Gay, Married, Kids, UGH

Still married here with two teenage daughters, out to self, a friend, sister and in therapy. I understand what you are all going through. What rings in my head DJNX is the infidelity. I have gone down that path and now realize that my dishonesty is worse than my inability to come out to my spouse. I have made the decision to put my infidelity on hold until I am able to come out. Twenty years ago I chose to marry a narcissist and have chosen to stay in our codependent relationship. My situation will end up in divorce with two daughters that adore me, a wife that will play the victim role and cause problems, all of this without my coming out. I have made the conscious decision to delay my coming out until we are apart, as I realize that my being bi/gay is not the core reason for our dysfunction.

We all walk different paths, many with similar turns. EC is a wonderful place to find solace and advice from many. Be well in your journey, take care of yourself - J

 

Patagonia,
Thanks so much for your message! This is a big reason why I really like EC. Keep in touch to let me know how you're doing.

 

djnx1, if I can add my own thoughts. I was in this position just over 2 years ago - I've a thread on the site if you have the time to go through all the advice and guidance these guys gave me. It was completely invaluable to me.

In summary, I am living on my own, close to where my kids live. My ex and I enjoy a very close relationship, like very close friends, and we are still very much a part of each others lives. I see and spend time with kids regularly. I have a bf (partner) who has met my ex, who my kids adore, and who I have been seeing for over a year and a half. I came to a conclusion that although I loved my wife as a person, my attraction towards men (and one specific man) was too much for me to ignore and deny. Once I admitted that I was gay, to myself, I couldn't go back. I felt I'd be lying to myself and that in doing that I'd be so much more unhappy than I ever was in the closet and in denial. My ex and I have worked very hard to make sure our kids haven't suffered in all of this, that they still have a stable life and they still know that I am a huge part of their lives. They are so good with my partner and absolutely love him.

I won't deny it wasn't hard - and sometimes on the odd day I get a huge pang of sadness at the past or my ex and I have a bad day and get irritated with each other (but generally we are less irritated with each other now than when we were married and together!) - but I am happy now. I am honest with myself. I am honest with her and my kids. I am completely out, and have no problem at all talking to people about my life, my male partner, and planning my future with him.

Now that you have come to start thinking about it, giving it 'headspace' and contemplating the concept, it may become harder and harder to push it to the back of your mind and carry on as if it didn't happen/exist. Coming here to talk about things will help to get clarity. At the end of the day, you need to be clear in your own mind whatever the decision you make is.

 

What id say is that things can exist. Relationships can "exist" and you never really understand why they just don't feel like they ought to. But you just get on with life. You put it down to all sorts of other things. Work, kids, parents, money, time starved, lack of exercise, lack of sex, and so on. Then one day something happens that means you can't go on thinking of all the other reasons it might be. For me it was meeting someone who I instantly knew I was attracted to. It was a click. And at that point I realised that I was truly gay and couldn't deny it any longer. There comes those moments where there is something like that or such a build up of pressure either through discontentment or emotional unhappiness for example, that brings it to a head.

It's so hard to look at the family and take a positive action to disassemble what you have and then spend time rebuilding life in a new form. Honesty is, I found, the best way forward. Honesty with my wife and kids and ultimately with myself. I am probably the calmest and happiest I have been in my entire life. It's not an easy road but for me it was about being authentic to myself first and foremost. Yes my kids are important and my ex"s happiness was very important too I've worked hard to make sure they are taken care of and that I can still be a loyal friend to her and a great dad to my kids.

Take your time. You'll figure it out.

 

:icon_sad:

I agree completely. I even had my oldest daughter mention one day how much calmer I seem now. And she was surprised to hear me actually talking about myself positively (things I want, etc....). I think they just kinda knew I always put myself last.
And yeah, some things have been difficult as hell, but my sexuality isn't something I dwell on as much as I used to.

 

I would like to reply to your post, and explain that I am almost exactly in your situation...but several steps ahead down the road. If you would like to read my full introduction last month, you can read here. But, to summarize, I have been in a mixed-orientation marriage for over 13 years. However, I left my wife in July of this year and we have been in the process of both of us trying to get custody, so it has been one of those contentious divorces.

I think the differences between the two of us may be the quality of our relationships with our wives. Mine was very poor and dysfunctional. My wife is a bully and a narcissist, so I mostly got out of the marriage because she was making me so miserable, and I want to pull my kids away from the horrible influence of their mother.

So, the heart of my message to you is this: I knew I was gay also around 10-12. I wouldn't acknowledge it and accept it as anything real until I was well into my 20s. By then, I was married and we had started having children. Yes, being gay and married to a woman is very, very difficult. I remember that I just cried a lot. I would lay in bed many times after waking up and just cry because I felt so trapped and powerless to change my situation. But, even with all of that, my wife made me even more miserable. If things were a lot different, though, and my relationship with my wife was healthy and positive, I am not sure that I would have left her. My love for my children and my desire for my children to have the constant love of their mother and father 24/7 probably would have made me stay until at least they were much older. I can't say completely that I would have still stayed, because I was still awfully miserable just because of our mixed-orientation marriage.

