I need to explain my situation because I feel like I've been coming off as very rude lately. I am very, very sorry if I've hurt anyone's feelings, as of right now I'll to be less aggressive about everything. I have lashed out at a bunch of people and in my personal life for no real reason outside of me being inept at handling my own personal life right now. I truly and sincerely apologize for anything I may have done to upset anyone up until right now. I didn't start this thread only to apologize for the way I've been behaving, however. I really need support right now, and I'm not sure where from to get it from. The honest truth is that I am feeling very sad and vulnerable, and I've been trying to attain a false sense of security by empowering myself. I have very low self esteem, and tend to view myself as rather weak. I find myself feeling that my weakness stems from the fact that I'm a coward, which to an extent may be true. The real issue, though, is that I felt the best way to remedy this was to stand up for myself. This is not necessarily bad, but the way I handled it is, mostly "standing up" to people who have done nothing wrong, and I find myself starting arguments where they aren't necessary, lasing out at people for not remembering things I tell them, and even taking religious and political stances I don't agree with just for the sake of getting mad at someone.. I attempted suicide recently, which stems from a whole world of problems. I've been facing constant torment from a girl at school for months now. I have been assaulted multiple times, which for obvious reasons isn't boosting my spirits or self esteem in the slightest. This made feel very small and intimidated, but certainly wasn't the worst of it. The worst had to be the constant bombardment of sexual harrasment I was recieving prior to the horrible beatings. I was once considered this girl to kinda be a friend, and apparently she liked me too because she asked me out early on in the school year. I don't know if she was being serious or just trying to hurt my feelings though, as it's become abundantly clear recently that everyone automatically assumes I'm gay when they meet me. This was either her first expression of her baseless hatred of me or she legitimately didn't know I liked boys until I told her, but regardless of that, the following events were miserable. She was constantly making sexual comments about me and touching my rear end and genitals, which was very humiliating and degrading. Couple this with the fact that the majority of my peers seemed to think it was funny, and this was easily one of the worst times of my life. It got so bad that I actually had a short span where I was afraid of being raped on school grounds, but I ot over that fear fairly quickly. This persisted for quite a while, but eventually was halted by parnetal intervention. She wasn't punished or anything, they just gave her a stern talking to and told her to stay away from me, ignoring the fact that I shared multiple classes with her making this command nearly impossible. She turned 18 on Christmas this year, so this wasn't even someone my age doing this to me. Following these events she more or less just teased me and treated me like a baby, but I didn't mind when comparing it to what happened before. I started to mind again, however, when she realized I wouldn't tell on her for beating me up. She is a lot bigger and stronger than me, to the point where she actually left bruises where she hit me. I couldn't tell my mom because I was afraid she would make me switch districts after everything that had already happened. Thinking back to the sexual harassment, I convinced myself that this was a much better alternative and allowed it to persist until she decided to stop on her own, which she didn't, so I had to tell my mom anyway. I didn't have to switch schools, but she only got a really short suspension for what she did to me. After that was pretty standard. She called me a lot of mean names and constantly referred to me as a pussy for getting beat up by a girl, but eventually seemed to forget about it. My friends at this point had pretty much accepted her as a member of our group and as such I felt I had to put up with her. She was still mean to me, but nothing physical occured. My self esteem was at an all time low and I didn't find myself enjoying life to any extent. I had an issue with a uy in my sociology class calling me a faggot and became aware that everyone already knew I was gay, and a lot of people were not okay with it. I spent most of my free time locked in my room at this point, refusing to reach out to anyone. Left alone with my thoughts, I chose to let myself focus on all of the problems I have been having as of late, as well as on focusing myself as a person. This brought me to a saddening realization. I am not happy with myself. Like, at all. I am way too sensitive, I'm rather dumb, I'm super self conscious about my sexuality, my voice is super high pitched and obnoxious, I'm scared of just about everything, and a whole plethora of other problems. This put me down to a level of sadness I have never felt in my entire life. After this, something terrible happened. Keep in mind that this actually happened at school. Our school has these weird stairwells that are completely cut off from the rest of the school, and that's where she had been attacking me. I had been avoiding them because I didn't want to see her in there again. On the very first day I used them again, I met up with her in there again, and it was just us. She started making fun of me and talking about how we had a lot of good memories in there. She hit me in the ace after that, and then reached her hand into my pants. Then she actually pulled my pants down. I ended up pushing her away and pulling my pants back up, but I was horrified by what happened. I went and cried in the bathroom and missed like an hour of school, so I also got a detention. I don't know that this was necessarily a rape attempt as I don't think she intended on forcing me to have sexual intercourse with her, but she did grab my penis and see me without pants, so I wold say it was fairly serious regardless. I went home and reflected on this and got super upset. The next day I tried to kill myself. I took a bunch of pills, but it wasn't nearly enough to kill me apparently. My stomach hurt really bad so I went to the hospital, and from there they sent me to a mental hospital. I was there for a week and being away from my family for that long only made it worse. When I returned home, I felt wierd. I was super paranoid about everything, super sad, and just feeling awful about myself. I was switched out of my school district while in the hospital. At this point I decided to stand up for myself more, as that would make me less afraid in theory. I didn't stand up for myself, though, I was just a jerk. I was mean to people for no reason in every aspect of my life. I still see this girl outside of school, as she is still close with my circle of friends. The thing is, I haven't actually stood up for myself. I play out scenarios in my head of me telling her off, but when I actually see her I just let her treat me however she wants and rarely object to anything she does out of fear of getting hit again. I wouldn't stand up to her because there would be repercussions. I wouldn't stand up to her because I'm too scared of her. I attempted to feel better by being mean to people I wasn't scared of, but I have gotten over that. And now I'm here, and still feeling awful. I feel I needed to explain what had happened, though, as I want people to understand why I've been acting how I have, and more than anything I just need support. I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone's feelings, and I'll try to be more like I usually am from here on out.
