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Best Man, But I'm Trans.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by PurlpleAurora, Jan 24, 2016.

  1. PurlpleAurora

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    Sorry for the mistake in the title.

    Maybe you guys can help me with this.

    My best friend from growing up is getting married in march. We have known each other since we were nine. I am twenty three now, and he is twenty four. Ryan is getting married March 12. I was invited to dinner by him and one of my other best friends. I was asked to be one of the grooms men in the wedding. Well Ryan doesn't know that I am trans. And I am afraid to tell him because I don't want to loose him as a friend. I was going to wait till the time is right. Though I guess I can't procrastinate the inevitable much longer. I am going to have to tell him. It makes me very uncomfortable to be asked to be a grooms man in a wedding. I don't identify as male, and I hate to wear a suit. I am at an impasse here. I am almost certain that Ryan is homophobic; and my other best friend that was with us at dinner was also asked to be a grooms man. Jaycee has also yet to come out to Ryan because he is so unsure of how things will go. We both fear that Ryan will loose his shit. I don't know how Ryan feels about trans individuals. I would have to assume that he is transphobic.

    I feel that because I have not told him yet that I am hurting our relationship more than if I had already broken the news to him.

    I need some advice.

    No I won't be a brides maid.

    I have not yet started hormones. But I plan on trying to start next month. So my body has not yet been feminized. But still being in his wedding as a grooms man makes me feel super uncomfortable.

    :bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang:
     
    #1 PurlpleAurora, Jan 24, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2016
  2. armydude

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    Bottom line if you dont wanna do it, don't.

    But i think sucking it up and being best man would be the right move. It's supporting your friend and, as far as he knows, not asking you to do anything that takes you out of your comfort zone.

    Think about when you come out to him later down the road. If you say yes, he can look back on things and realize you were there for him during the big moments of his life, and he should be there for you during yours (coming out). Knowing it made u uncomfortable, but that you still did it, would be further proof to him how much you care about the friendship. I think being best man could really help you to he accepted when u decide to be open as a trans individual.
     
  3. kageshiro

    kageshiro Guest

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    Being the best man at your friends wedding doesn't make you any less trans. I say go for it, unless you really don't want to
     
  4. WallWeed

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    I was in the same boat a couple of months ago. I was asked to be a bridesmaid, and the thought of wearing a dress mortified me.

    That said, I still did it, and I survived. Was it uncomfortable? Oh yeah. Did I want to run away and rip my skin off? Yes, yes. Still yet, it was all worth it. Why? Because the wedding wasn't about me. It was about my friend. If she cared enough about me and our friendship to honor me with such a role, I wasn't about to let my own personal issues divert the attention she deserved on her special day to make it all about me. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about trans rights and making a stand for yourself, and I do feel it's important to come out when you're ready, but there are times when it's best to "suck it up," as it were, and take one for the team (or, in this case, your friend). If you feel you need to tell him, fine, but if you've waited this long, you can wait a while longer. The time surrounding his wedding day simply is not the best time to do that for all parties involved.
     
  5. Michael

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    This...

    It's up to you to decide if you can deal with it knowing your friendship will probably end anyways.
     
  6. Jellal

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    I can't speak to your level of discomfort, but I deal with practically the whole world treating me as a male every day. I was raised to not complain, and it's true that this has caused me plenty of pain, but something positive has come out of it too. Mentally, I am resilient and able to endure most people's misconceptions of me. I just remind myself silently that they're wrong, and likely not ready for the truth. I believe you have the power to endure it as well if you choose to do so, for this occasion.

    Seconding what others have said in that if you do choose to attend, remember you are doing it for your friend, and not for yourself. There are times where even I have to admit self-interest needs to take a backseat. I have a cousin who's a war veteran suffering from PTSD. Over six of his buddies committed suicide since coming home. Am I out to him? No. He'll call me "mister" and "sir" and I'll do my best to sweep it under the carpet for his sake, because the times I spend speaking with him are times that are all about him, not me.
     
    #6 Jellal, Jan 25, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2016
  7. FoxEars

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    I've been to weddings where the best man is actually the groom's mum/ friend who is a girl. Don't let the title put you off!
     
  8. Matto_Corvo

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    True

    And there are maids of honor and bride maids who are men. I had a friend who's best man was his female cousin (she agreed to wear a tux and everything) and his bride had three maids who were guys. Its not that uncommon. Being a best man doesn't mean you actually have to be a man.
     
  9. Jiramanau

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    I know you suspect he is homophobic/transphobic but that might not be as true as it seems. My experience when I came out as gay 2 years ago and now as I'm beginning to come out as trans has actually been very positive. For the most part even people who had been vocally homo/transphobic when they thought I was straight/male where very accepting and positive, especially once they had some time to process what I had told them. I think most of the homo/transphobia that straight people, particularly men, project is more about social posturing than actual prejudice. And even if those people do harbor some prejudice, finding out that someone you're close to is part of the group you're judging makes a person reevaluate their beliefs, even if they don't change their minds. It's a lot easier to hate a group of "anonymous others" than someone you love.

    As to whether you should be his groomsmen, only you can answer that. I completely understand wanting to puke at the thought of putting on a suit but most bridesmaids will tell you that wearing clothes you find ugly or rediculous is just part of being there for your friend on their special day.

    That said I think this whole thing may be a good opportunity to come out to your friend without making it all about you. Explain your feelings tactfully. Don't just say "im a woman", instead explain that you've never felt like you identify with the male roll society handed you and that you are going to transition in the near future, but that you would still like to participate in the wedding in whatever roll he likes because that day is all about him and you care about him enough to put your personal feelings aside and be there for your friend. Look at it this way: He's going to have pretty much the same reaction no matter when you tell him. If he's going to cut you off, do you really want to be in his wedding photos so that he can point to you and say "this used to be my friend, then he went crazy and became a woman"? On the other hand, it's very likely that he will accept you and be happy that you are becoming your authentic self, and those same photos will be a symbol of your friendship; "oh that's ____, before her transition. She told me before the wedding that she was going to transition but was still willing to put on that penguin suit because she's an awesome friend"
     
  10. Kasey

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    I've been there done that.

    Remember it is THEIR day. You might have to suffer through it like many of us do. But do it for your friend. I did during my friends wedding. Then again I was only out to like literally him and his wife ironically so I couldn't be in a dress. Not sure how it will be when my brother gets married... I dread that day.
     
  11. AlexTheGrey

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    I'll add my voice to this chorus, since I've been there. It was super uncomfortable for sure, but considering the situation in hindsight, I think I would probably have still done it. In their situation, they didn't really have a lot of people to draw from in high school, and it would have been really hard to say no to them. Even so, I did excuse myself a bit early so I could claw the suit off of me and get rid of it forever.

    I think the weirdest part for me though is that it happened not that long before I started seriously questioning. But there definitely was that sense that everything was backwards and inside out during the whole thing. It was a very surreal day.
     
  12. Lazuri

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    Was about to say exactly this as I was in your exact situation two years ago.

    Normally I say that being trans is all about being selfish and that you should never compromise your identity to satisfy others, but a wedding is like the one exception I have.

    It's their day, so try to make it as little about yourself as possible. Don't complicate things--a wedding is complicated as it is and at a perfect wedding, the couple should only have to think about their beloved and their life together.