What is the difference between a teacher grooming me or a teacher who is just friendly and displaying 'maternal' interactions?
At first I was kinda shocked...isn't it pretty obvious? Considering I don't pay attention to these kinda things? But after thinking about it, it is a strange question to answer XD I guess a teacher grooming you will try to stretch you to your limits, and make you focus more on goals/self improvement/whatever they are grooming you for. A teacher who's more maternal, well...is kinda like a caring parent. They offer advice- I'd say usually on more personal topics- and try to be a supporting pillar, in that sense. In the end, they're kinda the same thing...
I mean...sexual grooming. The type that will exploit and abuse... ---------- Post added 7th Feb 2016 at 03:59 PM ---------- I don't know how to tell if she's just being friendly or if I am being sexually groomed.
Feeling uncomfortable with what is happening. Feeling manipulated. Any sexual questions are suspect. Being asked to meet outside of school, or at a very private area of the school. Or being contacted outside of school, particularly if you are uncomfortable. Physical contact you are uncomfortable with, touching, even if it's just a stroke of a shoulder or a hand resting on a knee. The behaviour not stopping if you ask them to stop, or if you show discomfort. Or them justifying why they are doing it... A teacher seeking you out, finding or making excuses to be alone with you, asking you to stay back after class/school alone and appearing awkward if anyone else appears. Offering to drive you somewhere or stopping to offer you a lift or wanting you to visit them at their house. Them only making the approach if you are alone. If this is happening to you, you need to find someone you can tell. A parent, another teacher, a friend. Someone. if you are uncomfortable with something that is happening, find a safe person to tell. And note that you can contact staff on here in private and they can assist you...
If you're genuinely unclear on what's going on, here is what I would recommend: Determine right now, when you're fully in your right mind, what your limits are/would be. For instance, I would find it completely inappropriate unacceptable to have any romantic or sexual interaction with a teacher. But that's only the beginning of the question. There are thin and unclear lines here. You might decide that it's just not ok for you to be alone with her. Or if there's a reason you may want/need to be alone with her, then you might decide on a minimum safe physical safe distance between you...and if it's violated, you'll move away. Maybe proximity is ok, but touching you, aside from a handshake isn't ok...even if it's just a touch on the arm. What I'm saying is that everyone has a different set of limits...I'm recommending that you really think about and decide *right now* what yours are. And then if she ever moves beyond those limits, don't freak out (unless what she's done warrants freak-out, of course), but make it clear that the line has been crossed, whether it's by stepping back, making a face/cringe, removing the hand, saying "please don't touch me", or whatever. If she consistently (with whatever frequency of consistency) crosses your lines, then ask her directly why she won't respect the limits you've tried to make clear to her...and if necessary, follow any protocols that are in place for reporting incidents. But *until* any limits are crossed, put the question of whether it's supportive or "grooming" out of your head. It doesn't matter. Take it as support...there's positive energy to be gained. Just be ready and know when lines have been crossed if they are crossed. The danger is in not being prepared, and being so surprised in a moment that you let a line-crossing slide, or don't respond in a clear way...or worse, respond in a way that actively encourages the incursion. But of course, remember that regardless of how you respond...the first time, the n-th time...you have a right to demand whatever level of professional distance makes you comfortable, and to never feel violated.
The challenge with grooming is that with someone who is really adept at grooming... the person being groomed will have little or no idea that it is happening. BiAnnika has given some great advice here. And I'm torn because I hate to tell people to be cynical and to assume the worst in everyone, because that creates a culture of fear... but at the same time, one has to be aware and thoughtful about what's going on. I think the thing to understand is that, in the early stages, it can be near impossible to tell grooming from someone showing genuine friendship and caring; some groomers will work for months, sometimes even years, before making their move. But even in the early stages, one can look for certain signs. If a student is getting special treatment that no one else gets, particularly if the teacher tells him or her (or otherwise implies) that s/he is really special and is being singled out for attention... that's a red flag. Teachers who have no ill intent may pay extra attention to someone who really needs it, but won't make a point of telling them, or making it obvious, that they're doing so. And while being alone isn't always a red flag or inappropriate -- teachers will often one-on-one tutor or talk to a student with family problems, for example -- the context is what matters. If the teacher is buying any sort of gifts (other than, say, school supplies that the student might not be able to afford), that's usually a red flag if this is not being done for other students. If the teacher is doing anything, ever, where s/he is suggesting that the student not tell friends or parents is a BIG, BIG red flag. If the teacher ever says that "our relationship is special and not something we should talk about with others", that's a HUGE, WAVING red flag. Touching can be a red flag too, but again, context is important. If the teacher regularly hugs or puts his/her hand on numerous students' shoulders, then this may simply be a way of showing connection and empathy. But if the behavior is limited to one student, or only happens when the student is alone with the teacher, or lasts a little too long... that's likely leading to problems. Discussions about sexual activity or behavior are also a potential cause for concern, though much depends on the circumstance and nature of the discussion. If the student initiates the conversation, and the conversation is limited to factual discussion of whatever the issue is (let's say, shame about masturbation), and the teacher answers the question, doesn't show unusual interest in the topic, or bring it up on multiple occasions, or lead into other discussions, or, God forbid, offer to demonstrate, then the discussion is probably appropriate and reasonable, but it is still something to be aware of. The issue with grooming is... it is generally very subtle, and happens over time. What happens is that the student's view of what is OK, boundary-wise, slowly and imperceptibly shifts, because the groomer is very gently introducing new ideas and values, and often the student gets way far down the path before realizing what's happening. Sometimes the grooming is so effective that the student is convinced that s/he isn't being taken advantage of at all. So the key is trying to find a balance between accepting the kindness and genuine desire to help that many teachers and adults may show, and at the same time, checking in, looking at the above red flags constantly, and asking yourself on a regular basis if the relationship has changed, if your beliefs have changed, if you feel any sort of discomfort or encouragement or pressure to do anything uncomfortable or inappropriate... STOP. And talk to parents and other adults (or ask here at EC.)
Amazing advice given by people above. What I would add is that if you find yourself uncomfortable with the level of care and affection exhibited by the teacher, even if it is well -intended, and not of the grooming type, you are entitled to set a boundary and say no. Ask for help from a person you trust- parent or councillor. It does not need to be at all sexual or badly-intended, for it to be not ok with you, or for it to be unprofessional. Being "maternal" is not necessarily completely inappropriate - in the end it can arise from genuine care in line with the objectives of teaching profession, *but* it does somehow border on being imposing and unprofessional. Most people already have a parent, and don't really need or want to be mothered or fathered by a person who is in a professional relationship to them. A teachers job is different from a parent's job. If a teacher starts behaving like a family member and is starting to demand similar treatment from you, that is itself a red flag- there does not need to be any sexual undertone for it to be not ok.
It's hard to say for certain as everyone's perceptions are different, as to are comfort zones. Alarm bells should start to ring if you are being asked to meet up outside of your school on your own or a small group. Or if you are the only student are being contacted outside of school or if the message content is of a non-academic nature (for example my physics teacher regularly emailed me but it was only say links to physics things on YouTube or if I'd said something which had interested him in class). As Chip said it's subtle and happens over time and generally you can only know the difference between simple banter and being groomed until it's quite late, especially seen as these stories are well published many people misinterpret the innocent intent of a teacher.
I'm_Danni_x, Do you perhaps have a potential case in mind? Do you suspect you or a friend being groomed and if so, why?
