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Am I demisexual if...?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lonelyjamie, Jan 4, 2016.

  1. lonelyjamie

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    Hi,

    Recently I readed some articles about demisexuality and I think that maybe I am demisexual but I'm not sure about it because of some sexual fantasies I have. As an example I masturbate while imagining me having a threesome with some hot guys in my college. I wouldn't do this in real life but in my head it feels so amazing. That's why I'm confused whether I am demisexual or not. Can someone help me with this question? Am I demisexual if I have these fantasies?

    (Sorry about any English mistakes, I'm still learning)

    Lots of love,
    - Jamie
     
  2. Chip

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    The entire concept of demisexuality is not one that's accepted by much of anyone credible in the field of sexuality study (therapists, researchers, sexologists.) Basicallly, it's a term popularized by a tiny group of people that defines what is, according to everyone else, a normal part of the ordinary spectrum of human sexual attraction.

    Additionally, the masturbatory fantasy of having a threesome would not in any way be consistent with even the (completely unsupported and nearly impossible to pin down) definition of demisexuality used by the tiny group of people that made it up.

    Basically, lots of people create masturbatory fantasies that they'd never carry out. In this case, at least in my opinion, these fantasies have no impact whatsoever on how you define your sexual orientation.
     
  3. YuriBunny

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    I don't think your fantasies are necessarily relevant to your real life preferences.
     
  4. hiddenxrainbows

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    First off, it's not very fair to say negative things about demisexuality and blow it off as something everyone experiences. People used to say that homosexuality was just fake too, something evil and made up when someone was sexually abused or raised without both parents. But that's obviously not true.

    Most people experience sexual attraction to others, even if the others are strangers who the have no emotional attachment too. A lot of people have had one night stands and no-emotional-strings attached relationships. If they have sexual attraction to someone they have no emotional attractment to, then I would bet they're not demisexual. Demisexual means that someone doesn't have sexual attraction towards anyone until they have an emotional attachment to the person. Of course, a lot of people want long-term relationships where they love one person and have sex with only one person. A lot of people like being emotionally attached to someone to have sex with them. But a lot of people still have sexual attraction to others, even without emotional attachment. Sexual attraction isn't something that can be stopped; it's an unconscious thing. Some people just don't have sexual attraction until they care for someone. That doesn't mean that the people who do have sexual attraction towards strangers and such are worse than people who don't. Everyonr is just hardwired differently.

    It might sound crazy to some people, but some people really do not have sexual attraction to people until there's an emotional bond between them. But anyway, people are still allowed to identify how they want, even if not everyone believes in their identity.

    Like previously said, I don't think fantasies or masturbation have extreme relevance to everything. A lot of people have rape fantasies, but they wouldn't actually want to rape someone or be raped. Just like a lot of people watch gay pron, but not all of them are gay. I'd say you can identify as however you want. You might want to look at how your sexual attraction is, though. Are you sexually attracted to a lot of people? Do you have emotional attaction to them, or none at all? If you have a lot of sexual attraction without emotional bonds to the people, you might be demisexual.
     
  5. YuriBunny

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    Is this sentence worded incorrectly? It's the other way around, right?
     
  6. Chip

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    I so love it when somebody dredges up the old, tired, and completely inaccurate comparison with homosexuality.

    Here's the difference: Sexuality wasn't studied hardly at all until Kinsey in the 1940s, and serious study with multiple researchers didn't start until Masters and Johnson's pioneering work in the late 1960s. Since then, the field has exploded with thousands of studies looking at attraction, arousal, intimacy, connection, and pretty much every other aspect of human interaction. This has been exhaustively studied. If demisexuality was truly a measurable trait, noticeably separate from other orientations, it would long since have shown up in the various studies looking at attraction and arousal. It has not... at least, not in any credible study I've seen.

    Plenty of people feel limited sexual attraction to others initially. And plenty of people feel strong attraction initially. Some people have meaningless sex with no emotional connection. Others only have sex with people they are deeply connected to. Some people feel an immediate sense of connection when they meet "the right person", for others it takes some time.

    All of these things are within the realm of normal sexual expression. There's nothing special, unique, unusual, or outside the norm about not feeling attraction until you get to know someone; if there were, it would likely be about half of the population.

    Furthermore, to the extent that arousal and attraction vary, often these variances are not hardwired; they are, in fact, mediated by factors such as the presence of anxiety or depression, stress, prescription medication, and various other factors, and one's level of attraction and arousal (and "crushes") can vary astronomically based on these and other factors. It's generally not a hardwired trait.

