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I feel obsessed with my boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lancelot, Dec 18, 2015.

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  1. AlmostBlue

    AlmostBlue Guest

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    Well done! I must say I feel very proud of you! It took real courage and self-respect to dump him on the spot like that. You may feel a sense of loss after the adrenaline and anger subsides, but remember you are much better off without someone like him treating you poorly. If you start having doubts again, do come back and talk to us. In any case, continue being your brave self and I'm sure you''ll have a great future.
     
    #21 AlmostBlue, Dec 20, 2015
  2. lancelot

    lancelot
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    Mystory, Euler, Almost Blue, and other previous commentors,
    Thanks, you really helped me a lot with not just mustering strength to end this relationship but dealing with emotional aftermath also! I couldn't have any sleep thanks to adrenaline and anger last night, but yes I just feel empty but calm now. I think about couple dates I asked him to for the next two weeks and shiver at the thought of more preposterous BS's I will have swallowed. My heart's not racing anymore so looking forward to good night's sleep.
    I don't have many friends but they all talked to me on the phone and we set aside couple days to eat and enjoy next week. I truly feel blessed that I could take many helpful advice from you guys and have friends who are willing to help me through this time.
    I'll keep coming back to read this thread, consult about new difficulties, and keep you updated.
    :thumbsup:
     
    #22 lancelot, Dec 20, 2015
  3. resu

    resu
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    I only read this thread now, and I was quite worried you would continue with this jerk of a boyfriend, so congratulations on finding your confidence and following through!
     
    #23 resu, Dec 20, 2015
  4. lancelot

    lancelot
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    Finally got 8 hours of sleep. But woke up twice in the middle and had trouble falling asleep. The stage "bargaining" began.. A lot of what if's. What if he has been lying to get his lone time. What if he's been lying to not hurt me. What if...? Then I get a hold of myself and tell me that I am trying to think of ways to give him another chance. I probably had been emotionally stuck in his shitty way of treating me and unconsciously trying to get back to what I got used to. Realizing this problem allows me to get myself together and stop myself from thinking unreasonable things like picturing him in a human way.

    When what if's are suppressed. 'I should have's' and 'I want to's' start to arise. Should have ended this sooner.. Should have learned from other red flags before running into this major discovery. Then I tell myself that when I like someone it is easy to overlook things and I should be glad I found a convincing reason to end it. I shouldn't blame myself any more because it absolutely wasn't my fault that he is the way that he is.

    Finally, I want to's. I want to make him apologize. I want to write him a letter describing in detail how f'ed up he is and how poorly he has been treating me. I deleted everything about him so all I have is knowledge of where he lives. But no, that is only going to extend the duration of his existence in my head, and I'm in a very important phase where I need to bury every memory of him seven feet under. Maybe at later time I will recollect this pain once in a while to remind myself of my capabilities, but for now I should focus on actively forgetting him and his unloving attitude throughout our time together..

    Yeah, I am thinking a lot obviously. It was short, but I gave it a lot. Wish I could stop myself from thinking and carry on with my life. It ain't easy..
     
    #24 lancelot, Dec 21, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2015
  5. AlmostBlue

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    You seem to be very aware of yourself and the situation, which is quite remarkable, especially given the highly dramatic situation. I agree with everything you wrote. It's not easy to stop thinking about this, but ironically, I think the best way to stop thinking is by thinking everything through like you're doing right now. Once you've processed your emotions through time and contemplation, you can carry on with your life without giving him your attention. Hang in there!
     
    #25 AlmostBlue, Dec 21, 2015
  6. Euler

    Euler
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    Lancelot, the things you are going through are normal. I agree with AlmostBlue that you should not repress your emotions and it is essential part of the healing process to deal with them. Personally, I don't believe he gives a rat's ass on your feelings and request for apology.

    I certainly encourage you write him a letter describing your feelings but think carefully are you actually going to send it. There is a fairly good chance that he will just ignore it. Would you feel bad if he ignored the letter? In matters like this we rarely get the closure we want and that is just something we have to accept. Writing the letter and not sending it is an excellent tool in processing your feelings and grief.

    Don't be too harsh on yourself about not ending it sooner. This was your first love and first love is always special no matter who we loved. Without the experience from the past it is very difficult to make the "rational" decisions. I my case I told myself the rational thing to do but emotionally I wanted to see the thing through. In the end I am happy that I saw it through because then there was no doubt in my mind of "what if".
     
