
It's good to have you around, your posts are always so full of wit, wisdom and a strange serenity that permeates your words, and it's contagious. Strange how a life can change in just three years, but it can also change in a single second, right? Thank you for all the good vibes you give, and sorry about your sister, grief is a strange place to be. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. That's so true... We'll see where we'll be in three years, right? Hopefully we'll be around somewhere
Thank you for your wisdom about the daily life of possibility and choices. Hope your journeys discover anew, the peace within you. May we each aspire to reach your level of enlightenment and along the journey share of its joy.
