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Gender fluidity? Need some advice.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by kanra, Feb 11, 2016.

  1. kanra

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    So, I always thought I was completely cisgender until last summer. I was single for the first time in close to four years, and I think that being free of the constraints of a heterosexual relationship with a heterosexual, cisgender and somewhat conservative man lent me some freedom that I hadn't had in a while.

    I started experiencing some pretty serious gender dysphoria. Had a few, er, meltdowns. I found my footing, though, and some style inspirations, and was able to present as a male comfortably a few times.

    I have two issues, though, that keep bothering me.
    1. It changes all the time. Sometimes I will have a period of a few weeks where I feel male every single day and looking in the mirror makes me angry and frustrated, and I am so definitely positive that transitioning is the only way to proceed, but I also have bouts where I am perfectly comfortable and confident in my femininity and could never imagine transitioning. Is this maybe gender fluidity? That just seems so hard to me... The male side of me will never be satisfied with not transitioning, but the female side of me could never let go of what I already have... Any words of advice?
    2. The dysphoria is much more prominent when it comes to my romantic/sexual relationships. The idea of a physical relationship with someone as a female makes me uncomfortable. My male side is very much the opposite. I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend but I would be happy to be a boyfriend. (I actually wonder if that isn't part of what made my last two relationships feel so empty.) I guess my question is, has anyone else ever experienced this? I've done some extensive googling and come up empty-handed.

    TL;DR: I feel male some days and female others. Neither side of me is willing to concede any ground. I feel especially male with respect to romantic/sexual relationships; I don't want to be a girlfriend, only a boyfriend. Any sympathizers?

    I know that for some things, there are no easy answers. I think it would just be easier to know that I'm not alone.
     
  2. cheqckerz

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    WHOA.

    That's pretty much me and where I was at the beginning. Can definitely relate.

    From both the points, it sounds like you could be genderfluid. Especially the first point about feeling like there's no other way but to transition to male, and then other times where you're comfortable enough in your femininity and can't imagine transitioning at all. I'm pretty same. The best way I've found to deal with it, has been to make myself as androgynous as possible with hair (cut, style), body (diet, exercise, clothes), etc. and then whatever I'm feeling on the day just go from there.

    And point 2. Uh-huh. I really get this. All of this. You're so not alone.
     
  3. kanra

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    Thanks for responding. I'm glad I'm not alone.

    I've considered trying to look androgynous, I just have a masculine face (strong nose and jaw) and I worry that if I cut my hair short I would hate it on feminine days. :confused: Besides that, I am nearly petite-framed, but I've got a bigger bust and wide hips, and that's hard to conceal under clothes. I've worn a binder a few times but it gave me serious chest pains so I took it off within a half hour. I know that T would help with my silhouette but I'm not ready to try that, not with this whole "feminine" thing still happening, haha.
     
  4. Foz

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    Genderfluid is a term I would always urge others to use cautiously for the simple reason it has a lot of ambiguity. The overwhelming amount of people I've met (IRL not online) who call themselves genderfluid say that some days they feel masculine and some feminine (or girl or boy) when I ask them what this means to them they respond along the lines of "Some days I dress feminine and others masculine". This is where we run into trouble as simply wishing to dress as the other gender isn't anything in itself - it just means they don't consider the gender of the clothes, if a guy wants to wear nail varnish then he can wear it freely as he wishes, this does not need a label. He just likes wearing nail varnish.

    You've not said whether or not this applies to you but it is worth considering. For the others genderfluidity is a transient label, simply put, they are confused and not yet settled. I've been on here nearly a year now and in that time I have seen many members go from genderfluid to trans or cis. To me it does seem that you may be trans, when you talk of being male you generally seem happier yet you feel that you have something to lose by not being female. Exactly what that is you will discover in your own time and whether it is worth it or not. Even say if you decide you are trans, it doesn't mean that you have to undergo surgery, some people are just happy with the hormones and some are happy just dressing as their preferred gender. It does worry me that the medical doctrine around this seems to be increasingly moving towards "if you are trans and want to be happy you must undergo this" when that is not strictly true, everyone will find where they are happiest.
     
  5. DreamerBoy17

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    Foz raises some good points.

    I actually thought I was genderqueer for a time around August, and then school started up again and I realized how much I actually hated being seen as female. For me, it was a stage of denial although that definitely isn't the case for everyone. One of my closest friends is genderfluid and they have genuinely identified that way for about 2 years. Like I said, Foz put things pretty well. Just another thing to keep in mind when you're questioning gender. Don't feel like you have to rush to find a label.
     
  6. kanra

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    Thanks for the help :grin:

    It does seem that a male body would make me happier, and maybe you're onto something when you say that I feel I have something to lose by not being female. It is pretty new to me still, so it could be partially indecision. I think there's also the part of me that's worried I'll never pass or I'll change my mind. And I've been teaching myself to love my body for a few years now and I'm finally able to say that I love it regardless of whether it matches my spirit. To change it now seems like a waste. Needless to say, I struggle with it.

    I definitely don't think it's just me wanting to dress like a male, but thanks for the suggestion. It's more of a "I would be more comfortable with myself physically and emotionally if I had a male body." It's not that I don't like dressing as a female at all; in fact, I love dresses and makeup, and even if I did transition, I would probably continue wearing them. It's definitely not just the clothes :confused:
     
  7. baconpox

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    I agree with Foz. It seems very probable that you're trans, but I'd proceed cautiously with the genderfluid label. Everyone's dysphoria fluctuates, whether they're binary or not. But if labelling your fluctuating dysphoria helps you make sense of yourself, good for you.
     
  8. cheqckerz

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    From reading this and the other replies, is it probable that fluctuating dysphoria like this then is just a sign of actually being binary trans? :confused:

    Edit: Oh, nvm. I just mis-read. I'm insanely tired.
     
    #8 cheqckerz, Feb 12, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2016
  9. Zuzu

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    Just to let you know, you are not alone. I've been unsure about my gender identity for a very long time and I've never felt like I could definitively put a label to it.
     
  10. eden

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    Yes, proceed cautiously with the genderfluid label. I identify right now with it and the longer I do, I think that's the right label for me. It is perfectly ok to be genderfluid. You may get some negativity from the trans community but if they have a problem with it, it is theirs, not yours.

    But don't ever let anybody push you into going for a full transition as if your feelings are not valid or you if you're not feeling it. I can rock both genders just fine but I have been feeling pretty girly as of late an when I pop on a cami and a cute top, I can't be stopped!
     
  11. Just Jess

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    My good friend James is bi and his boyfriend is trans, no plans on transitioning formally, often presents feminine, but has a supporting group - honored to include myself in that - of friends that always use "he" around him and honestly think of him as a guy after being around him for so long. A very cool guy, but a guy.

    Not saying that's you, just saying, there are lots of ways to skin the dysphoria cat. Adopting the right label is not the goal IMO, finding a way to not feel like ass, and to have an honest relationship that works and whatever else you want out of life, that should be the goal IMO.

    I hope you find a balance that works :slight_smile:
     
  12. kanra

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    I've been more drawn to the "gender fluid" label than anything else because I don't fall exactly on either end of the gender spectrum. I'm somewhere in the middle and I don't know that saying, "I am a woman," or "I am a man," sounds right. Yes, I would rather be the latter, but that doesn't mean I want to be the latter all the time in every way. But I think you're all right in this: the label doesn't really matter. I'm just more concerned about finding a way to be comfortable that's not permanent for now, until I do figure out more definitely what I want.