Mellie has crashed and burned.

Tbh the thing with your kids would be enough forme to end it. The rest? Oh no. Time to cut your losses and find yourself.

 

I'm with Shadows, Caps, Chip, and inamirror -- and anyone else who voiced similarly.

I don't mean to be so honest (but also do), but this chick sounds extremely immature, despite any possible emotional issues she may have.

First and foremost, do not be with anyone who lacks interest in your children, of any kind. Even at a young age, they will pick up on it immediately, and TOTALLY resent you. Not her - YOU. I've got some experience in this, and I was an adult, so I could look past and get over it for the most part, but it still makes me wonder things about my parent and their judgement.

Second, that's such bull that you can do all this heavy lifting and she can do none. You're balancing a million things -- give me a break.

Third, I haven't been in a relationship with a woman yet, but let me tell you, I'd never deal with anyone who was so non-communicative. You're wondering if that's how it is, and it's an unhealthy co-dependednt relationship between women, and a guessing game where you've got some kind of lesbian mind reading talent that hallmark relationships between women? NOOOOO. I'm all about open communication. I don't think relationships can live if one person refuses to say what they're feeling, or holds it back until it's at a point where the other is going nuts trying to figure it out. That's plain old immaturity. Seriously. Run for the hills.

You deserve a lot better than this, and you know you do. Being blunt, but who cares if you told her that you'd stick around even though she's had shitty relationships so she has 'trust' issues, or some other bull. I agree with whoever quoted you saying that, remarking that it was "telling." I've had shitty relationships where we didn't stay together, and so have many others. I wouldn't ever ask someone to promise they'd never leave me because of that, mainly because it sounds super awkward. So I also agree with whoever said that you should really watch out for this type of language, because it is fairly characteristic of being groomed by someone who may be emotionally abusive. In fact, even if it's not completely solid or overt in nature, by punishing you with the silent treatment, making you feel bad, making you crawl on glass to say sorry once you've figured out what you've "done" is emotionally abusive already, in my opinion.

Just go and find someone who is compatible to you and your life. People like this are not worth the time and energy. There are sooo many others out there. Maybe focus on you for a bit?? It's ridiculous to add her issues to your plate that sounds like it's almost running over. You've already got two children you need to take care of ... no sense in adding a third.

BYE, FELICIA.

 

Mell-bell--

I'm a true lurker. I've been an out lesbian since college--back when it wasn't cool-- and later on I tried to kid myself by getting engaged to the most perfect wonderful investment banker cute guy ever. However--months before the wedding I gave back my ring designed by a major jeweler and called my parents to let them know I would never be dating guys again. So--I've thought about this a number of times. The type of relationship you're describing doesn't describe lesbianism-- but it can be a real part of it. I remember wanting to get married to a guy simply because I thought being a lesbian proved I hadn't grown up because the teenage-like intensity, jealousy, resentment I experienced with my college gfs scared the sh*t out of me.

In medical school I fell in love with the mother of my child-- and though we didn't last--our daughter remains our biggest accomplishment--and at age 12 she looks at me like I'm crazy if I tell her she's lucky her friends accept that she has two moms. That's what real life is like in certain areas of the US right now. We are ordinary. My gf-ex and I had an ordinary break up for ordinary reasons-- and are still great co-parents and consider each other family. You and your husband will always be family if you keep the loving respect I think you have for him as a parent at the very least.

Anyway. What I want to say and impart is that (first) I am about as lesbian as you can get--especially in this questioning crowd. Even so--I think of myself first as a mom and a doctor.

And (second)--most importantly-- for heavens sake--NO-- what's going on is a lot more common between two women--but ABSOLUTELY NOT worth pursuing and not what lesbianism is. No friends, no interests? It sounds like she might still be closeted--if not closeted then maybe feeling shameful (religion, parents, family, self) about who she is. The drama between the two of you makes her feel needed, "worth it" , loveable. But you know this. And you also know you will never be able to be enough for her unless she does the work herself.

This blog has been a soap opera for me.

