Don't know what to call myself

Like the title says I don't know what to call myself. I identify as a girl and go by female pronouns because that's what I'm used to you know? When I was 10 and 14 I tried to go by male pronouns and by a boy name but I didn't really take it seriously. Afterwards I went back to my real name and my female pronouns. Now that I'm older im back to thinking about and questioning this. To make this post a little easier I'll give you guys some backward information.

So I actually started wanting to be a boy when I was 10 years old. I remember trying to pee like a boy. I would take yogurt tubes like the go gurt tubes and cut it in half and tape it to the top of my privates. I would also take the tube and try to pee through it while standing up. I would sometimes use toilet paper rolls as well. I also remember praying to God and asking him to make me a boy in my sleep. I also would ask my grandma to call me Michael but that stopped as well. After awhile I stopped doing this.

When I turned 14 I went back to this. This time I wanted to take birth control pills to stop my period. There was also this other pill for that but I forget the name. Anyway, I also remember asking to be called Jaymony which was going to be my name if I was born a boy. Also asking for the male pronouns. But then all of this stopped.

Now I'm thinking about having top surgery to remove my breast completely but I'm not sure yet. I know that I definitely do not want my privates to be touched. I fine with my privates and would be uncomfortable with a penis. One of the reasons for this is because I want to be able to share my love with my girlfriend (when I get one) with female private parts but my chest flat. But sometimes I think about how it would be if I was to keep my chest. I don't know. I also know that I don't want to take anything that's gonna make my voice deep or give me hair on my face. Also I'm scared that my dad might beat me real bad if I was to get surgery and present myself as a boy. He definitely has a problem with me being gay so I know that he'll go the fuck off on me. It just scares me really bad.

Its like I want to be a boy but at the same time be a girl. Like have some male characteristics but still be a girl. I know that sounds confusing but its the truth.