    #26 Euler, Dec 21, 2015
  7. Mystory

    Mystory
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    There will be days, where you will find yourself thinking. Thinking so much that you may very well drown in the endless, inward spiral of your own thoughts.

    There will be days, where, so real are the justifications and the explanations that you make for yourself- that you make for him, that you begin to question your very own sense of reality. "Maybe I was being a bit too dramatic", "of course he left, I was too clingy", "he has always been sarcastic to me, but he still loved me", "maybe it was for the best?", "maybe I should apologise for forcing the relationship on him."

    These thoughts will feel real. These thoughts, these ideas- these fantasies- all of this will feel profoundly justified. You will feel almost guilty- as though you were the one that betrayed him. You will feel as though, somehow, no matter how irrational these thoughts may appear to you, that they make sense- holding onto the irrational, nonsensical belief that you may never feel as happy as he had made you in the past. Self-doubt, self-questioning, and insecurity- all of these sensations will bubble and simmer within you.

    Don't look back, you will drown

    Our dispositions, our personalities and our fallible sense of reality is such that they will always work against our favour. It will feel so real, so painful and so insurmountable to us simply because of our very human incapacity to think beyond ourselves- to think beyond our own minds- beyond this very moment- beyond our age other than that of which we are experiencing at this very moment. The arrow of time is such that we will always move forward by looking back- and it is such that it begins to influence our perception of how things really were. You have spent months upon months of building up this idea of having a shared future with him- you have spent months allowing your thoughts to trickle in, endless and hopeful, of ideas of sharing it with him. It will feel strange to suddenly shatter what was such an integral aspect of your reasoning. It will feel foreign and scary- uncertain. Nonetheless, you must hold onto the belief, no matter how bleak things may seem or appear, that you will be fine, that you will feel happy again- even if, during those quiet days and nights, it feels impossible, hold onto that belief that everything will be fine- that life goes on regardless.

    For the moment you truly let go of the narrative- the narrative that you have been gradually convincing yourself of- everything will become startling clear for you. Of course, I am not talking about the narrative which somehow invalidates the relationship that you had with him. That was very much real. It happened and it passed. It may not have held much significance for him- but it was important to you. It was real to you. It meant something to you. No- I am rather talking about a very different narrative.

    The narrative that: "You need him. That you need him in order for yourself to be happy. That you cannot possibly be happy again without him. That you may never find his equal".

    It may seem insane, but this is the narrative that we quietly tell ourselves, and convince ourselves of, whenever we remain in situations that have so clearly made us unhappy. You must let go of this narrative.

    Keep us updated, you are strong and dignified.
     
    #27 Mystory, Dec 21, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2015
  8. lancelot

    lancelot
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    I thought I was doing better but I ended up reliving the event multiple times throughout my sleepless night. Just how aggressive and cold he was after I called him out on his bs just makes my stomach churn. Why was I dating this heartless, shallow, "terrible" (he always said "I'm a terrible person" which I thought was him trying to be funny), dishonest SoB?
    As you guys said thinking through is normal, but constantly coming back to the same idea even after I make the same conclusion times again is a little painful..
    I was looking at my Christmas present I bought for him.. And started thinking, instead of returning maybe I should give it to him. Not gonna do it, but it shows the flight of ideas in my head is getting worse..
    And mystory, every single thought you warned me I was going to have, exactly been happening. You also told me to not look back to avoid drowning. I keep telling myself what is done is done and there is no going back... But besides meeting my friends, I really can't bring myself to do anything productive. I work from home without deadlines, so everything is on halt right now. Completely lost any motivation..
    Side Story: My older brother always came to me to talk about his sadness after every break up. We are very close, but he has no idea I had a bf since I didn't come out to him. My parents begged me not to tell him after I came out to them. Sucks that I can't get his consolation :/
     