Hey Plattyrex, So as to what that girl is doing with you, that is absolutely not okay and I would continue reporting it to the teachers at school. I recognize that this may be hard for you do to the social stigma that is involved with telling teachers on people, but hey you do not deserve that kind of behavior. Also, tell your friends what is going on so they can help you, if they still wish to hangout with that chick then I say make new friends that care for you. Secondly, I think this chick has a real mental issue and needs to prey on someone to make her feel superior. Just as you feel like you need to be a jerk in order to feel like you are standing up for yourself. Regardless there is no excuse for such behavior and NO ONE deserves to be treated the way she treats you. The WORST thing to do when you are feeling depressed si cut yourself off from the world. I know it's tough sometimes to get out and do something but if you have no outlet you are going to sit around and focus on negative thoughts that to the most part deal with situations you cannot control. I had a roomate who wanted to commit suicide over a girl, since I have my own depressive moments, I told him to focus on something he enjoys. He was a comp. sci major and he applied for internships and got on. He's doing great right now. I failed an essential class while trying to support my family who had no idea I was bi, so I was also battling an identity crisis cause I didn't know I was bi. For a month I didn't go to class and for four months I felt horrible behind closed doors. Luckily a professor reached out to me and I focused on Chemistry and got out of the depression. So moral is, focus on a goal, what do you want, where do you want to go, what do you want to learn, and do it. Ask your teachers if there is anything cool you can do or get active in school programs to make new friends that treat you right. It is good that you are going through this horrible process, it means you are growing as an individual. Don't get me wrong, you DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. But, what are you learning at this young age are incredibly valuable lessons. Who should I associate myself with? What do I do in a crisis where I need help? Who should I trust? Some people go their whole lives without these lessons and then get hit with hard life destroying obstacles. It is perfectly natural to overact the standing up for yourself. You feel beaten and subjected to someone else. In order to counter act that you are looking for the opportunity to claim your respect. But, the truth is respect is not given or taken by or from anybody. It is only an intangible virtue we give to ourselves. Once we can respect ourselves and act the way we see fit, then we can grow and others will see what we see. If you want people to respect you, respect yourself. Treat yourself right, love yourself. That is the greatest gift you can give yourself and others notice it. In order to feel powerless we have to give our power to another. Others may have physical prowess, may have incredible knowledge, but true value is in a persons behavior. If someone needs to physically and verbally tear you down, it is because you are already taller than them in their eyes. Be yourself, love yourself. That means standing up for yourself. It is nice to have debates, but the purpose of debate is to get a better understanding. If that is not what you are doing than why are you doing it? (ask yourself this question) Why am I doing what I am doing? Do I think this is right? What do I wish to feel about myself? How would I like to act? (Ask yourself these questions, not what society/parents/teachers/or friends, but YOU) You are already doing this by being apologetic of your actions, and recognizing patterns that you would like to change. All you ahve to do now is implement them. Things get better, not with time, but with the lessons we learn as we fall. How high are we willing to climb after we fall down? I hope all is well and you start to pursue the greatest version of you. Love yourself and love life, this is the only self and life you are gonna have. Change the things you can, accept those you cannot, and have fun!
Thank you for the advice. I already told most of my teachers, and I'm not in the same school district anymore anyway. At best they didn't care and at worst they outright told me I was being a baby about it. I find it difficult to respect myself sometimes and I don't feel safe standing up for myself. I am considering dropping my friends if they don't start treating me with some level of dignity and respect, though. I find tht I'm treated a million times better by complete strangers than I am my friends. On top of that spending so much time with people who constantly put me down and try to make me feel stupid can't be healthy. I no longer feel the level of obligation to remain their friends as I did before, and now that I'm a bit more objective on the subject I can clearly see that they aren't very good friends.
