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Common thread for those realizing later in life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ariverinegypt, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. NycLAMi

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    yeah it's tough out here.... shouldn't be, but it is
     
  2. BMC77

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    For me, I suppose it's been different issues at different times...

    When I was a teenager, a huge problem was just lack of information. I did not have a good understanding of sexuality. Perhaps it was family repression on one side. But the knowledge I had when a young teenager was along the lines of "a man falls in love with a woman. They get married. And when they want a child..." The idea of sex being anything more than procreation did not occur to me until possibly long after it occurred to others.

    Keep in mind, too, that I grew up during the 1980s, which was not a LGBT friendly time. I think I figured that one out, and that might have given me reason for years of denial.

    I think I might have questioned the 1st time in my 20s. I recall having a hypothetical "what if I'm gay" conversation with my mother a few months before she died. She shot the idea down that I anything less than straight, saying I was too masculine or some such thing. (Really? Not by the comparison with the football watching, beer swilling American man! :lol:slight_smile: Certainly, I got a sense she'd be less than happy if I were gay...and not just through that conversation.

    Another factor: my life has had twists and turns, and there have been periods when a relationship wasn't viable. No possibility of a relation=no real reason to think about whom I might like to date.

    Later on, in my 30s, I reached a point of questioning at one point, but backed away. No idea why. For a long period, there was an issue that I had a friend who was anti-LGBT, which sort gave me reason to just forget the whole idea.
     
  3. calleigh

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    I'm 29, and I started questioning things about a year and a half ago, and have, in the last few months, reached the conclusion that I am almost certainly not entirely straight (at the very least, still a work in progress.

    In my case, I don't think it was anything to do with a repressive background (mine wasn't really), I think that it, quite simply, just did not occur to me.

    I agree with YeahpIdk, I think heteronormativity played a part in it - we're never taught to question our sexuality, so a lot of people just probably never think about it. I was also the way too well behaved for my own good - I was a straight A student, enjoyed school, basically did exactly what society expected of me, and never thought to push the boundaries at all.

    Looking back now, I had a number of female crushes (and basically none on men), but even that didn't make me realise - I just thought I admired them or something. Being not straight basically just wasn't on my radar, and so I never realised. What did finally make me realise was taking up roller derby, where half my team are lesbians, and it opened it up as a possibility. Suddenly I was like 'Ah....'
     
  4. rachael1954

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    I don't know why some are totally aware early on, and some don't know until later. Maybe the aware ones are more in touch with themselves. Maybe the not aware ones are more in touch with pleasing others. Maybe sexuality can develop as time goes on. Maybe different environments can bring up a sexuality that would not otherwise surface. I think we can share aspects of these with each other.

    But alas there is no 'reason' that is universal other than the constant pressure from society, media, parents, religion to grow up, get married and have kids. If you can feel gay but have enough mastery to choose to repress it, you feel powerful and maybe even scornful/homophobic of the people that are weak and succumb to those base desires. Until one day your world comes tumbling down and you register for an EC username. (aka me last year)

    For me personally I think it's the people pleasing and the environment I have placed myself in the last 18 years or so. I placed myself as the woman behind an Alpha Male and maybe that was to not have to be responsible or make decisions, but suddenly my bi/gay came bursting out last year. I thought I wasn't straight back in high school maybe 16 years old because I always thought women were so beautiful to look at. But I considered it more of an aesthetic thing than a sexuality thing until I was almost 40.

    You just figured this out LAST MONTH so PLEASE give yourself time to feel all the range of emotions and to adjust. Of course you will feel like two separate people. I'm 11.5 months in and I still feel that sometimes. I read it takes from 3-5 years to totally come to terms with yourself after coming out. Please be patient with yourself, and keep tabs on the depression, you don't want it swallowing you, if you need help please see someone. It is good to find an LGBT counselor regardless, just to talk about and validate your experience. And keep posting on EC! Don't give up on yourself, give yourself some time. (*hug*)
     
  5. Rydia

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    This was a factor for me as well. My closest female friend professes to be pro-lgbt rights and such and not to have anything against gay people, but she also admits to being uncomfortable around lesbians because she thinks it might be "catching" or something....her words, even though she also admits that that belief is in her words "stupid."

