What are you thinking?

Having a family friend come over for pizza. And my new yellow/gold tea tree rose has a flower already. Life is going pretty well, time for something bad to happen!

 

Its April and its snowing!!!

 

Great. I feel like crap and my birthday is tommorow. Just great....

 

They want me to talk to the girl tonight.

I know I need to leave. It's a lot harder now that they know. I'm trying with my all my soul to give them time to get out of denial.

I'm being self destructive by staying. But, in my head they might one day turn around. I need to think more. And gain my ground. All I have ON HAND is a secured credit card with a max of 300, my ID, and my clothes are still at the LGBTQ+ place in Charlotte. I've E-mailed them multiple times saying for them to keep my clothes.

I don't have my bank card. Which, is a issue.

I'm so torn.

 

I just told my friend I love her(platonically!) for the first time, which is weird because we never say that to each other.

---------- Post added 17th Apr 2016 at 01:14 AM ----------

Okay so she didn't say it back but I know she luvs me too.
I hope.

 

You don't have the time to wait. It could take years, and you won't be feeling any happier. Instead of giving you space, they seem to be doing everything in their power to roll back what little progress you've made.

It's called loving yourself (*hug*) Stand your ground. Make preparations. People will let you down, so it's up to you to make things work in the end.

 

(!!)(!) My mother bought a new blender and it seems pretty tough so hopefully it will last more than 5 days. I'm hapy she wants to eat healthier, the food is much yummier.

:eusa_danc

 

Aww jeez. I called the cops on a bunch of guys who rolled up on my property. Turns out they were my grandpa's friends. So I had to cancel the dispatch.

Fuck I feel stupid. Just glad the cops didn't come up after all and hassle with a bunch of people who were just here to help cut down some dead trees...

 

So glad it's my day off. Omfg.

 

Glad to see you again, Steve. Get some rest and do something fun, yeah?

 

Me and my friend get in the car to find out she left her lights on and it killed the battery. We spent 30 minutes trying to contact people, meanwhile getting the jumper cables ready. Everyone we know was busy but luckily a nice lady gave us a jump.

 

I'd get out. From what I've heard about your current situation (I've been reading along when I come in to post here) I don't think you've got much of a choice. The alternative is staying behind and letting your parents completely destroy you. It obviously won't be easy, but I'd get out as soon as you can. I don't see this ending well for you if you don't.

 

I will definitely do that, haha

 

8 weeks of school left. What shall I do?

 

Our family is in constant conflict, my mom won't stop bitching about money and school and shot, and I'm tired. That's the only way I can describe how I feel about this. I'm tired.

 

I would go honestly. :\ I'd talk to that LGBTQ+ place, see if they can hook you up with work opportunities. It might seem hard now but think of what life's going to be like in the long run.

 

Because I'm basically let in on that to no end.

Since I pretty much don't feel like I have any safe place online now really, I've been trying to take measures offline a bit more, to no avail. It seems like if it isn't one thing it's another. It's a constant vice versa between ignorant fam and other lgbt folk.

The thing is, I'm not even looking for love or a relationship or anything like that(I don't believe there's someone out there, nor do I care anyways), but it doesn't matter apparently. It matters not that me and x lgbt person share similar interests and could become good friends... some kinda understanding; apparently my not being fair-skinned makes me unattractive on a level beyond 'interest'.

Do -I- see myself as unattractive based on that? Of course not. It doesn't help though when you're in this type of crossroads of sorts and it feels like the entire rest of the universe not only finds you unattractive based on that one -minor- factor, but also has you basically marked as a complete undesirable due to it.

Please, just take the advice of getting away. I'm working on a similar issue so know that it's easier said than done, but you really can't reason with people like your family. They're the kind of people who make you wish ill will on someone...

 

One week full of dysphoria and a BPD meltdown later...and I'm reverting back to my 16 year old self where I want to do nothing but watch anime, stuff my face, listen to Marilyn Manson, and cry all day.