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Gay, Married, Kids, UGH

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TravelerMe, Dec 15, 2015.

  1. jjc76

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    Thanks for posting that, Weston. That was me.
     
  2. GayPugs

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    This probably isn't very helpful but, married to a woman with kids? You just described my heaven. I wish I could marry my girlfriend. Anyway, if you like guys then just start seeing a guy. You aren't dating him. Just "hanging out". Then, if you really feel like you like him, divorce your wife and start dating him instead. Sigh...I wish life were as simple as this post makes it sound.
     
  3. TravelerMe

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    Yeah. Wow. I read Weston's post then yours maybgayguy and got chills and butterflies in my stomach.
     
  4. Weston

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    That was me too, jjc76. When I met him, my world turned upside down. I always thought I would be able to separate my sexual life from my emotional life, and suddenly the two were conflated. I discovered that the "love" I felt for my wife was of a different order entirely from the love I felt for this man. I was totally besotted by him. The closest I'd come previously to this experience was a couple of crushes I'd had as an adolescent (both with males and both unrequited). It put me on the road to my eventual coming-out a full year later. I still love my wife, but I realize now that I was never really "in love" with her.
     
  5. BimarriedMike

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    I've had a crush on girls and recently discovered feelings for a guy, but I think it was just infatuation. How would you describe the difference between the feelings you have for your wife and your new love?
     
  6. BimarriedMike

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    I really can't see this happening to me and I can't see ending a 20 year marriage in some faint hope of it happening.
     
  7. Weston

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    To answer your question: My relationship with the guy who brought me out of the closet ended two weeks after I came out. It ended principally because we were at two very different stages in our lives. He had come out five years before me and was looking for a partner, someone who could devote 100 percent of themselves to the relationship; I knew that my coming out would be an ongoing process in which I would need to devote a considerable amount of time to caring for my wife — I was therefore not available for him exclusively, and that was the deal-breaker.

    The thing is, I did not come out for him; I came out because of him. Before I met him, I had always thought myself capable of compartmentalizing my life: I enjoyed having sex with men, but it meant nothing more to me than scratching an itch. My emotional life was all at home, with my wife and kids. Within days of our meeting, I was totally in love with him. Over the course of the next year, I shared with him my deepest feelings and biggest fears, secrets I had never told anyone, including my wife. I made myself vulnerable, for the first time ever, and I thought about him day and night. He was that "blinding source of light" that illuminated my very soul, the soul of a gay man.

    Once I knew what I was capable of in terms of my emotional life, I wanted to live that life, to be "authentic." That desire outweighed every other consideration, including the strong desire to not cause pain to my wife. It's now a year and a half later. My wife and I are still living together, in separate areas of the house. We're still each other's best friend, and we've settled into a kind of comfortable life where each of us goes his or her own way (including dating). We're affectionate but not physical with each other. She's still the person I prefer spending time with over almost anybody else. Sometime this spring we will probably separate, but there's no hurry.

    I still think about him — the guy who brought me out — and I even see him from time to time (with his partner). We're like brothers now. Meanwhile, there's a new guy in my life — someone I feel a great affection for but am not "in love" with. I don't know whether I'll ever be "in love" again. I hope so.
     
    #47 Weston, Dec 23, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2015
  8. SiennaFire

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    Thanks Weston for sharing this.

    The unrecognized orientation "homoromantic bisexual" has resonated with me and the passage that you cite gives further credence to this point of view. While I've enjoyed straight sex with my wife, it's been emotionally empty because at a deep level I need a male partner to fully express myself. The book seems to be geared towards the straight spouse, so I'm wondering if the book offers further insight regarding emotional connection between gay men?
     
    #48 SiennaFire, Dec 23, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2015
  9. Weston

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    I'm afraid I haven't read the book, SiennaFire, just the essay by an anonymous reviewer on Amazon. I found it while researching sources of comfort for my wife. Buxton is the founder of the Straight Spouse Network.
     
    #49 Weston, Dec 24, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2015
  10. TravelerMe

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    So another Christmas in the books. We had a picture perfect day. We hosted famly and friends and my wife, kids and I couldnt have worked better together. The kids had a perfect Christmas morning; we all spent the day together opening presents in the morning and then getting ready for our party the rest of day. While I was sitting there with my coffee watching the kids I just thought of how well they were doing; everything is going so well for them so why would I mess it up now?

    During all the hustle and bustle I enojoyed our time and focused on family but when things settled down I couldnt help but think what would make it better was my arm around a great guy. A little despair settles in, back to the nagging angst.

    As she and I sat on the couch this morning breakin down the party; how much fun everyone had; debriefing each other on what went right and what to improve on I thought maybe this is enough. I am generally happy. Its not a bad life; its just not more. I am grateful even though something is missing.

    But we have never been lovers really. Always best friends and very comfortable with each other. Its been years since we were intimate and maybe only a few times in the last 10 years. So is a sexless marriage, a partnership in raising awesome kids and running a household enough?

    As today moves on the wanting sets in as I fidget and become restless. Wishing I were somewhere else maybe hanging with a guy for even just a little while. Just want to be me for just a little while without pretending and putting up walls.

    UGH. I put that in the title of this thread because I do that a lot :slight_smile: A gasp after feeling defeated resignation to my situation.

    Someone in an earlier another post talked about being happiest when identifying as gay. I get that more now. Getting a different sense of it. And it has nothing to do with when I'm feeling aroused or checking out a guy. Its like a moment or two of authenticity... puzzling.
    Sometimes after a couple of drinks my guard is down and I "feel" out. Even when my wife and I are out with friends and having a good time I just want to be me and be gay.

    I received so many well wishes yesterday from friends; more than ever. Wonder who will do that if I come out. Not really concerned about them just wonder; my only real concern is for my wife and family.

    Just needed to ramble aimlessly today. I hope you all are having a good holiday. :slight_smile:

    (&&&)
     
  11. angeluscrzy

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    I am really enjoying those moments where I can just say "I'm gay" to myself and feel like it just makes sense. It feels more natural. And have also thought about scenarios in which you introduce your partner to someone. Just thinking of introducing someone as "my boyfriend", it makes me smile inside.