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Hetero-normative culture and its effect on you

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Sean12, Jan 25, 2016.

  1. Sean12

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    Just wondering how the hetero-normative culture of where you live has effected how you discovered your sexuality/gender and came out about it. When I say hetero-normative I am also referring to gender as well as sexuality, so feel free to post any experiences you have!:icon_bigg
    I have a friend that talked about gay topics a lot and really de-stigmatized the idea for me. That really helped me accept the feelings that I had. I would probably be struggling a lot more if it weren't for her (*hug*) So yeah thats how I got past the whole "being gay is something that is unnatural" thing. Now that I'm starting to accept my feelings I am starting to remember times that I had a pseudo crush on a guy or was attracted to someone that I ignored because I assumed I was straight and that was what was expected of me.
    All of the "future wife" and "do you like any girls" comments that are constantly said (they aren't trying to be rude, they don't know) annoy me to no end. And that there are very few gay couples in mainstream media. I mean, whens the last time you saw a gay couple in a movie thats not centered on that topic? Even Disney movies for little kids always have some sort of hetero couple in them:tantrum:. And, assuming someone is gay is considered an insult, but assuming someone is straight is normal. No one would ever dare to ask you if you have a same sex significant other.

    Anyway those are just some of my thoughts about the subject. I can't wait to hear what you guys think :icon_bigg (!)
     
  2. crazydiamond

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    I definitely relate to that. We don't have enough representation in media, that's for sure. But even outside of that, like you said, people think that being gay is an insult. I see it all the time. People comment on things that have to do with LGBT issues and they always feel the need to point out that they're not gay, and "no homo" etc.

    And whenever you meet a new person, you have to come out again and again. If my girlfriend comes up I mention her casually, because I refuse to go about my personal relationships like I have to explain myself for my sexuality. I just say "Oh my girlfriend and I are doing such and such this weekend" and then they go, "Oh, you're a lesbian...? Hmm that's..cool".

    And the most annoying thing is that I still feel uncomfortable when I go out with my girl and we get dirty looks. It's mostly parents with their kids and older people. It's sad to me that the place I feel the most comfortable is the gay community in the next city over. LGBT people should be able to feel safe and comfortable wherever they go.
     
    #2 crazydiamond, Jan 25, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2016
  3. Kinky

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    Well, it's excusable that there few of us in the media, there few of us in society after all :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: But, I'm seeing more LGBT persons in movies, TV series, gaming...it's a slow progress, but in the right direction :slight_smile:
    As for the whole "future wife", I can relate. Such questions are usually annoying at worse and I can brush them off. Thankfully my family isn't so big on marriage, my relatives on the other hand can be very nosy. What I can't tolerate is "You should be strong and dependable. Girls like guys who are strong and dependable". It was frankly insulting, patronizing and manipulative. Why do I have to be anything for girls?? My aunt said that statement so many often to mold me into her perfect gentleman. I was young and naive then.
     
  4. ecallan

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    I'm not sure if I'm answering the question properly but no one would think to come up to me and ask me any questions because I look like the norm. I walk around with a man with a ring on my finger. I feel like I've always been pressured, especially by my family to follow traditional Christian values because that is the norm where I come from. I'm bisexual and do live a perfectly happy life but have always felt the pressure to follow the traditions and anything outside of that was unnatural. I'm sure I'd get a swarm of questions and looks if I walked around with a woman, especially considering I'm married regardless of my husband being okay with it. That is definitely not the norm where I live.
     
  5. lovetoomuch

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    My problem has always been just being 'different.' I was raised by a traditional Catholic family, my extended family is extremely traditional, and the suburb in which I live in has very few LGBTQ+ members. My exposure to the gay community was very limited growing up, which caused a lot of denial and self-hate throughout my teenage years. I did everything to try to force feelings for girls, even though you obviously can't change how you feel.