    People are welcomed to label themselves demisexual if it is helpful to them. Hell, people can label themselves unicornsexual if they want to do so.

    But if we're going to provide accurate information based on wide acceptance and study by professionals in the field, there isn't any real argument among credible professionals as to demisexuality. Its only acceptance is among a tiny fringe of people who created the term and have no science, study, or anything other than crowdsourced groupthink to justify its existence.

    And again, the OP's situation in no way matches the arousal patterns that are used to describe demisexuality.
     
  7. hiddenxrainbows

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    Yes, I did word that wrong. I meant WITH emotional bonds, not without.


    We still don't fully understand how the brain or the body works. We've been studying depression and similar disorders for years, and we STILL don't completely understand those. We don't have a cure for the common cold. It is extremely presumptuous to assume that we know everything there is to know about something as complicated as sexuality.

    And people don't pick a word to call themselves to be special. That's not why demisexuality exists. It's just something that makes sense to some people.
     
    #7 hiddenxrainbows, Jan 5, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2016
  8. lilgoldfish

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    If these guys at your college are ones that you have a strong emotional bond with, that's absolutely possible. Keep in mind that an "emotional bond" doesn't strictly apply to friendships, but also to strong work relationships/educational relationship/etc.
     
  9. lonelyjamie

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    It seems that I created a huge discussion here, thank you guys for sharing your thoughts with me. I'll think more about it, this "demisexuality" thing is really new to me and I need more time to think about it.

    And replying to lilgoldfish: No, I don't have an emotional bond with them, I don't even talk with them, they just turn me on for some reason.
     
  10. darkcomesoon

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    If you're turned on / attracted to people you don't have a strong emotional bond with, you're not demisexual.
     
  11. Chip

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    I'm not saying we know everything. I'm saying that, based on the best research of just about every credible in the field, there's zero evidence that what is described as demisexuality is anything other than a characteristic that matches a very large portion of the population.

    And far be it from me to tell anyone they aren't entitled to label themselves anything they want to, including, as I think I mentioned above, unicornsexuality or moon gender, if that genuinely speaks to them.

    I'm only saying, if we're going to provide accurate information to people about labels and identities, that information ought to be grounded in something on which to base it. At present, there isn't anything credible (other than a tiny group of people that have come together and decided it exists) to ground demisexuality. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist, but, it also does not mean that it does exist, and it's doing a disservice to people who are trying to figure themselves out to not honestly disclose the facts based on current thinking by the overwhelming majority of professionals, researchers, and clinicians in the field. People who want to disregard scientific thought and study and choose labels that work for them are more than welcomed to do so.
     
  12. LooseMoose

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    I agree with Chip on demisexuality.

    It is a normal expression of human sexuality and not a separate orientation, it is just how some humans experience attraction. The description is mostly accurate in my case as well, but I would not go as far as trying to build a separate identity around that, it describes the *way* I relate to people, rather than *who* I am attracted to. My orientation pertains to who I am attracted to, and in my case it is women.

    I actually think that making demisexuality into a separate orientation/identity is not a great idea, because it essentially makes it into something 'different' from what is understood as mainstream sexuality.

    It limits the 'standard' sexuality to the hyper-sexualised, instant turn-on, instant 'want to sleep with you' type of sexuality, and makes the 'I need to get to know people first, and have an emotional bond with them before desiring them physically" kind of sexuality 'different', 'odd', and 'non-standard'. It's ar*e backwards.

    People need bonds other than simply those based on instant pure sexual desire- we need friendships, romance, getting to know people etc, it is not 'a special case' to want all that.
     
    #12 LooseMoose, Jan 8, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2016
  13. Linus

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    I'm not gonna argue with science Chip, But reading this it occurred to me that if I identified as "Demisexual", I'd find this remark both very offensive and confusing.

    Along with what other people are saying, the realm of science is very unexplored. Due to this, Everyone can be entitled to different beliefs. I understand that there's evidence against Demisexuality, but at best that evidence only covers 99.9% of the whole. And there are 7 billion people in the world.

    Adults might not believe in unicorns and scientists might not believe in demisexuality. But not all adults are scientists and not all scientists are adults, if that makes sense.
    People should be able to believe what they want, and not be ridiculed by science. Science can be wrong, after all.

    That's just my view point. I'm not really taking a side; I just like to keep an open mind.