I am really thorn and all day everyday I am feeling anxiety/unease. I wish I could settle to a label but I can't, I am trying not to be in denial, but even then I don't feel trans enough, and feel like I will always be stuck in the middle. What can I do to feel at peace? Reasons why I think I'm transgender 1. I am too feminine, I love glamour and I act like a diva. 2. I love the style and relate a lot more with strong old women like Gabrielle Chanel, and María Félix than with old straight men. 3. I like long hair, heels and a lot of female clothes. 4. I envy beautiful, strong women, and I like more the female aesthetic than the male's. 5. I think the female shape is beautiful, women are naturally better looking than most men. 6. I like when others are kind to me, I'd like other people to think I'm beautiful, and lately I'm liking some female nouns. 7. I identify with a lot more with women than straight men. 8. I am very submisive in bed and sometimes like to watch straight porn. 9. If I could turn out as a cis woman I would do it. 10. People say that if you question your gender you are most likely trans, and I've been questioning for 3 months and I still can't feel completely cisgender. 11. Cis people wouldn't have a list this long. Reasons why I don't think I'm transgender (more like gender non-conforming) 1. I feel like a man deep down. 2. I envision my life as a man (same-sex couple, grandpa, etc). 3. I like most male clothes. 4. I admire and want to be like other men. 5. I like my body and my genitals, have no real desire to pursue HRT or SRS, and I feel like transitoning won't make me happier? 6. I have always identified with male pronouns and I don't mide them at all. 7. I like feeling like a man, and if I were to transition I feel like I'd miss male things. 9. I am already 21, and most people realize younger than that, or if they realize later, it is most of the time because of ignorance and they immidiately know after doing some research, I have known about transgender people for years now, I only begun to question 3 months ago, I have done a lot of research, and I still don't think I'm transgender. 10. I've heard that when trans people see themselves in the mirror, they see themselves on their target gender in certaing angles and like it; I like it when I see male features and I've tried to see my body as a woman and I feel like it doesn't cause the same effect. 11. Trans people wouldn't have a list this long. The problem isn't really about the label, it is about understanding what I want, I don't know what I want. :help:
First of, trans people would definitive have a list that long if not longer! Second, it doesn't exactly like you want to be a woman, but not like you're cis either. Maybe you're something towards gender fluid, gender queer, or maybe you just enjoy some female aesthetics?
Yeah I think I'm somewhere in between, but the problem isn't really about the label, it more is about understanding what I want, I don't know what I want. I am also having trouble accepting or embracing how I am which is what is really causing my anxiety. I don't know what to do or with direction to take to feel whole.
What I try and think when I feel like that, which I do alot is just these simple words "It's alright, doesn't matter what others think.", it's not that easy but try and really focus on those words. Now it might seem like it's all about your own thoughts about this but a lot of the time there's worries that you're not "right" among others. Try and just live, feel in the moment... I know this feel very odd but..
I definitely think you are trans "enough" or whatever label you feel you'd like to use. Your own opinion is the only "access card" to the transgender club you need. No approval from anyone else. This realization is much more powerful than you probably realize. Your lack of self-acceptance is causing your problems with anxiety. This lack of self-acceptance is in turn a natural by-product of societys lack of understanding and compassion towards people on the transgender spectrum. But it also means that something can be done to make you feel as good about yourself as you deserve. Personally, I have gotten a ton out of therapy and self-compassion mediation. But perhaps you are not ready for that or perhaps it is not possible for you right now. Is there anything you can do for yourself right now? Just a small step?
Thanks for the advice! Well I am not really pursuing to label myself as transgender, I'd rather try to find a solution to my problems without having to change gender. I think you are right about the self-acceptance thing, I am really trying but it's not easy. Do you know any resources about how to go about it (like books, websites, techniques, etc.)? That thing you said about self-compassion mediation really caught my attention. Any advice or recommendation will be much appreciated!
