Apologies for the almost bullet-point style of this post. I used to write very eloquently but I have become an emotional quadriplegic zombie since coming out to my wife on October 15th. I had always been terrified of telling her, knowing it would literally destroy her. In the immediate aftermath of the reveal and despite the obvious shock, anger, sadness and fear, I was somewhat surprised by her strength. Over the pas weeks and months though, the initial hope (if you can call it that) I harboured that she would eventually come to her own conclusions and give me permission to go has faded into darkness. I can’t even articulate how hard it is to see her pain and to know *I* did this to her from my years of hiding and deception. As I mentioned elsewhere, even the therapist has remarked that she is nowhere near strong enough for me to leave. She had another breakdown at 3:00 am the other night. She knows she’s “killing me” and is holding me “emotionally hostage” (her words) and she apologises for not being strong enough to let me go. She says she’s sorry for not being able to give me what I want and need. She says she wants to be there for me but any time I try to express anything about how I’m feeling, it turns around into me taking care of her. It’s like an endless emotional boxing match. She keeps asking me, “Why do you have to be gay? Why can’t you be bi? Why can’t you find the balance you had before you told me, when you were living in two worlds?” The truth is, I’ve stepped fully into the other dimension and I don’t think I can bifurcate myself anymore with one foot on each side. But I can’t tell her yet... she’ll completely break. I know some may think or think that I just need to take the bull by the horns and rip the band-aid off. That I am putting myself in this place because I am overly emotional and empathetic to a fault, but I am terrified she will end up in a mental hospital. So for now, I have to live in suspended animation.
Hello there, I feel for you and your wife! Having been through this situation (and with a 6 month old baby at the time) I can really relate to the emotional pain swirling round between the two of you. In my situation, within a month or so I thought it was best to remove myself from the family home. This was a tough decision but thought it would give us both breathing space. Obviously this is not always possible. I'm guessing like many of us here, you have suffered in silence for a long time before this revelation to your wife. Although her health and well being is important so is YOURS! Do you mind me asking how did you communicate your status (gay, bi, etc) and have you seeing someone or is this a feeling from within you? Best wishes, eagle
Thanks for the response, Eagle. I came out to her on Oct 15th. She knew I was very depressed, basically catatonic, she was holding me non-responsive in the bed and she began to blame herself for my mood. I kept saying, "It's ME, I promise it's not you !" And I finally just said it. "I'm GAY ! I always have been." I have had 3 significant relationships with other married men. The last one ended in May because his wife suspected. She found gchat messages completely indvertently, not enough to prove we were having an affair and were really in love, but enough to confront him. He is early 30s with very young kids, so his choice was obviously to stay with them and rebuild his marriage. I can't blame him. I was his first male lover. But I have honestly NEVER experienced feelings like I had/have for him. I cried every day for months after he broke it off. And here I am trying to figure things out.
When I first read this, I wondered if you too knew deep down this is what you need to do but were projecting this onto the reader?
"Why Do You Have To Be Gay"? Like you have a choice. You are what you are. Stay Out of the Closet. Don't let your wife dictate your life. She playing games with your head. Enjoy being You. She's got to deal with herself rather than blame you.
Is she working with any therapist at all? Was she before you came out to her? My sense from your posts is that her inability to handle this isn't a surprise to you. How old are your children? What is your financial situation? Do worries about either custody or finances make her anxiety worse? Can you make assurances about her future? Does she have friends/family to confide in? Are you comfortable with her doing so? There are therapists that can work with couples to end a marriage. But I suspect she needs to seek her own therapy first. She may need to see a psychiatrist/ general practitioner (preferably psychiatrist) to get on medication (temporarily) to help alleviate the depression enough for the therapy to work. Are you worried that she is suicidal today? Or only if you leave?
Get a copy of Joe Kort's wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, and everything to do about understanding yourself. There's an excellent chapter (and other references) to the experience of heterosexually married gay men coming out. One of the most profound pieces, based on Dr. Kort's 25 years of experience, is that nearly 100% of the time, once the dust settles, the wife of the gay man eventually is able to acknowledge that she knew, or suspected. And with this comes the powerful realization that she basically co-conspired to keep the issue under wraps. In other words: It isn't solely your fault. At least, based on hundreds of couples Dr. Kort has worked with in the past. As to what to do: I think you need to encourage your wife to go to therapy. Perhaps go with her for a few sessions. She will be OK, she just has to realize that while things are going to drastically change, she'll land on her feet. And it's very possible -- this has happened with many such situations -- that you'll end up best friends after the fact. I know how difficult this is, and how insurmountable it feels. I also know... it will get better.
Oh man, I hear you At least your wife realizes and admits she's holding you 'emotionally hostage' that's a great term. One my husband would never acknowledge. He keeps asking me "Why can't you just date women on the side? Why do you have to rip our lives apart? Why did you force me get married?" as if i weren't guilty/repentant enough I feel like in the beginning (~5 months ago) I was emotionally charged and ambitious enough to leave him. But I kept letting him talk me into staying, and now he lets me see a woman on the side half the time, so I feel like I've lost all my momentum for leaving. I feel like I'm being manipulated by both sides because I hold their needs above my own and I've completely lost my sense of self in the matter. So yes, suspended animation for me too. What I don't get is how to break out of this? Now that we've acknowledged we're staying for our spouses' benefit and not our own (due to fear of them breaking down, or retaliating) what provides the leverage for us to get out of this now, or ever? I guess some people have done it, but without "permission" it seems very difficult. Thanks for sharing your story.
I guess one could say I got lucky in this regard. My ex left me. Things had gotten to such a point that there seemed to be just nothing left between us. Our fights were horrible, yelling and occasionally me breaking something out of complete anger. But since her leaving, I have felt so much more relieved. We had enough problems seeing eye to eye as it is, and my need to be out finally got to a point I couldn't deal anymore. I had absolutely no desire to work anything out, I work 70 hours a week now and will be for the foreseeable future. I don't get nearly enough time with my girls (even tho they split the week between us) and I'm always tired. That said, I have never felt more like myself. I still wonder about if my being out will cause awkwardness at my work. But I feel stronger each day as I learn to embrace my sexuality more and more.
Well, the leverage to get out is that you want or need to get out. Period. I am confused as to why you think you need permission to leave...the only "permission" you need is yours. Threats of retaliation or suicide or whatever are manipulative and not valid reasons to stay in a situation where you are not happy. My husband threatened all kinds of horrible (and illegal) things to keep me from leaving. It worked for a while because he scared me, and I also felt guilty for wanting out...but eventually, I got tired of being held hostage and decided that my happiness was just as important as anyone else's. Taxodium, I know you care about your wife and you don't want her to fall apart...and that's sweet...but just be careful with how far you go with that. You are not solely responsible for her well being; she has to take charge of herself and learn to deal with realities without you constantly shielding her from them. She needs to find other people to be a support network for her besides you...ideally a therapist, but also friends, family...try to encourage her to do that if you can. A state of suspended animation, while understandable in the short term based on what you've said, will absolutely be unhealthy and damaging to both of you in the long term. Before long, it will begin to feel like Purgatory or a slow death, and neither of you will be able to move on and begin the healing process. And questions like "why do you have to be gay" and "why can't you just have something on the side and live a double life" are just emotional blackmail and not even worth entertaining.
Well, in my opinion the first thing you need to do is to figure out what you actually want and what you feel towards your wife. Do you feel anything towards your wife? Even platonic love and care or is she just nobody at this point? If you have some feelings towards her do you think you could make alternative arrangements like each having separate romantic and sexual lives? I'm not saying this is what you should do or that it would work for anyone, however, I think it would be good if you could explore different options in you mind before deciding. If divorce after all you thinking feels the best then go for it. You don't need your wife's approval. At this point it is irrelevant how aware you were about your sexuality and if you mislead your wife by marrying her. Irrespective of this you have limited moral duty towards your wife just as she has limited moral duty to you. You need to arrange your finances and split your assets. Also, like posters above suggested, going to therapy is a good idea, especially for your wife. And this BTW, is true for any divorce and for any reason. Marriage cannot work unless you both are happy in it. Support your wife but realize that she cannot hold you hostage forever and you need to tell her this. Set a timeline and communicate it with your wife. Tell her that you will be there to support her during this time but eventually you both will have to move on irrespective of if she is OK or not.