    #28 lancelot, Dec 22, 2015
  9. lancelot

    lancelot
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    I thought I was doing better but I ended up reliving the event multiple times throughout my sleepless night. Just how aggressive and cold he was after I called him out on his bs just makes my stomach churn. Why was I dating this heartless, shallow, "terrible" (he always said "I'm a terrible person" which I thought was him trying to be funny), dishonest SoB?
    As you guys said thinking through is normal, but constantly coming back to the same idea even after I make the same conclusion times again is a little painful..
    I was looking at my Christmas present I bought for him.. And started thinking, instead of returning maybe I should give it to him. Not gonna do it, but it shows the flight of ideas in my head is getting worse..
    And mystory, every single thought you warned me I was going to have, exactly been happening. You also told me to not look back to avoid drowning. I keep telling myself what is done is done and there is no going back... But besides meeting my friends, I really can't bring myself to do anything productive. I work from home without deadlines, so everything is on halt right now. Completely lost any motivation..
    I am considering taking some antidepressants that I used to take a year ago. Maybe it'll help me rise from this slump as well in addition to listening and talking to people and going through my own thoughts and emotions.
    Side Story: My older brother always came to me to talk about his sadness after every break up. We are very close, but he has no idea I had a bf since I didn't come out to him. My parents begged me not to tell him after I came out to them. Sucks that I can't get his consolation :/
     
    #29 lancelot, Dec 22, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2015
  10. lancelot

    lancelot
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    Also, I have 0 sex drive, don't feel like drinking alcohol.. Just eating dinner with friends.. chatting and meeting people on app just to talk and make friends.. No emotional or physical relationship on my mind..
     
    #30 lancelot, Dec 22, 2015
  11. Mystory

    Mystory
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    Your situation is an eerie echo of my own situation that I was going through. The exception being was that I allowed it to drag out for 18 months. Four times I went back to him. Each time I went back, the treatment just became worse and worse. It will never get better. Do not romanticize the past... The thing is however, like smoking- each time you quit, you get a little better at quitting. As I have mentioned, it is the belief that you will eventually be- one day- fine- that keeps you going. Even if you cannot possibly imagine it, keep faith and hope that one day everything will somehow work out. As the above posters have mentioned, it is always a good exercise to write out your thoughts instead of sending it to him. But be cautious that you actually don't fall into the temptation of actually sending it (as I have mistakenly done in the past).

    One day, things will just click and suddenly, everything that has hurt you- every memory or thought, will feel distant. There will be months where the feelings return, and strike at you unexpectedly, but that is normal. Sometimes the grief doesn't disappear entirely, it just changes. What is important is to always think back upon your own conduct- each time you feel the temptation coming over you, and realise that that is not the type of person that you want to be- realise that not only was he a bad person for you, but he was also making you into everything that you felt shameful of (the poor self-esteem etc). Think back of how handsome your own conduct was in closing- and in retrospect.
     
    #31 Mystory, Dec 22, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2015
  12. Euler

    Euler
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    You will obsess about this for about a month or so. Normally people go through their first break ups in their teen years so most of your peers have by now gotten a though skin. Don't be too harsh on yourself for feeling this way. Just focus on staying clear of him. Set for yourself deadlines. Reserve time for working and time for grief. If you catch yourself thinking about this during work time just resume working.
     
    #32 Euler, Dec 22, 2015
  13. lancelot

    lancelot
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    What I forgot to mention was during our final encounter, I demanded an explanation to his lying. He told me he didn't want to spend time with me. That put a nail on the coffin. He didn't want me, I'm sure he hadn't from the beginning by the way he treated me. Instead of facing it, he wanted to drag it on, use me to validate himself, and rather spend the night with someone else (who he claimed that it was his best friend/ex that he wasn't having a sex with.. But I've approved him hanging out with his best friend/ex before because he told me they weren't sleeping. The way he lied to me and threw me out when I was about to go into his room.. tells me it was someone else or there was something more going on). Even if it was his ex and nothing happened, he did lie multiple times to avoid me that day (and probably many more times whenever he said he was going to Indiana or a handful of times when he came up with other commitments) and made me feel unwanted. Hell, he even tried to lie his way out until I pointed out how time frames didn't align. He never apologized and made ME a bad person for making as scene at midnight. I have always been treating him with kindness and respect for his schedule. He was so cold and aggressive.. And unapologetic that I was sure I didn't know this person. He called me babe on text while he was lying that he was in Indiana, showing me empty affection. It still really makes me wanna puke..

    That is what I keep thinking about in general, usually with anger.. Feels good to release the rest of the story that I didn't share with anyone yet.. Maybe it was my pride that was significantly undermined that day..

    I'm hoping getting this off my chest would help me recover faster. I am going to try to start working again today. I know I will be fine someday. But the fact that we broke up doesn't suck as much because I was being mistreated throughput the relationship and should be happy to be done with.. It's what happened during the break up (physical shoving, more lies in my face, his trying to come out on top of this situation after hurting me so bad already) that hurt me the most inside out, I realized. It was a bullet through my heart..