I think the point is, there is no "one path" that we all must exactly follow. The timing for me to finally come around and get out of my marriage was a lot longer than it was for others. However, I got out a lot earlier than many others do. Some never leave their marriage. I think it comes down to what will make you the happiest in life. And I don't think anyone gets out of a mixed-orientation marriage until they reach rock bottom. That is exactly what I had to do. I feared the worst when I did. I thought everyone would laugh at me, betray me, call me disgusting, and totally reject me. To my great surprise, very little of that has happened. I have actually felt more love from others in these past several months than I have in probably my whole life. It was all in my head before, and it probably is in yours too, that the absolute worst imaginable pain and rejection would take place if you did come out and separate from your spouse.

It's interesting...you mention that you compartmentalize and hate disappointing people. That's me---100%. Wow. So, a big reason I stayed was because it would be disappointing to so many others. But, when I finally hit rock bottom and left, suddenly I was ACTIVELY taking charge of my life. And it felt GOOD! Boy, this was an entirely foreign concept for me. I'm doing something that I actually want to do....imagine that! Once I took the plunge and left my wife, I suddenly didn't give a rat's behind about what anyone else in my community thought about it. It took me standing up for myself and actually following through with my greatest desire to finally be able to not obsess so much about what everyone else is going to think. Now that several months have passed, I am so much more confident in who I am and what I want.

So, to sum up, while I think there is a great deal of value in you staying with your wife because of the kids, assuming you have a decent relationship with your wife, you are still, technically stuck. You are not living authentically and are living a life determined by what you think everyone else wants for you. I'm not sure that it would be possible to be confident in who you are as a person while you are still towing the line and doing what has been expected of you your whole life, when you honestly want and need something different.

Having said that, it all goes back to timing. You may acknowledge that you are not as confident in yourself as you want to be and definitely not as happy as you want to be, but that certainly does not mean that you drop everything this very moment and leave your family. It's all about timing. You have to be emotionally strong enough to go through with the change, and certainly there are a multitude of other variables to consider that perhaps only you know about. It may be that your timing would be when your children are older and can fully comprehend why you are doing what you are doing, and they will still be able to trust you enough to want to fully maintain contact. If my wife's craziness and abuse wasn't in the picture, I would still be together with my family. My children are just too young to fully comprehend what is going on. They are so confused and hurt. My wife is working diligently to turn them against me. And it kills me. But, even with all the pain they are going under, I wouldn't have changed anything. I needed to leave. It was the right timing for me. After a few years have passed, things will work themselves out. Hopefully I will get custody too.

My friend, you are not alone. There are so many that are exactly in your shoes. You feel so alone right now, I'm sure. And you probably have for a long time. I hope you really find here that you are not alone. I'm sending you an e-hug right now!!! Things will get better. You will be able to be fully happy one day, I'm sure of it.

(&&&)

 

JJC, that is tremendous advice! I will take what you recommend and apply what I can to my situation. Your story is heart breaking. Choices that affect your kids are very tough. However,I can tell by your words you are a good man and father and they will always love you (even when those times come when it seems they don't). Thanks again for the insight. Best wishes!

 

Hey djnx1,

I have no advice but I am completely in your shoes. I love my wife very much. We have such great family time together and my kids mean everything to me. I absolutely love spending this time together.

However, there is such a longing for me to be with another man. I haven't yet but I think about it all the time. It has been really difficult with my wife. The other night, we tried once again at intimacy. I really enjoyed the kissing and cuddling but I couldn't go through with the sex. I couldn't get my mind/desire in that place. It has been like this for a long time. She ends up thinking it is her but of course it isn't.

Then I go off to work today and spend a bunch of time online looking at pictures of guys making out and wanting that so badly. I can't imagine destroying my life right not but I am so depressed that I will never have the relationship I would like with another man - one that is sexual, romantic, and emotional.

I am still not sure if I am gay or not and don't want to take such a big step. At least the life I lead now is something that I know. I can't imagine coming out.

 

Maybgayguy: my story too. Exactly. Someone wrote earlier that it's all about timing. I believe that's true. In the meantime, don't be reckless. Think before you act. Imagine the consequences. Nothing would be worse than losing contact with your kids. I do hope your dreams come true. For now though, for me and you and so many others, that dream might just have to wait.

 

This entire thread reads like a screenplay written about my life and what is an incessant cannonade of thoughts in my head and emotions in my heart.

In an earlier comment, I told you that I had come out to my wife on October 15th. I didn't really get to finish the comment or elaborate much because she came home from work a bit earlier than usual.