    The whole Catholic thing never bothered me or concerned me. I still identify as Catholic and have never believed the whole "God doesn't love you" argument. He created me this way for some reason (this is just my belief, I know there are a fair share of atheists on here) and would want me to live a life I am happy with.. Would God rather me live a lie?

    But since coming out to my parents two weeks ago, I can tell they feel some shame. I think they fear for me because of all the hate that still exists out there, even though I worry about it much less than they do now. They also mentioned how they don want to tell my extended family yet because some people wouldn't be approving, but I could really care less. If I'm not wanted at a family party, I won't come.

    In my town, as I said, there are very few LGBTQ+ members and the ones who are gay or bisexual fit many stereotypes. I on the other hand played sports, didn't really fit the stereotypes (or did a good job of hiding it), and just didn't feel like it would be possible to come out. But I'm learning to care less about what other people think and I now realize I must live a life I'm happy with. So yeah, society definitely played a major role in how I perceived being heterosexual as being "normal."
     
  6. VideoGAYmer

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    While gays are pretty much non-existent around here and everyone expects you to be straight, everyone also has a open mind. being called a faggot isn't really that much of a insult, gay or not, since no one takes offense from anything and can just be written off as friendly banter. also, all the girls tend to fight over who gets the gay best friend but, alas, i am not that kind of person.
     
  7. H20

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    Growing up I've moved around a lot and have experienced a variety of hetero-normative "regulations". I've been to places where various gender expressions are okay, but anything not straight was grounds for harassment, and I've been to a small town where open sexuality and expression is pretty much encouraged or simply disregarded.

    Some things still stuck around everywhere though. The assumption you're straight is everywhere. There's only ever been one instance where someone thought I was gay, but she at least asked me if I was (but at the time I wasn't at terms with this so I said no).

    What gets to me the most though, and I hear this a lot at home, is that the woman is supposed to take care of her man by cooking and cleaning for him, which I found absurdly sexist and archaic for present day. I also hate how people say real men take care of their family. While this is true, what about women? Real women take care of their family as well, and in more than just cleaning, cooking, and being a mother (if she wants to be a mother). She supports everyone in whatever way she can and want to as long as it's not neglectful, abusive, or otherwise just wrong. Some women fit stereotypes and that's okay, but to say that's what a real woman is is not okay.

    Another hetero-normative thing I've experienced prior to coming out as a trans male is that people assumed I wanted children when I got older because at the time I identified as a tomboy gal. Whenever I said I didn't want children and if I ever changed my mind I would adopt, they said "You'll change your mind" or "You'll learn to be a good mother". Also during this time, I got a lot of drama from people (mostly girls) because I wouldn't go anywhere near dresses/skirts or anything that wasn't running shoes. If someone tried to force these or makeup on me they said I made an ugly girl, wasn't a real girl (ironically, I'm not), or it's not normal. Which I was indignant to, molding me into a preacher of natural beauty and being an intense but not radical feminist, but I find it sad that women think they need makeup all the time to feel beautiful. I get it makes you feel empowered and pretty, but to feel like you HAVE to wear because you're expected to otherwise you're the ugly duckling, it says a lot about our society.

    What I don't get is why it's okay to be a stay-at-home mom, but it's lazy and wrong if the man is a stay-at-home father in a heterosexual relationship. Anyone else have thoughts on this?
     
  8. Libra Neko

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    I have been very fortunate in not knowing any homophobes very well. I live in Southern California and there is a lot going on in the queer community here.
     
