ex partner a closet gay?

I don't know if he is gay or bicurious, or whatever. What I do know is he's something. I went through a similar period in my life. Sometimes people are fascinated by gay sex and trying it can only be the thing that lets you know if you're in fact into or not. Granted, most people who go actively seeking it I would imagine virtually all of them are gay. He's clearly into dudes to some degree or he wouldn't be on those sites.

It's difficult trying to come to terms with being gay - if he, in fact, is. You're worried about the loss of your relationship (e.g. you), your relationsips with your friends and family. He may have a lot to lose by coming out and admitting his bi/homosexuality.

It's hard to say if you can do anything to make him comfortable enough. This may be something he needs to work through with himself - either with a therapist, or perhaps meeting with other gay people who can guide him through a lot of the confusion and a host of either feelings he may be experiencing. The one thing that really helped me during this period of my life was talking to others gay people. Learning about their experiences, learning about how they deal with being gay, being out, and leading a normal life.

If he is gay, he's likely in a state of transition and may not know how to go about moving into this next phase of his life. I would recommend it taking it slow and cautiously. If you go in too heavy, it could scare him off. The male ego is a very fragile thing, especially in this place of weakness that he appears to be in. There's still a lot of stigma attached to being gay. The only way I've found to get over that is to own it. But this can take months, years, or even a lifetime to get comfortable with being seen in a new way by people. Sometimes your social circle just doesn't make this possible, or makes it very hard.

 

It’s difficult to say. He himself probably doesn’t even know for sure what he is.

You do know this: based on his behavior, you can safely say that he is (at least on some level) attracted to guys. That likely means he is at least bisexual.

My advice is just to be supportive and compassionate – getting angry or blaming him for anything isn’t going to help either of you much. It sounds like you’re already being very supportive, which is good.

It also sounds like he’s managed to internalize a lot of homophobia – fear and outright hate of those that are homosexual. I’m sure the “macho family” didn’t help much in this area.

It can be a good “cover-up” for trying when trying to hide a part of yourself from others, but when you do it long enough you come to believe it. This creates a huge internal problem when he himself is that which he purports to hate. Two completely opposing beliefs duking it out in his mind.

The only way he’s going to be able to unwind all the shame he’s built up is to talk about it with someone – be it you, family, a counselor, a support group, etc. In my experience, talking about shame is the only sure-fire way to overcome it.