    There was a time in our friendship when a lot of the guys in our circle of friends would make jokes and tease us about being a lesbian couple and she would always get very defensive about it and then turn hostile towards me for making other people think she was gay, even though I'm pretty sure the guys were just teasing us and indulging their "lesbians are hawt" fantasies and didn't actually think we were a couple. It got to a point where I just specifically asked some of the worst offenders to quit with the lesbian jokes, not because they bothered me, but because I was tired of the constant hostility from her. To their credit, they did knock it off.

    I would say that my status at the time was probably "glass closet" in that I wasn't really doing anything to actively discourage people from thinking I was a lesbian (people tend to assume because I fit a lot of the stereotypes), but I wasn't confirming it to anyone either.

    Her hostility was definitely something of a road block to fully accepting my sexuality. We are still friends, though not as close as we once were and now that she's married to a guy she isn't so paranoid about thinking people are going to assume she's lesbian by association, but she still says some pretty homophobic things from time to time.

    I've never broached the subject with her and probably never will, but based on various things she has told me and her actions, I suspect she is probably a deeply closeted bi-sexual with some serious internalized bi/homo-phobia.
     
    #25 Rydia, Feb 5, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2016
  6. cakepiecookie

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    I had zero inkling that I was attracted to women until I was 16, and even after that, it took a few years to be certain about it.

    I think the main reason it took me so long was because I'm attracted to somewhat tomboyish/andro women and there was simply no one around me who fit that description. I'm sure I would have figured it out a lot sooner if I'd known girls who were my "type" when I was younger.

    Another thing is that I did have one or two little crushes on boys. They were very effeminate, but even so, it was enough that I assumed I was into guys.

    Also, as many have said, we live in a heteronormative society. The signs were there, I just wasn't picking up on them because I expected myself to be straight.

    After I started coming out, I actually ended up really falling for a guy. I'm about a Kinsey 5, but at the time I convinced myself it was because I was 50/50 bi. Being in that relationship. I cut myself of from my feelings for women. It wasn't intentional, I was just distracted by my busy life and kids and so on. I managed to stay in that zone for about 4 years before my feelings for women started bubbling to the surface again.

    Overall, I'd say it was a combination of genuinely having my mind elsewhere and actively repressing the feelings when they weren't convenient.
     
    #26 cakepiecookie, Feb 5, 2016
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  7. Bluesteel

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    I was 13 when I realized I wasn't exactly straight. But for some reason (and I still can't pinpoint why) I repressed my feelings. And it wasn't until a few month's ago that I was able to admit to myself that I was gay. I'm now 26.

    Looking back I'm not really sure if it had to do with pressure from society or what. I know I had never met a gay person until I was in high school. And I remember being afraid to be around them. (For fear of them having gaydar and outing me). It was dumb of me to think that. But it was real at the time. I even remember people questioning me and I would brush it off best I could and act even more straight.

    If I was to guess what the common thread was between us I would most likely say fear. And even though I've been in denial my entire life, and sometimes I do regret not seeing the big picture all along. I just got to remember to keep my head high, know that I will get through whatever life has to throw my way.
     
  8. Cool Bananas

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    Now in my 40s I probably started to accept in my 30s, I probably should have known something was wrong in my late teens but I didn't know anyone who was gay and so I had no reference point.

    I guess with the AIDS virus of the 80s I guess being gay in the 80s was not a good time.

    I think part of it as well was meeting people who were gay and then meeting someone or well even more than 1 and you think they would be nice to spend some time with so your brain goes into overdrive.


    The quote above sums up a lot of my feelings.

    I guess for me some people know that I am gay and some don't and sometimes its fun when people question who are you seeing, and its always fun not to give a straight forward answer without giving anything away but it means I am comfortable being in my own skin and being able to chat or even hug anyone you like without people thinking that person is gay and giving yourself negative thoughts about what might happen.
     