Once the immediate shock and pain wore off, she *seemed* to be accepting it ok, even joking that we would be like Will and Grace. She even suggested an open marriage. Since this initial levity, things have gotten much, much worse. She has begged me to stay in the marriage, to keep the lid on, to work to find "us" again. The hardest thing has been seeing this unspeakable pain I have inflicted on her. We have both cried the most guttural, animalistic sobs. She vacillates between complete self-deprecation, saying how stupid she is not to have seen it and to have believed that our marriage was perfect, that she was living the fairytale and saying how unfair it is to me, that she knows she is killing me. She knows things can and will never "be the same."

I actually saw a therapist BEFORE I told her. I explained to him that my fear wasn't being gay, it was destroying her. He reassured me and told me it was the right thing to do. Now, I wish I had never told her. I wish I had continued to attempt to live a double life.

My catalyst for coming out was a deep, suicidal depression brought about by losing my boyfriend. I was deeply in love with him, our families had met. But then his wife completely inadvertently found Google chat messages... not enough to prove that we were lovers but enough to arouse lots of suspicion and for her to threaten leaving him and taking the kids. I always told him I would take a bullet for him and his family... losing him was the bullet I had to take to protect him. It's been 7 months since things went to hell and he's since ceased all communication with me. One of our mutual friends told me last week : "He's long gone. He has no intention of ever seeing you again."

So here I am once again floating on this raft in the middle of nowhere, with no land in sight, in this state of suspended animation that has characterised my life... defeately resigned.

 

Exactly. We have out gay family members and friends so she intellectually understands when it involves other people, but it wasn't supposed to happen to her.

I agree that it's completely unfair, it sucks, it hurts. The GIANT dilemma is that I DO love her, but I know that I can't be the husband she wants and deserves. She says she'll "be grateful for whatever I can give her." I am terrified that we are both going to end up angry, bitter and unfulfilled.

There were tears again yesterday morning because she was trying to initiate sex and even though I can physically do it, I was nauseated at the thought of it from an emotional point of view so I basically just laid there unresponsive. She got out of the bed and I found her crying in the bathtub.

I'm so scared to hurt her any more than I already have and sex is obviously a commitment to the relationship that I know I can't honour anymore. It's excruciating.

 

TAXODIUM, your story about what happened yesterday sparked some thoughts, and I thought I would reply. But, my reply grew to include other thoughts that have been swimming around my brain for the past several days. So, I created a new thread instead. You can read my reply here.

I am enjoying this thread. Djnx1 and others, I know so well the pain of hurting others. I held on for so long for the sake of my children. They are the best things to ever have happened in my life. It's quite dramatic, but it came down to this: I could not stay in the hell that I was living in. About a year ago or so, I realized that I was eventually going to either kill myself or get a divorce and live as I needed to. It wasn't until I woke up one day and realized that my kids would actually be better off if I divorced, and I could see them even occasionally. By doing this, my kids would be able to know the real me...not some watered down version of man who had no spine and who wasn't happy. Also, my kids could also get a view of life outside of the grips of their mother. That could provide them with a little hope for their future.

My heart goes out to each of you. Please hang in there. Our similar stories and feelings make me want to reach through the computer and just hug you guys. I think there is a purpose to life, and I don't think it is all about sacrificing our own happiness until the day we die.

 

Highlander2...thanks for the post. I have a question for you. I consider myself bi (as my screen name indicates) but am wondering about love versus being in love. I love my wife but sometimes I wonder if I'm in love with her or ever have been. How would you describe the difference in feelings you have for your wife and bf?

Anyone else is free to answer this general question about love and being in love.

Thanks.

 

I've posted this before, but it still seems to me the best explanation of what happens to us when we really do fall "in love":

(From Amazon review of Amity Buxton's book “Unseen, Unheard”)
This important work treats the subject of spouses married to men or women who later discover that their sexuality is not in agreement with the sexuality of the person they married. Spouses of these men and women feel a great loss and anger when they realize that their spouses are homosexuals or lesbians; they often feel cheated and lied to and have a very difficult time recovering; but in time recover they do. These same people can then transcend the horror and emerge more powerful often embracing a rarefied human awareness that sometimes borders on the mystical.

Something that remains surprising is that many of these men and women can participate in seemingly enjoyable sex with their spouses and even express *a form* of intense love towards them, but one day they discover outside their marital bond that they are fully completed with a person of their own gender; the sex and and intimacy they experience for their own gender appears blissful by comparison, and when they fall in love it transcends what they came to know in their marital domain as well as all prior intimate relations with opposite gender partners. When that discovery is made, it is as though their emotions and sexuality after being blurred for years come into a razor sharp focus and the shadows cast on the wall of their existential caves suddenly reveal themselves as a blinding source of light exposing their true nature in full color. Needless to say, this then precipitates a series of events leading to a breakup, a phenomena that has been observed in over 93% of cases.

 

Thanks Weston. That was helpful.

More input is welcome from all. Thanks.

 

Wow. That was a powerful read Weston. Thanks for posting. The idea of clarity and companionship with another man does sound wonderful.

 

Wow. This is pretty much exactly what happened with me. It was like a big, bright light came on and I felt really alive and awake for the first time.