So I'm so fortunate growing up in a loving family, access to resources, doing well in school and everyone who I have come out to has been very understanding (or at least accepting). People say I'm nice friendly person. But for some reason a part of me believes that I'm a horrible stupid person who is inept at everything and I'm constantly comparing myself to others and find myself lacking. People who a re nice to me I feel that they pity me and that is the only reason they talk to me. I see a counselor and I'm on anxiety medication and I have made great progress with my self esteem and handling anxiety but sometimes it feels like too much and I just want to say "you win anxiety, I'm just so tired of fighting you". I would like to have a relationship but I'm always spending so much time handling my own insecurities that working on a relationship just seems too hard. I always tell myself maybe when I'm less busy or when I can handle myself better, but i m forever busy and forever keeping my anxiety in check that it seems that I'm destined to be forever alone. I had this crazy optimistic moment where I almost completed an online dating account but I never followed through because I just don't know if I'm ready. But then I tell myself that I should at least try because otherwise I'm just going through the motions of worrying and wondering what if. Whoever wants to be with me is going to have to deal with the hot mess that I am. I mean just look at this rant, its all over the place! But writing it out was helpful. Any comments, advice or shared experiences are appreciated.
Hi there. Hugs. (*hug*) I suffer from anxiety as well, so I can relate to what you say a lot. I have a whole set of worthless sh*t in my head and I'm on three different meds now because it all kind of went from a drizzle to a hailstorm some time ago. Sorry for talking about myself. ^^ I just really relate. I really get it when you say you sometimes feel like you'd rather just let your anxiety win. Sometimes it feels easier. But we have to keep trying, you know. It's unfortunate to say the least that we have to deal with this and that it can't just leave us alone. But it's the way things are right now, and we have to think about two things. 1) Do we have what we need to, at least, get by right now? 2) Do we have what we need to move forward? Do we have a plan? It's good that you're seeing a counselor, and I'm glad that your medication and you working on your problems has helped you with your self esteem etc. Well done! Now, are you thinking forward? Are you doing any journaling or so, for example? How are things with school/working, and such things, are those in check? Do you have a routine and things to do? Sorry for all the questions. ^^ And btw, those "crazy optimistic moments" might be something like a glimpse of what life is supposed to be like. Hopefully you'll have more of them and they won't seem so crazy anymore. Much love <3
Jello! (So I started typing on my tablet and I meant to write 'hello' but it came out 'jello', so jello it is) Thanks for relating! It's always nice to be reminded I'm not alone. 1) Yes,as of right now I can handle it. 2) As for the future.... my plans are to finish school, get job, ... not be alone? This seems to be the problem. I try to be social but anxiety about school gets in the way. I still go out, but I feel that I should do it more often to meet people. I handle my anxiety by exercising, meditation (trying to do short frequent sessions), medication, counselling, and by taking breaks from the world (reading my fantasy/sci-fi). I feel I have hit a roadblock in terms of my improvement (or perhaps progress has just slowed down?) I have tried to journal in the past, but I feel that my thoughts fly to fast for my hand to write and it gets frustrating. Thanks for the pep talk, I will try to take those optimistic moments more seriously.