Fantastic! Sounds like you are developing a good objective perspective on life. Not many people can do that, especially at such a young age. Many people get attached to abusive relationships and can't see it for themselves. This shows you are maturing and becoming an individual. Keep it up! I hope all the success in your current endeavors and relationships!
I hope that's true. I get all these big ideas in my head, but a lot of times when I'm face to face with people I just can't bring myself to do anything about it. I've been very good friends with them since I was very young, and despite them not really ever treating me nicely, I admittedly do still care about them. It's just a bad situation all around.
good thing that you can now focus more to yourself keep it up! focus in your self steam find ways to build it up like look for new friends that will accept you and treat you better, work on that muscles if you want ^^. im glad that you can stand for yourself now.
You need to avoid her, she is definatley a person who you don't want to be with or near, in any situation. As for your friends (if you could call them that) I would consider minimising communications and eventually cutting them off, completley. As for the girl you have a couple of options: 1. Defend yourself if this happens - do something that will disable her for a moment so you can get away. 2. Gather evidence that she is doing this - recording stuff and potentially keeping location of where you are. Then report this to the police. 3. Do step 2 but before reporting her to the police make a fuss with the school: A. Go to the high ups and talk to them about it again and wait 2 days and go back to see if they've done anything. B. If they still havent either repeat step a or resort to much more forceful language (be more a fair but more demanding). C. Go back the next day and ask what they're doing to fix this. Be persistent, ask to go see them during class when you have nothing to do. D. If this fails and they do nothing after being persistant for about 2 school weeks (10 school days) go up to them and threaten to take them up to tbe board of education or similar. E. If this fails submit a complaint to the board of education with recordings of your discussions attached and maybe to add some icing on the cake go to a news outlet and give them an explinatiin of whats been happening and attach the recordings. F. Assuming that theyre still as arrogant submit the recordings of the girl abusing and teachers not responding to the police. **it is crucial you have recordings of all of the conversations, it can be easily done with a phone with its recording function and/or a dedicated unit. 4. Move schools As for defending yourself you aim for the areas where it hurts the most - "down there", boobs, kneck and the little bit in the middle of the chest that puts you out of breath for a fair bit. Try not to kill her though as at would create loads of trouble. If she goes in for a punch, grab her arm pulling it and then twist it while holding her head abd it should pin her to the ground. Then aim for a pressure point and press it (eg. Just below ribcage on the back and press it, this should disable her for a moment. If you're around her try heeping your arms in a "bouncer" style place to prevent her from kicking you there. Again you need to have evidence that she was the instigator, again do this by recording and shout what she is doing to you. As for your emotional outburst and being agitated, try to avoid that as you want to avoid creating more enemies. Personally I've found that staying calm in general helps and consistently analysing the situation you're in as well as evaluating if what you're saying is worth saying. To aid with your depresion I found doing basic exersize (sit ups, pushups and squats) helps greatly, not only with mood, but also confidence and image. At first it seems like a chore bilut later on you start wanting to do it. Another thing to help with your depression is to get some other friends or acticities, whether it be online or real friends it needs to be someone relaible. As for activities pottery is quite fun, playing games or even watching factual (and I mean factual, not the psudeo factual overdramatised bs that you have in America) documentaries (How its made is quite a good a good bine-watching one). Heck even going up town by yourself to get something to eat can be quite fun. Going back to your friends they themselves appear getting used, possibly voluntairly, by that girl. I really would decrease my contact with them. At school you could say you have some things to catch up on and go to a teacher you like and ask them to do some work (and not actually do it but sit on your phone instead ). And I believe that talking with them wont help much as they could be suffering from a group mentality. After your attempt things will take a bit to clear up enotionally so if you feel down, don't worry. I really would avoid isolating yourself completly, especially as your parents seem supportive, although keep in mind they are devistated this happened too and want to help. Also, I would put off school until you feel alright because you don't want to make youself more unstable. Im really sorry if my text is full of mistakes or doesn't make sense sometimes but its half past three in the morning and I'm writing this on my phone As for now. put some music you like on and try to be happy in every moment.
I can kind of understand why you have been so down on yourself and aggressive with people also. School should be fun and a place of camaraderie ... Life should not be so taxing with such idiots as that girl (bully). Jeez what is her problem?? You may never find out .. but just try to avoid these freaks Things can only get better. I am sure they will. And it will not be that long before you are outta there anyway and you move on to college/ university. In the meantime can you make steps to engage with new people and new interests? In school and out of school. It seems you could do with a whole new support group of good friends