  9. Gomez

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    Heteronormativity.... I've realized that when I tried to win the attention of men in the past it's not because I was interested in them, but because that's what's expected of a girl. He's single and nice and handsome, so obviously I'm into him, that kind of mentality. I never thought any different until a certain woman came into my life and knocked me over the head with a reality brick. "Oh! THIS is what infatuation feels like! THIS is why the girls in high school went ga-ga over their boyfriends!" :lol:
     
  10. Sean12

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    I think that the idea that its considered "wrong" by some people to be a stay at home dad is similar to the reason why politicians make such a huge fuss about trans women (MtF). American culture has a very firm idea of what masculinity is and are offended if someone doesn't fit into that idea. The stay at home dad is somehow showing "weakness" by doing "female jobs". This seems to also stem from sexism because some people believe women to be weaker and less good they would also see trans women and stay at home dads as weak. Get what I mean?
    Thats just my take. Not sure if its right or not. Correct me if I'm wrong :slight_smile:
     
  11. H20

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    It does seem pretty accurate really - sadly. Cleanliness, organization, and parental instincts isn't a weakness in my opinion. It's more like decency and having responsibility (especially where kids may be concerned). But I think anyone who objects to sexist stereotypes are stronger than those who do, since strength is much more than physical. As for masculinity, I think most of society uses it as an excuse to be "rightfully" egotistical - and this is coming from a guy!

    The world does realize that pride and wrath are two deadly sins, right?
     
  12. 741852963

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    For me its just the distinction people seem to have:

    "Men - heterosexual
    Homosexual - errrm, not men?"

    Hearing comments like "any man would want to be with her" etc instead of "any straight man would want to be with her".

    I understand and don't really mind the presumed heterosexuality BUT it is the tieing to gender which is bothersome, as it leaves little room for gay men to be men, instead always putting them as a kind of "sloppy second" "men, but not quite men" or "not real men" category.
     
  13. Vav

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    On the surface it doesn't affect me too much. I don't get upset when people assume I'm straight. I often play along with it. When I actually want to be out to people I run into issues. Girl on girl still fits within heteronormativity for a lot of people.

    I always feel like I'm out in the girl on girl category whenever I come out to people. They still expect my to be with guys after I come out. That would never happen if I were male. People will probably keep me in the "girl on girl" category until I'm in a very long term relationship.

    Being put in the "girl on girl" category is very hurtful. It makes me feel like there's something extremely wrong with me. I know that it's just heteronormativity, sexism and ageism.

    Since I'm on the asexual spectrum I had a hard time with my sexuality. I don't have a strong and consistent attraction to women. People would often assume that if I'm attracted to girls it must be a very strong attraction. I wish I knew more about asexuality when I came out.

    I also find heteronormativity very hurtful because a lot of aspects of my sexuality are weird. Since I'm in the grey area I kind of feel forced to pick the straighter option. Even though I find the idea of being with a man disgusting.
     
  14. femininemale

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    Used to be straight, In a technical straight relationship, so doesn't effect me too much. Except on the whole coming out border, that cant happen til i move out. I live in a homophobic family house that lives by heteronormativity and need to get out before i even think about telling anyone anything. But i have told a few friends, ones that are really close.
     
  15. kageshiro

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    It simply is and always will be. I'm accepting of it.
     
  16. armydude

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    I fit in well with straight folks, so i think it has made the whole gay experience an even weirder afterthought for me. Not only am i different than straight ppl, obviously, but i feel i have even less in common with most gays. So who knowwwwwwwwws
     
  17. Kasey

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    Kept me in the closet for about 30 years of my life even though I always had a feeling that I was different.
     
  18. 1ring

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    I grew up in a very heteronormative place; there were no gay couples and my parents never talked about any lgbt subjects. This really effected me because all of my life I've assumed I'm straight. I knew it was what I should act like and so I did. I realized that I'm not straight when I was 14. Heteronormativity has effected me so that instead of realizing that I'm bisexual, I simply realized that I wasn't straight.
     
  19. Sean12

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    This makes me think of those parents that tell their kids that an opposite sex friend is their boyfriend/girlfriend in preschool or kindergarten
     
    #19 Sean12, Feb 8, 2016
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  20. armydude

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    Hetero-normative culture? How about just culture. Everywhere on earth is hetero-normative. If we keep viewing this as oppressive, instead of just the natural way things are, then we succumb to playing the victim card.