  9. ConsciousRose42

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    Hi for me I had my 1st experience with a girl in junior school then through my 20s and 30s I had male partners / boyfriends and slept with some women when drunk -- in my later 30s I pushed my same sex attraction away and said to myself 'it's just fantasy' allowed myself to look at porn but that was it --
    Had a 4 yr relationship with a man and pushed it further away
    For me it's been denial mixed with various addiction problems masking --

    So last yr aged 42 I ended the 4 yr relationship and by this time I wasn't using any of the addictions as in recovery
    A week later 'I woke up ... Literally was walking around the house in disbelief saying to myself 'I'm gay , I'm a gay women '
    Since that day I feel like I've reclaimed a part of me that I didn't allow - had my hair cut short and feel like me --

    It's great :slight_smile:

    I understand what u mean by 'feeling like 2 different people ' I went through a stage of grieving 'the old me' but it takes time and first it's been about my own self acceptance around it -- some people I've told - some not - I'm allowing myself the time I need

    Take it easy --

    Ps I was surprised and relieved when I came here and realised it is common for people to come out later in life --
    I guess we know ourselves better by the middle yrs and have had long enough experiences to validate or not who we really are with our sexuality

    ---------- Post added 6th Feb 2016 at 11:05 AM ----------

    Pps and I think I wanted a man to 'look after me '
    I don't feel like that now -- in fact I feel I'm better suited to looking after someone and they doing the same for me -- equality
     
  10. TNT

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    Interesting thread, and one I really should deal with for myself. At some point in time, I think someone is going to ask me, "How is you didn't know you were gay until you were in your 50s?" In a way, that's a huge change, but I've identified as bisexual to some degree or another since I was 14 or so, so the gay part isn't totally shocking. The "why now?" part gets a little more difficult.

    I'm not sure I'm going to have a good answer to the question I posed.
     
  11. BMC77

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    I don't think I ever really "seriously" used the bisexual label. But I certainly embraced the idea of the Kinsey scale with numbers in the middle, and the thought that many people were "in between." When I joined EC, I thought "bisexual" might be a reasonable label. Except, I don't think it is now. Most of the interest I've had in women has been something other than sexual attraction. That may have been different when I was a teenager. I have a sense that I had some fantasies of girls in sexual situations. Although I don't really recall those fantasies being anything like a wild night of passion with me. And the feelings I had for boys--and the interest in them--was always there, always stronger. (And let us not forget that hormones are out of control, too, as a teeanger. Many boys who grow up to be straight may fool around with a friend as a teenager!)
     
  12. Athena33

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    I believe for me growing up being sexually abused from a very young age, I never had a chance to figure out my sexuality as it was defined for me from 3 years old. I was also raised Catholic. I only had relationships with guys and got married at 20 and started having babies. At about 30 I had sex with my female best friend when we were very drunk and only one time. But I had a deep crush on her that she totally shut down -we were both married with children. It did not even occur to me that I was gay, I just loved her, specifically. Fast forward over 10 years and after years of therapy, I finally came out to myself. I think common threads are experiences of childhood and deep denial/shame.
     
  13. Logan40

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    I've thought about this too. I'm 43 and still coming out and still have yet to have a sexual relationship with a woman. I suppose it is something I've known for a long time, but repression was real growing up in a religious home back in the era of the AIDS scare, and I just focused energies away from my sexual thoughts for so long they just sort of disappeared. Add to that something that I struggle with even now as I'm starting to try to make lesbian friends, etc., I don't really feel like I fit in (a feeling that started back when I had that inkling when I was younger that I 'was not like other girls'), and while I would have never admitted it before, I'm beginning to realize that I've internalized stereotypes of what it meant to be a lesbian. I know that stereotypes are just that, but sometimes it can be hard to overcome the feelings of not fitting in, especially when there are many aspects of what appears to be common lesbian culture locally that I simply don't get or don't want to participate with because my interests lie elsewhere. It's been a bit rough because now I'm feeling like 'I'm not like the other girls who like girls'.
     
