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My first gay crush and why it won't work out

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by chaotic2h, Dec 24, 2015.

  1. chaotic2h

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    Let me begin by saying I don't fall for guys easily. The stereotypical feminine gay guy is not my thing and neither are the masculine hyped up dudes from ******.

    But I met a guy on ******* (he's 21 I'm 20). At first glance his pictures seemed nothing special, just some regular pics. We sent some messages back and forth and I pretended to be interested in his career just to get him talking a lot about himself. After about half an hour of this, we ended off the conversation exchanging numbers and then he sent me a FaceTime video of himself from his bed basically saying "hi, this is what I sound like and I know we're both really busy but maybe we can get together sometime". At that point I totally fell for him hard. He had the most adorable face with the cutest tooth gap and his mannerisms were extremely attractive too. He asked me to send a video back and at this point I was feeling extremely insecure about my looks I told him I had to go and ended the conversation.

    I couldn't stop thinking about him all night. The next day at work, once again he was all I was thinking about. I couldn't believe I actually LIKED a guy and that he would actually like me back (he apparently though I was cute).

    Now this is where I **cked up bad. That night I was having all these insecure feelings such as
    1) why would a guy like him even be interested in someone like me?
    2) I think he's attractive but I'll never be able to date him because of my insecurities

    Anyways we were texting that night and I sent all my texts with an overall negative vibe. Yet with every text he sent back a cheerful text in a joking manner. At this point I got more and more frustrated because he seemed like a really amazing guy and I COULDNT have him. I then blew up and very explicitly told him all my insecurities and how he was so much better than me and that I was going to delete his number and sorry for wasting his time.

    I thought I felt better after that. But the next two days were horrible...I kept wondering what if I had messed something up? I felt so bad I recorded a video of myself apologizing for those messages and expressed my hope it wouldn't stop us from becoming friends. Sounds creepy right? Any reasonable guy would take that as a warning sign NOT to contact me again. But, no! He seemed really cool with it and continued to text me normally as if nothing had happened.

    The next week we flirted every day over text. God damn it I hate texting so much...in fact I only use it really as a means of getting information to another person, not as a means to socialize. Whenever we had texting conversations he always texted back right away but once I texted him while he was at work and I waited in sheer AGONY for him to text back (he didn't do so until the next morning because he had fallen asleep). THIS IS NOT HEALTHY! After a few hours of him not texting back I was convinced he hated me and finally stopped putting up with my emotional bs.

    Despite all these awkward text conversations he still seems to want to meet sometime to have coffee with me and I really really do not know why. He has plenty of friends, is cute, is confidant, does theatre, has a good voice, is caring whereas I'm some business major who just works a lot and goes to the gym, just aiming for perfection.

    So I don't know what to do. If I stop talking to him, the guilt will haunt me forever because he's the only guy in my life so far I ever felt a shred of intimacy for. On the other hand, this kind of feeling is not healthy especially since I haven't even met the guy in person yet. I SCREWED THIS UP IN SO MANY WAYS AND HES STILL TALKING TO ME WTF, and this makes me even more guilty that he has to put up with all my emotional baggage.
     
  2. Zippi

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    First off, this isn't weird or unhealthy. You're describing exactly what a first hard crush is. It's always intense, and it can always seem too obsessive or involved. Keeping that in mind, just don't over think things too much. Try to be calm and not make any impulsive decisions while you're still soaring high on the first infatuation jitters. Who knows, you may not even be that into him after meeting in person. But on the other hand, you two could be something incredible! I would say to just go for it, see what happens. He seems to be extremely open and understanding, so I think you can get through this fine, even if, in the end, it's meant to be a platonic relationship. Just take a breath and relax. :slight_smile:

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do! :thumbsup:
     
  3. Magenta Mucus

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    Good Lord, boy, you have your perfect man and he ignores all your bullshit? And now you feel your "weird" fascination with the perfect man is unhealthy?

    YOU HAVE A CRUSH!!!!!

    It isn't unhealthy or anything, just tell him you have a crush on him! It is not uncommon/unhealthy/weird at all, if any. You just like him a lot! That weird feeling is LIKING him!!!

    Congratulations!
     
  4. Euler

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    I don't think your obsessive thoughts about your crush are particularly abnormal. However, you have serious self-esteem issues you need to address and I cannot emphasize this enough. In order to have a happy and balanced relationship you need to feel secure about yourself.

    About this guy, I'm in general skeptic of the "app" being useful for anything else except casual sex. However, I'm not saying that there aren't nice guys around too. You might have found one that is. Just be careful that he is not trying to leverage on your insecurities. Like you said, most guys would run away fast after your first outburst and had this guy come here ask advice about you I would have told him to run as fast as he can.
     
  5. AKTodd

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    Instead of worrying about why or how he can like you, why not just accept that he apparently does and go out and meet him for coffee or lunch or something? It really doesn't commit you to anything but will clear away a lot of this emotional second-guessing of yourself that you appear to be doing right now. And who knows, maybe if you stop mentally punishing yourself for a while and just relax and let yourself have fun, something (and someone) really good could come into your life.

    In addition, I think you really need to talk to a therapist or something about your self-esteem issues. Because you seem to think very little of yourself for no good reason that I can see from what you've posted here.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd