What are some good strategies for surviving time with family when you're not out?

Hmmmm tricky one! Are things 'amicable' with husband? I'm gonna aim to enjoy the days off, spend time on the beach, find time to reflect, be kind to my self. Hope that helps! X x

 

I guess I should move liquor down to Plan B.....

 

I'd think you want to use the same basic strategies for surviving time with family that you used last year. These strategies are generally unrelated to one's sexual orientation.

What are some of the new challenges for surviving family time that you see now that you are out to yourself but not fully out to others?

If you have children, focus on making their Christmas merry and maintaining normalcy. Don't argue with your husband. Finally, if you don't want to out yourself, don't stare at hot women

 

Are we talking immediate family here (husband and kids, plus maybe guests)? Or extended family (your parents, his parents, siblings of both/either, etc.)? More remote relations? Or a mix of all of this?

 

Marijuana. Scientifically proven to increase your "I don't give a fuck" by like a bajillion percent.

 

Ok, this throws me back to days when I would spend some holiday time with my partner at her parents...long *before* they realized the nature of our relationship. I was well-treated as a friend of the extended family. And egad it was uncomfortable...the only time/way in which I ever really had to cover up or misrepresent a relationship.

Sounds like it's a little different from your situation (and that of most people here), but it's similar in that basically, I was a queer person in an ultra-straight setting...Christmas itself just has an ultra-straight vibe that can be a bit excruciating at the best of times (and I say that despite actually rather *liking* Christmas). But add family visit, when the family doesn't know you're queer, and yeah...it's like invisibility-central.

I know my partner and I dealt with this a lot by taking long walks...anything to get out of the house. But I don't think that's the kind of strategy you're looking for.

These days, when I am in straight-territory and know I'll feel a little out-of-water and invisible, I try to incorporate some LGBT manifestation into my wardrobe. I have a beautiful rainbow infinity scarf. I also have a small, understated rainbow pin I can tack onto anything. Even if you don't want people to see it...those rainbow panties, that purple bra...it helps *you* to remember who you are, and sometimes that can make a big difference.

Also, are there any relatives that you *would* feel safe and comfortable coming out to? If there's a chance to get them in a quiet corner and tell them what you've been struggling with, it's always great to have a larger support base. Just be sure they realize (and that you trust them) that it's important to you that this information not "go viral" (I mean honestly, these days, it's not *that* interesting anyway, especially if it's not attached to a juicy divorce story).

 

Meditate in the morning before they wake, make time for walks - get out of the house each day.

 

And...I just noticed that you've added your location to your description. If you're in Colorado, then I have to second angeluscrzy's suggestion. Failing that, Atavan would be my next go-to choice...but not *with* alcohol.

 

WanderingMind,

Based on your last post - this is what I'm hearing as your question. Does this sound right?

 

Find a gay person to spend time with!

 

Not a bad idea! If you've a gay bar close enough, why not just slip away for an hour, have just one drink, and see if there isn't someone there to talk to (and even if there isn't, just being among gay people ought to lift your spirits).

 

Alcohol is probably the best option, the second best being television.

 

That's tough one. My periods of intense questioning did not occur over the holidays, so it must be difficult for you to entertain while questioning.

Let's start with virtual hugs (*hug*) (&&&) (*hug*) (&&&) (*hug*), since you've come out to yourself. That's a great first step towards authenticity. Savor your accomplishment!

At some level the next two ideas are counterintuitive since they are using the dark side of the closet for constructive ends.

I would suggest trying to compartmentalize over the holidays. Try to focus on the straight side of your bisexuality or anything else that might help you keep your mind focused. I'm pretty focused on cooking over the holidays, so it's easy for me to forget about my sexuality. Perhaps you want to give yourself a budget of 1 hour per day for unrestricted gay time for yourself?

Perhaps you want to focus on the needs of others during this time? A gift of your time to your family after which you will reward yourself with an affirming exploration of your sexuality.

Regarding the religious people who may (inadvertently) say some things that hurt, perhaps you want to take a moment to brainstorm what they may say and how you will respond, so that you are prepared and not caught off guard.

PS - As for the pharmaceuticals, not sure about Ativan. Sounds like you need a mood lifter and Ativan would have the opposite effect.

 

I'm glad this issue came up, as I'm struggling with it, too (and I touched upon it a bit in another Christmas-related thread).

I love Christmas and family time; in both my and my husband's extended families, we have a mix of liberal and conservative family members, so I always know there will be some open-minded, lgbt-friendly people. On the other hand, I'm not out to anyone except my husband and best female friend, so it's not like I'm going to make some big announcement about being bisexual.

For me (In the rare instances anything LGBT-related comes up at family gatherings) I try to be the progressive, supportive voice without giving myself away (I hope). Other than that (and it probably sounds lame) I try in little ways (wardrobe, hair, etc) to not look exceptionally straight-appearing...although I'm quite feminine anyway, with a feminine personality, so maybe it's not worth bothering lol. One thing I've also done is log onto forums like this occasionally to remind myself I'm not alone. Sometimes I pack an LGBT-theme book with me to read at night, and that helps, too. Maybe if you are a fan of certain LGBT musical artists, you could make a playlist for yourself to listen to when you get some alone time.

 

Hang out with the kids and pets if there are any.

 

I must disagree...at least my personal experience differs from what you describe. Ativan does not alter my *mood* at all (nor does it in any way impair or affect my functioning). Rather, it just completely takes the edge off any anxiety or emotional distress I'm experiencing. It has accomplished minor miracles in my life in the small number of times I've had it.

But mileage certainly may vary.