I want to be hetero

You can't be hetero. You can, however, choose to have sex with a man. You can choose to get married and have kids. You can choose that life.
You cannot choose to be straight.

 

Sorry about the self-pity stuff, I just wanted to give a motivational 'extra' push but got a bit carried away.

Anyway, you say you want to belong to average, traditional, normal, etc... think about it this way: 1- that 'average', rather than being something absolute, is constantly changing across multiple epoches and societies and you can even extend that to nature and evolution. Everything is flowing and changing all the time. Those who are always trying to go with the flow of the majority are often caught wrogfooted, as the 'flow' changes like a flock of birds, and they might be the last ones to realize, this happens to investors, fashionists, politicians alike.

It is aways a minority that stand out for what they believe and do not give a damn about what others are saying or doing. These are the leaders, trendsetters, visionaries who make a difference to the world and will be remembered. Look inside yourselve for guidance, not to the outside.

 

I used to feel a lot like this. But I think beginning to accept that you are different is the only way to be truly happy. It will take time (maybe a lot of time) but you can take one small step at a time. Perhaps eventually one day it will be harder not to stand up and be proud of who you are than to hide it and pretend to be someone you are not. It has taken me a while, I'm still working on it. I hope the forum helps, it definitely has for me!

 

I hate to see you struggling so much. I doubt I'm to say a lot more than anyone else has to encourage to accept yourself as who you are. Like I'm sure everyone else has said there's really no way to "rewire" yourself. It's like trying to suddenly become left handed when you're right handed. You would be forcing yourself and it would be so painful to go through that.

I can somewhat relate though.I just came out as bisexual and understand how in your mind you kind of just want to push the thoughts out and say "no, I'm straight not bi because this just isn't what I want to be." Well, for me I've come to learn I like women and I'm a lot happier accepting it than killing myself emotionally over denying it. I understand the general public isn't going to like it and I'm entering a whole new world of the LGBT community, but you know what, I know I'm accepted in the LGBT community.

I've lived in the hetero community my whole life and trust me they'll find something to judge you by. I find the LGBT community far more accepting of me than the hetero community, even if hetero the majority (I'm not hating on hetero, so don't get me wrong). I hate to see people find something so trivial to hate another person for. It's even worse when you do it to yourself.

 

Big feels for you here. There was a time when I'd have given anything to re-wire my brain. I hate, hate, hate standing out and am a follower by nature. Massive credit to the strong world changers out there, but I am never going to be one of them and I'm at peace with that. So, five years ago, I remember laughing hollowly, with tears in my eyes, at the thought that life would deal me this card in which I was gay. What a $*"!!!. The self hate, the reluctance to embrace a life different to that I'd always envisaged, was very intense. In hindsight I totally had to grieve for my Plan A and I'm not going to lie, it wasn't pleasant. It felt very unfair and non-achievable to venture towards Plan B. So my heart is with you and I'd guess very many people here can relate to what you're feeling and... have got through it. I would never have considered myself a strong person before all this. Turns out I barely knew myself, or how happy I could be. There is hope. Time moves and has a pesky way of dragging us with it. Grief works like that. Let it play out and see what it brings you. Take care x

 

teared up while reading this. oh hun...

 

traditional is not always what we think it is-- I have found that we make up myths about what traditional is and then stand behind it because it is easy and comfortable

I would look at why you need traditional to be happy- what is driving that- and is it real and yes you need to look at self- hatred

Is your traditional coming a religious view- and if so-- is a valid- there are more than one way to read a text-and to be honest there are all kinds of non-traditional family units in the Bible

 

i'm originally from the Island too. i feel you IH8ME, i really understand. a lot of my family still lives there and without going into too much detail, some of us can relate very closely to what you're dealing with: the self-hatred.

the poster who said that you can't be straight was spot on. i don't know your age but i'm pretty young-spirited and youthful for my age and I can only say, do whatever online research, therapy, meetups, that you can do to overcome your feelings as they are right now. you like girls. you are perfect just as you are. don't waste any more time. life is short and we only get one shot.

i'm just coming to face my fate and everyday does get better. i'm wearing a bunch of girls' clothes today and i'm not sweating a drop nor am i feeling anxious. i feel like me. and you deserve to feel like you. you get to make that choice. i'm very timid, shy and a people pleaser thinking that respect wins respect - which is what i was tought in elementary school. but that doesn't always work.

i know the Island can be tough but go for yours and face your fate. You'll never be straight but you'll be happier being true to yourself.

 

I am a gay man who made the choice you want to make back in 1969 when I married a woman. I had been in therapy for 4 years before I proposed. We were married for 23 years during which I was faithful having committed to a monogamous relationship. I too did not want to live in a gay relationship at that time and wanted a family life with children. We had 3 wonderful boys, all adults now and I regret only that we grew apart. I admitted to "strong homosexual feelings before we were married". It didn't scare her.

If this is what you want first forget about the attraction and sexual aspects of this kind of relationship. Date men. You can't tell me you never met a man you love if you love your dad. Loving a man as a person is the first step. You then need to commit to handling whatever difficulty you may have sexually and commit to being monogamous and until death do you part. After all, bringing children into this world and letting your selfishness breakup their home would not be a nice thing to do.

I had a lot of difficulty having an erection at the beginning of our honeymoon but after some very tearful conversations and working on my head I succeeded and then had a very satisfactory sex life for the 23 years. You don't need an erection to perform his will suffice lol.

It doesn't seem like you have made the decision yet. I hope my story helps. I'd like to know what you finally decide and will be happy to answer any questions you might have.

 

I agree with inamirrordarkly on this - you can't choose who you are, but you can choose your lifestyle. And better to do it with clear head BEFORE marriage and kids. I was forced to go through all this after and I tell you - it's much worse. I felt like I didn't have a choice..You do - just sit down and try to think of all the good and bad things surrounding each path - it helped me a lot. You have to understand that if you choose a hetero lifestyle, the longing for women will still be there. You have to come up with solutions how to live with that. And choose your husband wisely - he absolutely has to be your friend and you have to like his personality. I know it should be like this in all marriages, bet let's be honest - it's not the case. True friendship between spouses is rare Also it is very important not to idealize gay relationships. All human relationships have their ups and downs regardless of gender combination. You will have to work on your marriage both if you choose man or woman as your partner. Hope all this helps