The reason I'm extremely confused as to whether I am a lesbian or bi is because I can't figure out whether my attraction to men is genuine or not. My attraction to women is solid and I have been attracted to them since a very young age (I didn't realise it at the time) but as a young kid I had many innocent encounters with girls that I ignored and forgot about as I grew up. I guess I never imagined that being gay was a possibility for me, when my brother came out I thought it was impossible for there to be two gay children in a family, well not rather impossible but extremely rare as it was something I had never previously heard of. So I assumed I was possibly bi at around age 14/15 but I always said that I had to deny that attraction of mine to women as at that stage I was not attracted to many girls, there was maybe one or two I found attractive in my lifetime. Now I am 17 and my attraction to women has grown immensely. I started questioning everything properly around a year ago when I met my trigger crush. She was beautiful in every sense of the word and there was an undeniable connection which we both attempt to hide, but as they say the eyes are the window to the soul and I could just tell. Prior and inbetween to having being close with this girl, I was confused of her feelings. This was a factor which led me to exploring my sexuality with men. As well as the fact I had a conversation with my father who expressed his views on my brother 'lifestyle', the comments he made were not supportive at all. After that conversation I specifically remember thing myself to stop thinking about this girl and to never think of a girl romantically or sexually again as I must not fail my father, and he must not have a second child fail him in the same way. I then coincidentally got a boyfriend, lost my virginity and so on. The sex was never good, this is personal and somewhat descriptive but I bled for the first 3/4 times having sex with this guy. I told myself I was just extremely tight but apparently that is all a myth and if I was aroused enough it wouldn't of happened. I cried about the whole experience for a while. I thought I really liked him, I went to bed every night and I think I thought up the person I wanted him to be, or the person I should be with. He never seized those expectations and when we were together in person there was no real connection on my behalf, seeing him was somewhat of a chore. We only hung out in his bedroom to have sex... anywho he ended up cheating on me. After that I went on somewhat of a rampage, slept with his best friend whilst I had taken ecstasy, I don't fully recall the experience, it was clearly not enjoyable... I didn't cum or remember it as being a good experience. I then slept with another male whilst really really drunk... I don't remember that either and it lasted very shortly as someone walked in on us at a party. So as you can see me encounters with men have been fairly odd and strange to say the least. Inbetween all of this I would kiss a lot of guys at parties, but I never felt anything, nothing when I kissed them. And my attraction to women seems so much more magnetic then with men. However what confuses me is sometimes I see myself slightly attracted to men, it's definitely not their bodies but their face sometimes seems appealing to me and I want to impress them. Perhaps I'm having a hard time letting go of who I had imagined myself to be for so long, I think I was severely brain washed as a child. Constantly asked why I didn't have a boyfriend, constantly told how wonderful a wedding between a man and a woman is, all the heterosexual fairytale bullshit fed to me maybe led me to believe I would always end up with a man? I had about 4 encounters with girls from the age 5-11 - all innocent but I did passionately kiss a few and some other light stuff. But as I grew up did I get confused and caught up in the heteronormative ways of society??? What do you guys think? Any advice because I'm lost
Also let me add that I've always feared being bi sexual and would rather be lesbian as I remember my mum saying when I was young that bi sexuality is not real and they must chose a side. So to me being gay would be easier? Am I trying really hard to not like men and only women? I feel I'm going crazy.
Hey I'm not sure if this will be helpful but I am going threw the same thing I am gay and I am having these thoughts and curiosities as well and I'm afraid of losing myself who i am who ive been confident about all these years but hey its OKAY ive learned that the more you worry about it the more it comes back so when the thought comes just go with the flow its normal to be curious and to be honest I think the same thing to I am in denial but the truth is I am just afraid of change and I guess you are to your are anxious and there are many ways to deal with this go out take a walk do something to keep your mind off this when you have the chance to go somewhere do it so you could forget about this and in time you will get to know yourself!! I hope I helped good luck!
A lot of info to sort through. I very well understand the feeling weird someone in the family came out and I feel oh shit I can't now. My first experiences were same sex. I understand the feeling weird about it because when I was very young what felt ok and normal to me was beaten by "Society" as wrong. My opinion except you and how you feel and be true to that. Please be careful with actions concerning intoxication. Bad decisions doing so will only hurt you and finding where your heart is at. Best of wishes!
Hey treasure, you wrote a lot so i will try to go into different aspects. First of all i know how it is to feel very comftable around some people just by looking into their eyes and by their presence. You should always keep those people close. At least as friends but if it feels good for both of you it would seem likely for you to try more and it does not matter if that person is a guy or a girl. You said you were looking back at your former relations with other girls and i´ve also realized that even if you don´t know it at that time you are closer to the gener(s) you feel attracted to at least to some individuals. And i this one always knows more truths than one is abeld to accept. To your ´dull´experiences with men, i would not give that to much credit to judge if you are lesbian/bi. It sounds like you felt the urge to explore your sexuality (like especially young people do) and came in touch with boys that didn´t ´light your fire`. I mean i am considering myselve as bi and there are a hole lot of beautiful and hot people that don´t attract me. You might have simply not found a guy that gets you going. By the way, don't do drugs . I also understand the urge to define yourself as clear as possible as lesbian/bi or whatever. That thought made me crazy for a rather long time but the truth for me is that it is not that clear cut as i would wish it tho be. You clearly say that you enjoy some special girls in a romantic way. If it is like that at the moment build on it. It won't make you happy to think and doubt and question your sexuality. Work with what you have and let the rest come. sober said something about going with the flow, i think he is right with that. If you like boys and girls both will feel commutable somewhen, but give it time. Respect your parents but don´t let them lead your (love-)life, they sure want the best for you but may not be abeld to understand you. You live to achieve happiness in your life not in the life of your parents. Last but not least feeling lost is really nothing pleasurable. I´ve experienced that and still do at bad days. A lot things seem to change and what is most alarming the way you see yourselve is changing. It is not easy to lead your life while you are not sure what defines you and who you are. But i think (and hope) that this will simply take some time and you should precisely listen to how the things feel for you. Just go for those things and this process will define your sexuality(/personality) on its own. greetings Marv
It sounds like you are a lesbian to me, but from my personal experience, the only person who can figure it out is you. You can takes as many "am i gay?" quizzes and ask as many people online but it is you who has to be the judge of that. It's all confusing now, but one day it will come to you and you will realize it on your own. It took me years, but I hope it doesn't take as long for you.