(For the first time in my life I had gotten involved with a straight woman--married with kids no less--and was very confused about the coming out process and found this sight--and it helped)

But you are part of the soap opera and as a bona fide (if not gold star) lesbian-- with no questions about my sexuality or my life choices--and as someone who has been out her whole lesbian life--advice from me? I learned quickly that those who aren't out or who don't accept themselves or think they are worth less tend to create shame and humiliation for you (why didn't you, couldn't you, if only you, you used to .... etc). That's the drama.

Why does a part of that feel so good when it mainly makes you feel so bad? I don't know. But it's not my definition of lesbian relationships and shouldn't be yours.

Best wishes

 

Also -- I want to add that, when you're feeling things that are overwhelming because they're what you were missing before and always wanted, your logic can completely shut down. I think you know where I'm headed here...but just remember agonizing over Trigger and how hard that was for so long. I let my Trigger treat me in ways I'd never allow, because I thought, "oh, she's a girl...I just don't know how to play these games." I even repeatedly said that I'd never let a GUY treat me like this. I'd know what was going on right away. Now that I'm over Trigger and see how ridiculous and emotionally unstable she was, I can confidently say that I'd never allow that again. What is this ridiculous notion that women play games?? You know what? I don't play games, never have, don't see myself ever doing it...so why should I think that it's acceptable in the person I'm supposed to have a relationship with? It's not.

Everyone's got their issues, everyone deserves love, blah blah blah -- but a month in? You deserve sanity, too. Imagine what you'd tell me if this was flipped.

 

When I said this is "crazymaking" I didn't mean to imply the gal is mentally ill. She may be, but she might just be very emotionally needy.

This goes on in hetero relationships too, of course.

I'm not sure I would run for the hills just yet. I'm someone who suggests trying to work things out, but you can't fix this yourself. She needs to be a willing participant and realize what needs fixing and why.

 

Hey Mellie.

It seems that your relationship is not working. But while I agree with everyone who encourages you to end it, I would suggest to kindly consider not ending your friendship, too. I mean, I understand the natural urge to run for one´s life, but this woman is in a difficult position and in need of help, too. Do not over-invest yourself, but do not abandon her either. Talk to her openly about your concerns. Remind her of your huge responsibilities, invite her to meet your kids (as a friend if nothing more), ask her to drive to your neighborhood half the times you meet ( a weekly or monthly activity would be great) or even help you out with some stuff (the painting thing would be awesome for bonding). Since she is on medication, I suppose that she sees a therapist, too. Suggest that she discusses your relationship/friendship with them, so that they can help with this situation.

(*hug*)

 

Oh sweetie! I'm so sorry to hear this! I think you have two options here:
1) Cut your losses and keep looking. You WILL find someone else you click with.
2) Set some really strict ground rules about this type of behavior and leave if she can't stick to them.

You absolutely shouldn't be dealing with this kind of drama from her, when you have a lot on your plate on your own. Seriously, if she doesn't have anything else going on, she should be coming down to you (at least half the time). It sounds like she isn't secure enough in herself to let you have your other relationships in your life.

But you seem like a person who likes to have other people around. You seem friendly and bubbly (at least on here), and I can imagine that it's hard for her to see you having fun with other people if she's home by herself. She can either find something to do to be less lonely, or she needs to at least realize that it's normal for people to have other close friends.

(*hug*)

 

I'm sorry Mellie. This is a hard place to be. My Trigger has been very patient and kind through all this, and has always said she is very anxious to meet my children and try to have a relationship with them when I feel it is appropriate to do so. I was very touched by that and she said they are a part of me and important to me and she loves me so how can she not want to love them, to not want to try even if they hate her? I can't imagine telling someone I don't like kids and imply I am unwilling to try and like his or hers if I was wanting to be in a relationship with the person. I told my Trigger she was not expected to be involved in their lives especially at first when everything would still be raw, but she thinks my saying that is ridiculous. She wants to love all of me, good and bad, and with kids and an ex husband that I will still have some kind of relationship with. I would be hurt if she would reject my kids, and it would be hard for me to justify disrupting my current life for that and I have enough guilt to deal with. I don't think that right now your friend is a good match for you. Maybe in the future, but she's too much for you to handle and still have enough for yourself right now. Be kind to yourself Mellie. Hugs!