    ---------- Post added 23rd Dec 2015 at 07:39 AM ----------

    He called me babe on text while he was lying that he was in Indiana, showing me empty affection. He never called me by babe or even my name when we actually were hanging out. He didn't ask me my last name for three months until we became boyfriends. He was a rice queen, someone who tends to objectify all Asians. I was an object to him, not someone he truly desired but had some physical attraction only. It still really makes me wanna puke..
     
    #33 lancelot, Dec 23, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2015
  14. AlmostBlue

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    I'm so sorry to hear these details, it's truly a terrible thing that happened. I'm also sorry you can't talk to your brother about this. This is a side point, but why did your parents beg you not to tell your brother? It's very unreasonable for them to ask you to not share a part of your life with someone you're very close with, I feel.

    Do continue to let us know your thoughts if it helps. It is really repulsive how manipulative he was, and how much he attacked you in order to defend himself. Don't take all of it seriously, as he was probably just making things on the spot to make you feel bad and somehow justify himself through feeling superior. I know the feeling of being embarrassed about my clouded judgements in the past, and this could be a very difficult thing to accept, but always focus on the fact that you have learned so much from this. Because you experienced this, and because you cut him off entirely, your future is going to be even better.

    Mystory, great post by the way (and great writing!) I think I remember your posts from a while back, and it's really great to see where you are now.
     
    #34 AlmostBlue, Dec 23, 2015
  15. lancelot

    lancelot
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    You guys are amazing. You have all the words I needed to hear/read.. I don't know if you can imagine how much this thread has helped me so far. I'll keep you updated!
     
    #35 lancelot, Dec 24, 2015
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  16. lancelot

    lancelot
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    A turn happened. I just reconnected with my friend I made a few months ago. We haven't spoken in a month to avoid emotional entanglement. but I'm going to be seeing him this Saturday and I stopped thinking about the breakup ever since. I want to see how this goes :slight_smile:
     
    #36 lancelot, Dec 24, 2015
  17. lancelot

    lancelot
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    Oh and almostblue, my parents are Catholic and conservative. They gave up trying to change me "back" to straight, but they want fewer people to know about me. They rarely spent any time in the US and live in one of the conservative Asian countries. The whole family is reuniting for the new year's week, and I plan to tell my brother this time.
     
    #37 lancelot, Dec 24, 2015
  18. lancelot

    lancelot
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    Not sure if this is too fast.. But the friend told me he still had feelings for me. Although I set boundaries back then for my crappy bf, there is no need anymore, I like him too. At first I was worried about making him a rebound. But the ex left me resentful not nostalgic, so I had no affection left towards that guy.
    I told him me going for him is not a rebound because I don't miss the ex at all. My friend said even if he were a boundary, he wanted to be with me. He's warm, friendly, humorously sarcastic at times like, but a serious guy.. And we have so much in common.. Every thing I ask for.
    So here we are.. He asked me to ask again when we meet face to face this Saturday :slight_smile: I'm pretty happy right now and feel like full recovery from the breakup is just around the corner
     
    #38 lancelot, Dec 24, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2015
  19. AlmostBlue

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    That's a tough one. I'm glad this makes you happy, but at the same time, even if you think you don't have any affection left towards your ex, there's still a lot of baggage that you're carrying. A rebound relationship is when you use someone to cover up your baggage and make yourself feel better, and I think the situation with your friend could become exactly this. There is a good chance that you are tempted to jump into dating him as a source of distraction, even if you think that you genuinely like this guy. If you really do like him genuinely, then that won't disappear in a few months. I suggest taking it slow right now and deal with the aftermath of your relationship without introducing a new one. If a new relationship with this friend is going to work, it will work much better later than now.
     
    #39 AlmostBlue, Dec 26, 2015
  20. lancelot

    lancelot
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    You are 100% correct. We hung out today but I felt strongly that I didn't want to use him as a rebound even though he said he was okay with that. I told him how the breakup and the past relationship still haunt me today. And being an emotional mess right now I told him I wanted to take everything slow because I might need months to unentangle myself. He was very understanding and told me he could wait. Now I am a little scared I might be holding him hostage for how long ever I'll need to recover. Am I being too selfish here?
     
    #40 lancelot, Dec 27, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2015
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