Clarity on my childhood - a solid theory

Absolutely! I think it's hard to hear people say "I knew from a very young age." or when a well-intentioned cousin says "I just don't understand how you didn't know before now..."

But like you, I didn't know until very recently that my sexual attraction is towards same sex partners. Relationships with the opposite sex was the standard. Sure, I was more in the middle of the feminine - masculine scale of style/interests. (ie- liked power tools, loved make up, hated sports, hated dresses) but dating boys seemed to be my default. It was still exciting, I still cared for the guys I dated. I just felt like I had some not-stereotypically-female interests and mostly guy friends.

So I knew I didn't fit in with typical girls, but I didn't realize anything about my sexuality until well into adulthood because it just didn't really seem like an option.

In hindsight, though, the amount of signs is bewildering!!

 

No, I didn't know. I probably should have known, but I wasn't in touch with myself enough when I was young, and I just my brushed my female infatuations off as insignificant. It didn't fit the narrative I was taught, so I didn't consider it. I guess I had a sense that I was different, but I never really talked about it to anyone, so I just assumed that all girls had these thoughts, and that it didn't mean anything.

So I ignored it and followed the "accepted" life trajectory...got married, house in the burbs, etc...and then didn't understand why it all felt so...off. Like I was wearing the wrong set of clothes or something. Then I met her, and the light bulb went on. And I was like, oh...

 

Bibliovian's last point really hits home: in hindsight the amount of clues were staggering. I've spent a lot of time pondering "why didn't I know?" and to this day the only reason I can give is repression because of wanting to fit in and be "normal." I think if being LGBT were far more respected, normalized, and taught in school, we'd have FAR fewer cases of people like us not figuring it out until well after puberty (especially back then).

 

"I didn't know I was different, I just knew I didn't fit in."

Pretty much same here. I had a few friends but I just never really fit in with any of them. But I didn't know why.
In retrospect everything seems pretty clear but growing up I think it just wasn't an option for me/ didn't think about that option. I didn't know any gay people, there were hardly/none gay characters on TV etc.
At least I know now but I am still kind of jealous of people who just knew...

 

There were so many reasons to avoid seeing the obvious given the amount of homophobia and negative perceptions surrounding LGBT. Whether someone knew, and avoided it because of the negativity, simply ignored it, or did not see it, is probably not really relevant; and it is completely understandable under the circumstances.

Is it hard to admit that a lie was being lived? Yes it is very difficult to accept that. Should there be guilt or regret associated with doing so? Absolutely not. People use defensive mechanism when they feel they are under threat. Living in an unaccepting world is such threat and requires such defensive measures.

Did you miss the signs? Maybe. So be it. The good news is you are now coming to terms with your authentic self and have embarked on the journey for authenticity.

 

Pretty much the same here: I knew I didn't fit in, but I couldn't say why. In part, this is because growing up in England in the 70s and early 80s, homosexuality didn't exist! Not in my cosy little suburban middle class world, it didn't, anyway. So I had no idea that such things did exist. Maybe if my upbringing hadn't been so sheltered I would have made sense of things earlier.

 

I knew from the time I was around 4 but being a "faggot" in rural Louisiana was not an option when I reached adolescence in the mid-1980s. Here's how I kind of summed it up after the SCOTUS decision this past summer:

marriage equality and me

it's like being 25 years into a straight screenplay and suddenly having the option of an alternate ending on page 204 that you couldn't have imagined when you started writing the script

 

The idea of not fitting in resonates more with me than knowing that I was gay when I was younger. In hindsight, the gay signals to my brain where there when I was younger, but I did not know how to interpret them properly because I grew up with no gay role models. For example I had no interest in girls. My interpretation is that I was focused on academics and didn't have time for them. I was envious of guys who dated girls; I actually thought the guys were cute and wanted the guys. If only I had a time machine ...

 

Apologies - A table format would better convey this information.

Signal (Then) : I had no interest in girls.
Interp (Then) : I was focused on academics and didn't have time for girls.
Interp (Today): ride:

Signal (Then) : I was envious of guys who dated girls.
Interp (Then) : I was focused on academics, and I'll start dating girls when I get to college.
Interp (Today): I was envious of the girl because I actually thought her BF was cute and I wanted to date him ride:

 

This topic has always been one I have been very passionate about. When did you "truly" know you were gay.

