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dying inside

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cheaterdad, Jan 3, 2016.

  1. cheaterdad

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    Hi, I am a married man of 13 years and I am not sure if I can do the straight life much longer. I have 2 kids and have been on a quest to get out of the marriage for months now. The wife insists it will crush her, I can't tell her I am attracted to men she is too religious. I am not sure if I want to be with guys or her but I am pretty sure it is not her. Any advice?
     
  2. Chiroptera

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    You said you are pretty sure that you aren't attracted to your wife and that things aren't going to work. Do you need more time to think about that or not? Don't rush anything, take a deep breath and relax if needed. Think more if you want.

    If you are already sure that your marriage isn't a good thing for you, in this case, as much as it isn't an easy thing to do, the best thing is to talk to your wife and decide what is the best thing to do and, if needed, break up.

    As i said, it isn't an easy thing, and it surely it is easier said than done. However, cheating or repress your feelings aren't honest or good things. Those would be bad not only for you, but for your wife and your kids too. In the long term, the best option is to be honest with her. Then, you can decide what is going to be your next step.

    In any way, coming here and having the courage to ask is a huge thing. Congratulations :slight_smile:

    We are here to help you in this process. Feel free to ask for our advice :slight_smile:
     
  3. Bluesteel

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    Not sure if I'm able to help much. But I just wanted to say I know exactly where you are coming from. I'm married with two kids. And just realized I'm gay a month ago. And I want to leave my wife so I can be happy. But it's obviously a tough situation. But like the person said before me just take your time. And make sure you work everything out, Before you make rash decisions. I know at times I just want to yell at the the world I'm GAY!!! But know there will be consequences, that I can minimize if I just take my time and think things through. There are a lot of great people on this website that are willing to help out. Best of luck (&&&)
     
  4. cheaterdad

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    Thanks Bluesteel, I was testing my sexually years ago prior to marriage, but thought I'd play straight and be fine. I'll tell you that I love my kids dearly, and care deeply about my wife, we have been together 19 years. I told her about one time with a guy before marriage and it crushed her, she married me anyways. Now I kinda wish she would have pushed me away, I want to be with guys more often nowadays. I chose my screen name because I am a cheat! I have been chatting and some fooling around while I am still married. I told her months ago I want a divorce and she is still determined that we can make it work, but I am not planning on coming out to her. Her family and her are very religious and don't believe in same sex relationships at all. I'm not sure what to do, I am still sexually active with her maybe once a month if I have to in order to make her happy. I'm not an aggressive guy so I try to avoid conflict with her but it is not easy. I'm so afraid of losing my life and not having anyone.
     
  5. Chiroptera

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    Hey again,

    These two parts are important.

    I don't need to go into detail here, as you probably already heard it, but cheating is wrong. Marriage is a a bond between two people that shouldn't be broken without talking to each other first.

    Your confusion + cheating is a very strong sign that your marriage isn't working and much probably isn't going to work in the future (unless you try a open marriage, but, apparently, your wife wasn't going to accept that, right?).

    You love your kids and care about your wife, and that's a really great thing. That's why it is, in my opinion, important to talk to her about all of this and break up if needed.

    I understand about avoiding conflict. I'm a really calm person too. But, unfortunatelly, in this case, honesty is needed, so both you and your wife can move on and be happy.

    In this situation, judging by your post, you aren't happy, your wife isn't happy (or is trying to pretend she is happy in fear of the end of the marriage). And if the parents aren't happy, that could end up influencing your kids too (especially if they are young).

    In resume: Honesty is the best option here. It isn't easy. In a short time, it is a really hard thing to do. But cheating isn't a good solution, and it only delays the biggest problem: You are in a relationship where you aren't happy.

    You need to solve this, by either finding a solution (like open marriage) with your wife or breaking up. In the long term, it will be better for everyone involved. You will be free to seek a relationship with a guy and be happy and your wife will be free to find another person too if she wants and be happier too. And if both parents are happy, it will be better for your kids too.
     
  6. cakepiecookie

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    You need to be honest with her about wanting to end the marriage. It certainly won't be easy, but it's unfair to both of you to go on like this. And if you're cheating on her then you're putting her health at risk as well, which is extremely unfair. The right thing to do would be to let her know you've slept with other people so that she can get tested.
     
  7. bingostring

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    Compare the above statement ... with the title you chose for the thread... "dying inside"

    It seems you feel you are damned if you do ... and damned if you don't.

    So ...isn't it time to take stock and make some clear evaluations?

    There may be no "right" decision. I guess a lot depends on the kids and how old they are (not sure if you said).

    Maybe some counselling would help you get all your thoughts crystallised and then you will be less paralysed about making a "wrong" decision?
     
  8. cheaterdad

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    My wife will never accept an open marriage, like I said before she is very religious.
    My kids are young 8 & 10.

    I find myself avoiding the wife by shying away from affection and avoiding the bedroom as much as possible except for sleeping. I am becoming an emotional wreck.

    ---------- Post added 6th Jan 2016 at 02:37 PM ----------

    Are there counselor suggestions somewhere in the site?
     
  9. BimarriedMike

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    The only thing I can offer is that it sounds like the only reason you are hesitating is because you are worried about your wife's feelings and her reaction. Totally understandable cuz you may not be in love with her, but you do care for/love her. However, I've learned I can't worry about other people's reactions when your happiness is at stake...it's called co-dependency.

    There's no easy way to something than through...so no one on here can make your decision easier...which I'm sure you get.

    It's also tough because of religion and that can really screw with someone's mind...but she's got to walk that path on her own. It will also be tough on the kids with religion involved, so I feel for ya. All I can share is my knowledge and everything I hear about being healthy is being honest and if you have a God/Higher Power...trust him for the outcome.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  10. cheaterdad

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    I do worry about hurting my wife and children, one kid has a medical issue and we are always monitoring things with that child. It keeps us worn down and quite honestly always on watch. It makes me anxious to think about leaving.
     
  11. Chiroptera

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  12. BimarriedMike

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    That makes it much more difficult. My son had cancer (he's fine now) but the thought of having to deal with what you are trying to handle on top of a sick kid is really tough. For what it's worth, I have a pretty good idea of what you are dealing with. If you have a faith, depend on God and keep reaching out for support. A professional counselor might help. Blessings.
     
  13. cheaterdad

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    Thanks BiMarriedMike, my kid doesn't have cancer but it is a life long manageable disease but being young it is very much the parents duty to be the dr. We lose a lot of sleep and take turns about over who pulls the late checks, I worry about it being too much for her if I move out.

    ---------- Post added 7th Jan 2016 at 09:39 AM ----------

    Ad for the religious beliefs, I am not as much bound in my belief as she is, I struggle spiritually.
     
  14. BimarriedMike

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    So there are 2 issues...your relationship with your wife and then the sick kid. Could you separate but still live in the same house for the care of your child?
     
  15. cheaterdad

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    I don't know that we can co-habitate, the home we share is a 3 bedroom. I'm sure it could be done but that would essentially be a marriage without any commitment and no benefits.
     
  16. WilliamHunter

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    Dear Sir,

    Take comfort that you are not the only gay man trapped in a straight marriage. I was for 30 years. Good time and beautiful children, but I have zero attraction for the wife culminating in my coming out.

    It was my bigger fear come true, but she took it amazingly well. We are getting a divorce and the three grown kids are perfectly fine that "dad is finally happy" and not dying inside.

    Things have a way of righting itself. Best wishes. Be bold and courage.
     
  17. cheaterdad

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    Thank you, I am glad you are no longer trapped in a relationship that is not what you wanted.