I have realized that I'm a lesbian and now I have a few concerns

A few months ago, I posted a thread in which I expressed my confusion regarding my orientation. I've made some progress since then and have come to the realization that I'm indeed a lesbian.

I felt (after a horrible year of doubt and trying every label I could find on the internet) that there was some potential in me for liking girls but it felt like it was not enough. I have never been aware of any conscious denial, but after talking to an online friend who was going through a similar process I realized I have never really given it a fair chance either. Since the start of puberty, there have been many occasions where I wondered whether I might be bisexual/romantic, so I guess I was at least feeling something that had provoked these thoughts. For example, I've had dreams about fragmented female bodies which caused some erotic feelings but I always thought they were just a metaphor for my own body.

So I just tried pretending (i.e. calling myself internal gay and fantasizing/looking at people accordingly) I was gay for a week (at least that was the plan)... but I never went back?

The thing is I could step by step have real fantasies about individual women, which I never really could before. I also got some dreams about girl crushes I thought I had in the past, like I got feelings for them backwards, if that makes sense. I also had the chance to meet again with a girl I knew at high school and have doubted about for 3 years whether I was in love with her or not. I discovered that I still constantly wanted to casually touch her (I'm not a touchy person and never do it with friends and I never had this feeling with a boy - however, I started to remember I also had this feeling with another girl).

There are also a few things I always had struggled with which seems to be fading.. I often had empty and actually a bit scary thoughts about abstract men, often about their sexual dominance, which made me feel like I was floating above my body. They are not completely gone but have diminished immensly. Moreover, I have doubted my gender identity a lot in the past but when I realized I could really be a lesbian I felt instantly at peace with my gender/body.

However, it still feels a bit subtle, if you understand what I mean. Firstly, I almost completely overlooked my feelings for women. Secondly, I'm still a bit paranoid that what I'm feeling is not enough to be "truly gay".

I think I was clung to the idea that I was interested in men, because when I was younger I believed I had a few male crushes as well. I believed I was even in love with a boy but I have come to the realization that it was all in my head.. I never found his body appealing or even aesthetically nice and I didn't like it when he tried to kiss me. It was more that he was nice to me when few others were (also I was 16 back then and he was 22 which suggests some power imbalance?) and I projected all my romantic ideals on him. Around that time I even talked to a therapist about my feelings for him and she was concerned I was confusing friendship with romance but I completely dismissed her input. I realized the feelings were completely asexual a while back but I still thought I could have been romantically attracted to him (and hence, men in general).

It is quite embarrassing to admit it was an illusion? Also, if I really was "delusional", how do I know for sure I'm not "delusional" now as well?

When I look back at my teenage years, I have always felt a fascination with gay people. I read (I still do) many novels featuring gay/lesbian people because I prefer them over heterosexual romance. I also had strong feelings about gay rights and even have given a presentation about same-sex marriage, without ever fully realizing I was one of the gay people I talked/read about. Is this even possible?

When I was in my first year at high school I was bullied by some popular girls about my sexuality, i.e. they constantly and teasingly asked me which boy I liked and eventually I made up crushes on boys. I even pretended I had a boyfriend (an imaginary person). Could this have been the cause of my subconscious denial? (Besides, each time someone started talking about lgbt issues I felt really weird: dizzy, heart beating faster, etc., like some kind of anxiety attack.)

I guess I'm relieved that I'm where I am now, but a part of me is still afraid it is not real and I have to go back to empty thoughts about men. What if I never fall in love with a girl again and have to realize I'm living in an illusion again? Besides, I have some concerns about the empty thoughts about abstract men. Sometimes I still do have them and they make me feel fake.. I especially have them when I'm feeling anxious like they are feeding on negative feelings. Can I see this as a sign they are not real and I can ignore them?

Are these feelings normal? Can someone relate to them?

Many thanks in advance for reading this.

 

@ GarbageKnight: Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It gives me hope, so yes, it is quite helpful!

I understand what you mean with your subconscious trying to tell you something. One year ago, I had a really special dream in which I kind of met myself. Only it was somehow a better and more feminine version of myself. She touched my hand and showed me "the dairy of my life" and then told me I was a lesbian. I think it was my subconscious showing me a glimpse of who I truly am / can be.

It always felt like an ideal out of my reach but I think I'm much closer now and I can actually feel and see it in my life. I haven't yet a concrete experience with another girl though. I'm also socially awkward so I don't expect it to happen any time soon but who knows what the future will bring.