I'm wondering how weird this sounds-- I love the feeling of progress. I love it when I reach another coming-out milestone. Coming out to my brother (first person to know) was incredible. Coming out to a good friend and then getting to live "out" when I was visiting him was great. Coming out to a gay therapist and talking about what gay culture there is locally was really good. And identifying and learning about dealing with shame was really, really great, too. Each one of these steps felt like a release. I could actually feel my muscles relaxing, and they haven't gone back to their original stress. But now that I've had those relaxing, empowering, opening experiences, what's going to be the next one? I feel a new "high" every time I've taken one of those steps. I really want another high. But I'm also thinking that maybe these highs aren't what you'd think of as a high, say from drugs or something. Maybe what I'm feeling is a restoration of inner normality, if that makes sense. Maybe I'm finally mentally and emotionally reaching the same state as my heterosexual neighbors, getting rid of the mental (and even physical) weights that I was carrying around. But still, where do I get my next high...? Thanks for listening.
I think I know what you mean. I recently came out to my best friend. I chickened out and did it through text. But I told her and I feel this huge weight off my chest. Like I could finally breath. Like I had been tensing all my muscles and I could finally relax them. I even cried. It was almost an euphoric feeling? Then it wore off and I felt like I had to do something else to feel like that again.
crazydog15, I think you're right about it being a restoration of normality. I have always wondered what it would feel like to be out and comfortable in my skin and now that I'm out and learning it feels so great that I wonder if it will last. And if it doesn't last, what comes next? After spending my entire adult life living disingenuously, struggling to keep up the facade, is this what normal feels like or is it just a temporary high? Will I ever really feel just normal from day to day and how will I know? Great, thought-provoking post.
I can relate to this. When I accepted myself and told myself I was gay, I felt good. No questioning anymore, this is just who I am. I came out to my sister, and oh boy did it feel good. I talked to a counselor and I felt so normal and great. And talking about all this here on this website feels great. Just opening up feels wonderful. And I feel I´m waiting for the next high too.. I want more. For me I think it´s getting the weight off my shoulders. Getting something out that I´ve been carrying by myself for too long. Opening up on feelings I had suppressed. Being me.
I am a fan of the after-high. The state of relaxation and settling in. I've experienced it rather fleetingly, and look forward to finding it again.
Coming out is a journey, but it's a journey without end because there will always be a new person to tell, so you may continue to experience what you describe as a "high" even though it will lose power and strength as you become more comfortable in your own skin. That's certainly been my experience. I came out for the first time around 18 years ago and it was a big deal for me then, but not so much now because all of the important people have already been told. Even so, I had to tell a new acquaintance about my sexuality this very week and it did feel good to be honest about it because I maintained my integrity and self respect and that's something that the closet takes away from us. When we've spent so long betraying our true identity and putting on an act it's so nice to be free of all of that shit. Coming out for the first time is liberating (for most of us) and we get that rush of excitement and achievement that is totally normal when we consider all of the feelings of stress, anxiety and hardship that precede it. As time passes and contentment increases we do relax in ourselves and around others, but there will always be a new person to tell and you'll continue to count it as an achievement when you do.
I'm still on a high from coming to some friends a few days ago. It was much like the feeling I got the first time I went to a nudist camp. Both were very emotional times and I felt free and liberated and honest. Then, after talking to the friends I came out to, I felt like we were closer than we'd been before, even though I've known all three for years. One woman confided she wasn't straight either, and the two others told me more of their coming out stories than I knew before. I still feel it. When I go out, I don't tell everybody I'm gay, but I have the feeling my buzz in noticeable in the way I walk, talk, etc. (Of course I don't mean I'm suddenly "acting gay" or anything like that. It's more of an attitude thing.)
I feel this, too, TNT, this "attitude thing" when I'm out and about running errands or whatever. I stand straighter (no pun intended), hold my head higher and feel much more purposeful about myself and my life. I don't flaunt anything about my sexuality but feel confident that if asked I could say easily and with pride, Why, yes, I am gay.
I agree with this! I seemed to have reached this point. And I look back at the mountain I climbed after my catalyst moment back in 2012, all the challenges I confronted and conquered, and have decided I am glad to finally be able to relax and simply enjoy what I now have given all the hard work. Chasing the next high, I get it! For me, however, its time to let it all sink in.
It has happened for me three times these last two weeks and it is a tremendous relief. I love the feeling of progress, too. I don't know how positive of an effect these milestones will have for me but they feel really good. Like, watery-eyes good.