And while I would say my whole life, thats not quite the truth. How SiennaFire puts it is really accurate.

Growing up I used to fantasize that I would kiss a boy classmate. But I was too busy being a kid to understand what was happening.

When I was 10 I felt my very first crush on a boy. We were super close, and every recess we would go off by ourselves and play. Sometimes we'd even skip going back in so we could keep talking/playing (we were so devious )

But even though I liked him a lot, and I even had dreams that we kissed, I never paid any attention to it. Again, I was a kid who wanted to play with his best friend. Love and sexuality had no place in the mind of a boy who wanted to climbs trees and play games.

Even as I got older, through sex-ed and all of that. I always knew I had no interest in girls. But again, I didn't care. I wanted to pass my classes, I wanted to hangout with friends.

It wasn't until I hit puberty at 17 (yes, I was an ultra late bloomer....) that I realized that my feelings were simply a part of me. And when I started to explore that is when I fully realized I was gay.

Looking back it was so clear! And looking back everyone knew about it too. But it just didn't matter. You had so many other things to focus on instead. And even now, being gay isn't who I am. I'm a writer working on my first novel, I'm passionate about music and cooking and I love my friends dearly. I love my partner, and the things we do together. I do think guys are undeniable attractive! But it doesn't define who I am.

 

I can relate to many of the responses here. I remember my first 'girl crush' on a woman when I was a 5-year-old, and I had crushes on women (mostly teachers) on and off throughout my high school years. Oddly, I never had crushes on girls my own age, and very rarely on guy. I never dated until after college. I was set up on a blind date with the man who would become my husband. He, like me, was a loner and only had gone on two dates with women before he met me. He proposed marriage after just two months; I accepted on the condition we wait a year and get to know each other.

By that time, I had stuffed any feelings for women away, assuming I had just 'admired' these women and wanted to be like them, not that I actually had feelings for them. It wasn't until I ended up with a big crush on my best friend (and she told me she knew it and that I wore my heart on my sleeve)--that I seriously considered that I wasn't straight.

So, there can be a lot of denial and shame at work. In my case, I also lived in a small town, and didn't know any LGBT people. It was never a topic of conversation at our house, even though my parents are pretty liberal and open-minded. I definitely always felt 'different' than everyone else in my family, though, and felt like I should keep these crushes on women to myself.

 

I didn't really have the childhood friend crushes, a couple of bestest friends though, that one could make the argument they were crushes, perhaps. But nothing conscious.

I liked playing with boy and girl toys, and climbing trees, but again one could argue that's normal and the result of growing up in a rural area.

I don't think I'm self-aware enough yet (or ever perhaps) to have clarity on this particular subject.

 

Thanks for sharing the video. Troye is a charismatic chap.

The idea of wanting to fit and yielding to society's heteronormative pressures is a very powerful concept and certainly explains why we spend so much time in denial. We can discuss to what extent this applied to my situation in high school; however, it doesn't really matter to me at this point in my life. What matters to me is that I'm out and building an authentic life.

 

For me looking back on my childhood I loved hanging out with groups of guys, did not enjoy at all putting on makeup/shopping/clubbing when my girl friends started doing these things...rather with my girl friends I preferred one on one hang outs where we just talked and I am still like that too this day, I love a rowdy group of guys, and just basically one on one talks with girls...yet I ended up dating my guy friends and in turn ruining all my guy friendships in my life. I have had crushes on several girls including my best friend...yet somehow it just hit me a week ago that I super Bi leaning more towards the ladies at the moment.

 

I definitely had the feeling of not fitting it, though I suspect it has at least as much to do with my social awkwardness as it does with my sexuality. I felt it strongest in my teens - all my friends were into guys, and I simply didn't get it. On top of that, I was awkward around girls but had no idea why at the time.

I've often wondered why I was so late to figure out my sexuality. I think it came down to a bunch of different factors. I've always gone for more androgynous types, and growing up I really wasn't exposed to anyone outside the gender norms. All I knew was that I wasn't all that interested in guys, but I put that down to being a late bloomer.

I think a lot of it was also very much social pressure - being straight is the "default". If I'd been surrounded by LGBT role models, seen representations of gay relationships on TV, etc., I'm sure I would have been able to identify with it and figure myself out a lot quicker.