  14. Birdie145

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    Hi I'm divorced. I did have a relationship with a woman. Until that point I had considered myself straight. She was a friend initially.

    With hindsight I can recall fooling around with (not sure how to describe it) a friend, almost getting caught. Boyfriends before my husband left me feeling something was missing.
    For a while I'd been thinking I must be bi. But now I've had space being divorced I think I'm gay. I don't feel attracted to men. Even when I was with my husband I always fantasized about women.

    Until I was with my gf I didn't know it could be like that....WOW! I've never experienced anything like that in all my life, it was incredible.

    I have come out here and to myself. But family is another matter. My parents are very homophobic, think it's disgusting. I am well aware that any signs of me being gay as a girl would have been squashed - my father can be quite a bully. So apart from here and a couple of coffee meetings I've not told anyone else yet. I think that's,partly me finding my own way through this, I don't need negativity from people caught up with their stuff.

    Being middle aged I realised you only get one life. Like another poster I have even contemplated presenting as straight to family until my parents die (sounds awful). But I really can't be with a man. I tried joining a few gay sites but I don't think they're for me. I'm very feminine, I wonder if that makes it harder to meet someone? A couple of lesbian women I knew seemed to "sense" I'm gay, I don't know how.

    There's so much more information around now than when I was in my 20's. I feel very green in a lot of ways.
     
  15. MS001

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    I've known since I went through puberty and was willing to act on it in a secretive way (only sexually in select environments) but not willing to be emotionally available for a relationship. I kind of feel like this is a popular story with young men but not young women. Now I am out and ready to make myself emotionally available for a relationship.
     
  16. Forhim

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    Personally, I am just starting to come out, wife will be the next to know. For me it was the thought of the other persons reaction. I was struggling with being gay since 11, and now I'm 42. I also think because of my background, where church was mandatory, I stuffed my feeling deep inside myself. Also, with what I thought society required of me. Grow up, find a wife, have 2.5 kids and a house with a white fence. I had a trigger crush about 6 years ago that made me realize I was not happy in my str8 situation and needed it to change. My trigger crush and I became good friends and he is a support person I confide in often. He thinks that the reactions of others is key of why some do not come out but wait till later in life.
     
  17. trailrider

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    I knew for sure when I was in college. I never acted on it, because it was "wrong". I keep looking back on a specific time in my twenties when I had the perfect window to just come out and live my life, but I was to much of a coward.
     
  18. Birdie145

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    I certainly think the vibes, messages, attitudes I grew up with within my family have played a big part in me being a later bloomer!

    I'd like a emotional connection before anything else, yes I've noticed there seem to be a lot of similar posts by men.
     
  19. yellow2002

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    I am just having my first real life girl crushes in my late twenties. I've always appreciated a woman's body but I would just think i was envious of them. If I checked out a girl's butt it was because it was a nice butt I wanted to have, etc. I never thought I'd have any desire to be with a woman until now.

    I don't think I ever had a female crush until now though. It freaks me out sometimes still but then again, I'm not much of a risk taker, so this whole thing just makes me beyond anxious
     
  20. TravelerMe

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    It varies for all of us I guess. As I approach 50 I see it as maybe youth slipping away. Like this is my "last chance" to finally to start to live authentically.

    I knew deep down since I was 12 and from then.... just insert all the reasons stated above; shame, it was wrong, fear, wanted a family etc.

    Then everyday happens; no time but to care for kids. I knew I was gay but never associated my discomfort and feeling out of place with others with being gay. Its like I've been wearing a costume for 35 years and didn't quite get it. I knew but didn't get what it meant for me. Hiding takes a toll on you and I'm done with it.

    When I'm feeling myself, out of that false skin like just hanging with someone I'm out to its so refreshing.

    Not sure when I'll be totally there but need to plan and work for it.