I am 35 and married..And I might be lesbian after all. I tried to convince myself, I'm bisexual, but lately I feel less and less interested in men, including my own husband..But we have children together and I simply can't break their lives and leave my marriage. I grew up without a dad, I can't do that to my children. I feel trapped. It is all so complicated..I love my children, but it just kills me that I feel so unfulfilled in my relationships. I tried to have lesbian lovers, but it just made me feel cheap. I don't see a way out..
Hi soulstone... Have you 'tested the water' with women? Do you have strong desires to be with a woman? Have you talked to your husband about what's going on inside your head?? Best wishes x
Hi Soulstone, and welcome! You will find that there are a lot of people here who are or were in your exact situation. You are not alone. One thing I can tell you is that it is never too late. You are not trapped, and you can figure out what the right path is for you. Your concern for your children is a very understandable and common one, and there are many folks here who have dealt with that issue and can give you their insight. I don't have kids myself, but one thing I do know is that even if you and your husband separate, they will still have a dad. That doesn't need to change. Hugs to you, and know that you are among friends... (&&&)
(*hug*)Hi Soulstone. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, but know you're not alone. There are many stories such as yours here, and lots and lots of support.
I wonder what you mean by "too late." Is it too late for you to change the direction of your life because you are married and have children? Or maybe that it's "too soon" to make drastic changes that will affect you and your family? It's never too late to change. I'm 20 years older than you and have decided no longer to accept that this is as good as it gets. It sounds like your have doubt about many things and that you're not satisfied with the direction things are going. I suggest you follow your dreams and not shut the door. That's something you might regret for years to come. But take your time. This change doesn't happen quickly or easily. You may discover its the relationship with your husband, not necessarily all men, that's the problem. Or, you may decide, as so many of us did, that joy and peace can only be found in a relationship with someone of the same sex. It's yours to explore. Best wishes and good luck. Remember, its never too late.
Hi I understand I too came to realisation that bi sexual wasn't where I was really at -- When u say you were without a dad -- would your children be without dad or would it be that they had him some of the time -- I can see how people stay for children but I do think ( with my own experience ) that children pick up on the unspoken -- even in subconscious ways and so I personally feel the truth is the best way - honest Or else it's living a lie and I'm sure nobody actually wants that -- Can u be honest with your husband ?
Thank you everyone for your responses..I realise my situation is not unique and many people find themselves in very similar one. However for me it is as unique as it can get - it's my life, my kids, my marriage and my happiness on cards here. So far I have "tested the waters" with several women, one of them still means a lot to me, but we are not together, because deep down I am not a cheater type and can't live a double life. Maybe it would be easier if all this lesbian thing would be just in my head, then I could write it down to unhappy marriage and leave it. But I know, how amazing it feels to be with a woman, so there is no way back. Unfortunately I can not speak about it all this with my husband. He is very conservative and would never understand. I am afraid, he might take away the kids if I tell him.They are still very young - 4 and 2. On the other hand, I don't think I will be able to hide what I feel forever. I guess part of me still hopes it's all just a phase and will pass. I know how ridiculous it sounds. Thank you again everyone, it is very important to me to be able to talk to someone and get some support.
Just one more thing - do you think it all actually can be just in my head? Sometimes I don't know what to think. It feels so good to be with a woman..But what if it not enough to be happy?
If it feels good, in my opinion it's not in your head... As for your kids. They are still young now but at some point they will pick up that you are not happy. I am sure they don't want that for you. And they will pick up on the fact that your relationship isn't loving. That will have an influence on them as well. I know you want to protect them but I don't think you being unhappy is good for them. best wishes
I can feel for you and your situation. I am 51, on my second marriage (both women) and have three kids. Within the last few months I came out to my wife as ftm trans. I am worried that our marriage won't survive and two of my three kids are very young (4yrs and 4 months). As for the kids, I understand and agree with a concern fr their well being. I have been told by my therapist that it is important to try to keep the relationship together until they are at least five. But I think it is most important for kids to have parents who are happy.
Houdini, Mike64 Your answers just made me realize I don't know what happy is..For me beeing happy is to see my kids happy. And leaving their dad would not make them happy. I can't say our relationship with my husband isn't loving - we care for each other, we don't fight..Kids are always so happy when he comes home and plays with them. I can't break that and give them weekend dad. I just can't. I doubt I could ever feel happy if I did that to then.
Then maybe you should start finding out what makes you happy and who you really are. Become more confident and start thinking about yourself. I don't have kids but I know the feeling when you care more about others than yourself. Your kids are still young and they do need you now but they will grow up and will need you a little bit less. And I think it will not be enough for you to have a "friendship" with your husband when your kids get older...So maybe start with yourself and find out what happy is.
I don't have kids, and I realize that this, in some measure, invalidates my thoughts here. However, I can tell you, I recently came out in February. It ended a ten year relationship, started our divorces proceedings, and had some very real consequences. I think happiness is complicated. I'm happy that I feel more authentic. I'm happy that I enjoy sex a great deal now as opposed to a chore or rite of passage it felt like previously. I wouldn't change the decision I made but I have to say there is some serious work after that decision was implemented. I am not "out of the woods" but I can see myself getting there. So to answer your question: I do not think it's too late at all. I think you can absolutely find happiness that rewards you as an individual as well as a mother. But I also think you are very wise to consider the outcomes because it is likely not a simple journey. I don't regret what has happened because I'm in a very fulfilling relationship now, but it was/is difficult. TL/DR: I made the choice to come out and leave my marriage, it was and continues to be a heartbreaking struggle, but I don't regret it. I can see myself happy in the future. But I can understand your hesitation. It isn't an easy path to take.
