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Age gap/sexual relationship

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by ECMember, Jan 8, 2016.

  1. ECMember

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    I don't know if this is the right area to post this, but I just have a question.

    I don't know if it's so important about the age gap in a sexual relationship. I'm still a virgin and yeah people at times have gave me shit over it, but I could give a rat's ass about it. I'm 24 and bi curious. I've somewhat put the pursuit of relationship seeking with women on pause and somewhat turn my attention to experimenting/making dating with mostly straight bi/bi curious guys.

    I've talked a bit here on the board about a strong preference for White guys, 18-21, youngish looking, blonde, middle to upper class.

    I don't experimenting with guys that fit my preference.

    The question I have is, is age gap a big deal or not in a sexual relationship.

    I'm 24 and if were to have casual sex with a guy 18-19, does it seem "odd" per se.

    I mean, it's okay as long everyone is on board and "legal"(18+ or whatever the consent age is).

    I mean I would like to experiment with a younger guy 18-20 if I found one that fits my preferences because I just don't want to place myself with someone I don't feel any attraction to.
     
  2. ThatRangerGirl

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    It's perfectly okay! My parents are ten years apart. My mom was 19 and my dad was 29 when he first fell for her. So I say go for it.
     
  3. art3mis

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    I think 5-6 years isn't even a big age gap. And even if the gap is bigger, there is nothing wrong with it, as long as it happens consensually.
     
  4. poopledum

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    I think you tend to find that most age gaps in marriages are a bot larger than that. Look at Ellen and Portia. It also depends on the maturity levels of each person I suppose.
     
  5. ECMember

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    The chances of me finding a guy that fits my fantasy seems like 5%. I mean, if ever does happen that would be sort of cool.

    The thought of living a classy lifestyle in South Cali and living in some upscale bi chic life doesn't seem bad.
     
  6. Chip

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    A three year age gap at your age (24 vs 21) is likely pretty workable. So much comes down in these situations to your relative maturity and life experience levels.

    While there are still likely some significant differences, things are close enough that it could be workable. Now... of course, if you have a 21 year old who isn't at all emotionally mature, has never lived on his own, and in many ways acts a lot younger, then it could be more problematic. But in general, that sort of gap at that age is often workable.

    5 or 6 years *older* at 24 also wouldn't be a huge problem, but at 21 it would more likely be. It all has to do with emotional and social development, financial issues, and balance of power between the people.

    The 10 year age difference one poster alluded to... would be very, very rare for that to be healthy at 19 and 29 for the reasons alluded to above.
     
  7. Sky82

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    I had a 3 year relationship with some who is 24 years old than me, when wet met I was 19 they were 43. We had an awesome relationship until I had to move away for uni. As long as you like the person, age means nothing as long as you are both on the same page. Hardest part is being on the same page.
     
  8. thepandaboss

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    You all have to be on the same page. I admit that I've always had a thing for partners who were older than me. Call it daddy issues, call it a Mrs. Robinson complex or whatever you'd like but I've never slept with a partner who wasn't at least six years older than me.

    For example, I lost my virginity when I was about 19 years old to a man in his mid to late 40s. He was about as old as my mother. To me, a 5 year age gap seems downright small (and in fact, my parents are about 6 years apart).

    Current boyfriend is about 13 years older than me.

    It depends a lot on who's in the relationship. And there are clear generational differences if the age gap is especially large. For example, back in the 90s, my boyfriend was going through high school while I was watching Magic School Bus and learning to walk (I just realized how weird that sounds). If you want to be successful, you're going to have to keep these in mind all while respecting each other and ensuring the relationship is mutual.

    No picking up sugar babies, is what I'm saying.
     
  9. Chip

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    Sorry, but if this were truly an emotional healthy and balanced relationship, it would be something like 1 in 10000 (statistic pulled out of my ass, but you get the point), and it's incredibly irresponsible to imply that age isn't a factor in most cases.

    I won't deny that large age gaps are not uncommon among lesbian relationships, but there's also a lot to indicate that most of these age-gap relationships are horribly imbalanced with one member exerting considerably more power and control over the other in a variety of ways. Not only is there extensive anecdotal and some clinical data to support this, but there's plenty of threads here on EC that support it as well.

    I'm not judging your particular relationship... it may well have been balanced, non-codependent, with no unhealthy influences whatsoever. But if it was, it was, statistically speaking, a major outlier.
     
  10. BryanM

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    I have to agree with everything Chip has said so far. For the most part, as long as the participants in a relationship are near the same phase of life and there's not a major power imbalance going on, an age gap of a few years probably isn't going to hurt. As Chip said though, in most (not all) relationships that have a 10+ year age gap with one participant being in their late teens or very early twenties can be very unhealthy. We're not saying that any individual's relationship in this thread is flawed, it just happens to be if that it isn't, it's an outlier and it's very important for the younger person in the relationship to stay vigilant and check for any power imbalances.
     
  11. Spartan 117

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    Just to clarify, the OP in this thread is 24 and is asking our advice on whether he should enter into a casual sex relationship with a 18-20 year old.

    While this may not seem like the biggest age gap in the world, I would be cautious. It's understandable that some people feel attracted to younger and older people for various physical and emotional reasons, often the reality does not live up to the 'fantasy'.

    It's always more advisable to seek someone out who has the same level of emotional maturity as you - even for a purely sexual relationship. This can be best accomplished, in my opinion, by looking at your own age group.

    While I appreciate every relationship has different circumstances, Chip is quite right to point out that big age gaps can also cause a power imbalance in a relationship. There are those that deliberately seek out these relationships because of that power imbalance (ie. they want to relinquish control and be looked after, or they need someone to 'look after') - but this often hints at underlying issues, and is an unhealthy foundation for a relationship.
     
  12. Sky82

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    What I was trying to say but done it very badly lol. Is, if it feels right for you and you want to have sexual relations with someone younger. They do it. We spend too much time worrying what other people think or what's right in their eyes. As long as its legal and safe, enjoy yourself. Everyone has an opinion and more often than enough is different from other people, doesn't mean it wrong, it just an opinion and everyone is entitled to them. At the end of the day you need to dig deep inside yourself and figure out what you want, not what other people advise.
     
  13. Chip

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    Again, healthy people don't just operate on "if it feels good, do it". Considering other factors is important.

    If you're 45 and find yourself attracted to someone 19... it's always worth looking at what's going on, because usually, something is wrong. Perhaps it's an attempt to recapture lost youth, or yearning for someone to take care of, or something else... but none of those are healthy motivations for having a relationship with someone young enough to be your kid.

    In hookups in these situations, the younger person is likely to end up feeling used, hurt, dirty, or worse. (At least to what we commonly see discussed here on EC, as well as other common experiences I've heard described.)

    In relationships, it's nearly impossible for the younger person to perceive the older one as an equal. Even if it starts out perceptually that way (which is highly unlikely), it's all but impossible to maintain because of the inherent imbalance of power (money, career security, housing, life experience, a whole variety of factors.)

    This isn't about "opinions" or what other people think, or what's right in their eyes; it's about cultivating emotionally healthy relationships. While I agree that it's really important to dig inside oneself... it's also important to understand the filters and wounds and other factors we may have that influence the perceptions we have, and that's why the overly simple "just do it" is often a recipe for a really unhappy and potentially harmful situation to develop.
     
  14. Mirko

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    The sentence I have highlighted is concerning, in addition to the idea of 'if you feel it is right, go for it.' In fact, I find it to be irresponsible for one to make such a statement because there is so much more to 'as long as it's legal and safe.'

    Yes, it needs to be legal and safe, but if you have large age gaps in a relationship, there are most likely other issues at play here, that are masked by the original feelings that one has for the far older or far younger person. Discounting the issues or casting them aside, and not even considering them before making such a statement, is problematic.

    If you just look at the life experiences of a 19 year old and 40+ year old, what do they have in common, in particular in terms of life experiences, that is sustainable and helps to build a healthy relationship?

    As for the OP's question, and as it has been said that while the age gap is not that problematic, however you do want to ask yourself about your motivations or why you want to have casual sex with someone who is 18/19 years old.
     
  15. Sky82

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    I respect what you're both saying, still don't agree but that's my choice. And if we do go back to the original question, is 5 or 6 years really that much of a difference. 24 and 19 isn't much of a difference.
    And Chip, Mirko I've been in a relationship with a man who's nearly 50 I'm 33 and we've been together since I was 22. We have a stable loving relationship and yes its equal. We have spent many of those years in a triad relationship but our third left and left us heartbroken she was also older. Guys I have always gone for your older people simply cause I have always been a more mature than my years and have never been able to stick with someone my own age. But it comes down to what's right for the person. And that's what I mean when you have to dig deep. Find out what you want, what works for you and embrace it. We as LGBT people spend too many years being told what's right and wrong for us. Are we not fighting to be able to be who we want to be and be honest to ourselves. We can't tell someone if its right or wrong to be with someone younger or older all we can do is support what they decide what's right for them and help them through their feelings as they get to decide what their heart wants.

    ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2016 at 07:01 AM ----------

    What you both say does highlight things that can go wrong but those things can go wrong ever with two people who are the same age. My understanding of helping someone is to highlight the pros and the cons and then its upto them to take that info and decide what they want. So I'm not arguing with you or saying what you say is wrong, all I'm doing is highlighting the pros. And the fact I don't agree with you is because I have dug deep and Found what I truly want out of a relationship. We are all different, its what makes life so interesting :slight_smile:

    On a completely different note. I love how supportive you are, shows you're both fabulous men.
     
  16. Hopeful

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    I don't think 19-24 is that big of a difference but I would be cautious just the same. Even though it's five years, you're probably at different points in your life: one just finished high school not long ago, the other done with college if you went - and if not, you've been in the adult world longer.

    I do know someone who is 22 and dating a 43 year old. She claims she's happy even though he's old enough to be her dad but I just don't understand it. I know it works for some people - I just wouldn't be comfortable with that.
     
  17. Chip

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    24 and 19 is an ENORMOUS difference in terms of social and psychological development. You're welcomed to your opinion and your experience (which is the exception, not the rule) but it is not OK to continue to promote the validity of age-gap relationships as emotionally healthy, as there really isn't much controversy among those who study them; the overwhelming majority of them have a lot of very unhealthy attributes. They may function in a dysfunctional way, and often the people in them believe they're perfectly fine... until they get out of them, have the insight that comes of distance, and see just how fucked up the relationship really was. There are dozens, probably more, such threads here on EC, and voluminous information to that effect elsewhere.

    Again, you're entitled to your opinion, but this is not something that is OK to promote as ok or appropriate to young, vulnerable members.
     
  18. Van

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    I think 5 years is nothing, you're pretty much still in the same age group. 19-24 seems perfectly fine.



    P.S. Everyone knows what feels right to them and no one should tell them that just because someone is, say, 23 and their partner is, for example, 47 their relationship is not valid and emotionally unhealthy and can't work out. Like, seriously... you can't tell people who they can and can't be with. If two consenting adults enjoy the time they spend together, then their relationship is just as valid and healthy as it can be.
     
    #18 Van, Jan 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2016
  19. the lone wolf

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    While I agree that people shouldn't be told what they can and cannot be without a lot of insight, I'd have to disagree with the notion of "Everyone knows what feels right to them"
    It's not uncommon for issues to arise from merely following said feelings.
    I'm not advocating that no big age gap relationship is ever successful, but at the same time, many aren't.
     
  20. Chip

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    Again, from everything we know from the study of relationships, from the emotional, psychological, and developmental stages of life, there's an enormous difference between a 19 and a 24 year old. They are not in the same age group, so please don't pull stuff out of your ass if you don't know what you're talking about.

    While that might be technically true, "feels right" isn't the same as "is a good choice." I'm told that heroin feels marvelous; that doesn't mean anyone should ever do it, because the risk of lifetime addiction, harm, and death is enormously high. It's not quite as severe with relationships, but there's still a lot of emotional harm that can happen. There are lots and lots of cases on record of, say, a 10 year old being abused by a 25 year old and at the time, the 10 year old is convinced that s/he is enjoying it and OK with it and everything is fine... it is only later after the situation is over that s/he realizes how manipulative and abusive the older person was.

    The same is very often true with people up to their mid-20s and older people. Often, the younger person has been lacking something (a parental figure, appropriate love and nurturing, various other important aspects of child rearing) that they inappropriately project onto the older person. This results in an unhealthy attraction that is more parental than a normal, healthy, appropriate relationship. But again, the younger person won't realize this because s/he is attempting to fill a need that's missing from his/her upbringing.

    None of this is to say that people absolutely cannot be in older/younger relationships, or that 100% of them are unhealthy. What it is saying is that in an overwhelming majority of cases, these relationships are unhealthy, that most of the time the younger person doesn't realize that they are at the time, and only later, after the relationship ends, do they begin to see how unhealthy and often abusive it was. And at that point, there's a lot of anger and grieving and loss, and often the younger person is even more hurt and emotionally damaged than s/he was at the outset.

    Again, there are exceptions, but they are rare. So again, please don't generalize your own experience and tell others that it's just fine, that they should just "go with what feels right" or anything similar. The more we understand ourselves, the wounds we may carry from childhood, and how those things impact the filters through which we view attraction, the more likely it is that we can find healthy partners.