No, self-acceptance is not easy. Personally I like the work of Brené Brown, although her work is more related to shame and vulnerability than self-compassion per se (though very related to self-compassion). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o Kristin Neff is one of the more famous researchers in this areaa: Self-Compassion https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4 I also recommend Tara Brachs work on Radical Acceptance: Books & CDs - Tara Brach In the end, what was most transformational for me was an 8-week course in mindful self-compassion. But of course it takes (financial)ressources that not everyone may have: Christopher Germer, PhD, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion; clinical psychologist specializing in the application of Buddhist psychology and meditation, conducts the mindful self-compassion skills training workshop. There are also exercises for download at that site. Just let me know if you want some more information. And feel free to PM for questions Take care
Seeing as you said: "I feel like a man deep down", "I envision my life as a man (same-sex couple, grandpa, etc)", "I like my body and my genitals, have no real desire to pursue HRT or SRS, and I feel like transitoning won't make me happier?", "I have always identified with male pronouns and I don't mind them at all", and "I like feeling like a man, and if I were to transition I feel like I'd miss male things", I really don't think you're trans. I honestly don't think you're even nonbinary. It sounds like you're a very gender noncomforming cis man. Your list of why you think you might be trans almost exclusively has to do with gender expression and stereotypes, not actual gender, which is definitely something a lot of people mix up. Being GNC can be confusing too, and it can be really difficult to find a gender expression that makes you feel the most comfortable. I think you have two main things to focus on as your next steps. First, gender expression. Being a guy doesn't mean you can't wear dresses and have long hair and whatnot. Start thinking about how you would want to look and what you would want to wear that would make you most comfortable. When you're first thinking about this, don't worry about what other people would think. Just figure out what would be ideal for you. Second, self acceptance. There's no such thing as "too feminine" to be a man. You don't have to be in between genders to like dresses and be a diva. You don't have to force yourself to ID as male if it doesn't feel right, but you said yourself, you feel like a man deep inside, so I think that trying to accept yourself as a feminine, gender nonconforming man would really help you feel better about your identity.
I know the transgender term is not used entirely consistent. But I don't agree with your definition. Most definitions I see include both variant gender identity and/or variant gender expression. One such definition is:Answers to Your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression Transgender is an umbrella term for persons whose gender identity, gender expression or behavior does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth. Another one is: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender Transgender people experience a mismatch between their gender identity or gender expression and their assigned sex So I don't believe transgender only has to do with gender identity, which to my understanding is what you indicate.
I strongly disagree with that definition. By that definition, pretty much everyone is transgender (because if it includes "behavior [that] does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth", that means that every single woman that is not submissive and every man that doesn't like sports is transgender because they go against the behavior typically associated with their assigned sex), making the term entirely useless. People who define transgender as having to do with gender identity, gender expression, and behavior are allowing crossdressers, drag queens, and simply anyone who doesn't fit stereotypes to identity as transgender, and that is not a useful word to have. I, a dysphoric trans male, have nothing in common with a nondysphoric drag queen who dresses up for fun. There is no reason for us to share a label, but under that definition we would both be trans. The definition I have seen most widely used and accepted by trans people is that transgender means having a gender identity that does not line up with the sex you were assigned at birth. It has nothing to do with presentation or stereotypes. That is not gender; that is just gender roles. I lean somewhat towards a more conservative belief about gender, and I define my gender by what I want to be physically (while also considering some social aspects). Still, even the most liberal queer theorists define gender by what you feel inside, whether you feel like a man or a woman. You literally said, "I feel like a man deep down." Unless you don't think that's true, I really don't think you're trans, at least not by any useful definition of the word.
Since the early 90's the term transgender has been used as an umbrella term. This is the dominant interpretation today, though you may not agree with it. I don't think the boundaries between people with variant gender identity vs. the ones with variant gender expression is nearly as clear cut as you indicate. It is f.ex. well established that a majority of male to female transsexuals start out as crossdressers. This is likely due to suppression or denial. Later they discover deeper truths about themselves, but the transgendered part was really there all along. I think the umbrella interpretation of being transgender is much better than a narrow interpretation. Why should any gender dysphoric person be kept ouf of the transgender community just because they may at a point in time use labels as crossdresser, genderqueer etc. about themselves? (I am not too informed about drag queens and their motivations - I don't know if they are typically dysphoric, but I guess not)
There is nothing wrong with using the term transgender however you want, what is important is knowing the meaning it has in the context it is being used, for most cases (such as this one) we are trying to figure out if we are transgender in the narrow interpretation. Thats why there is some trouble with the question "If you are wondering if you are trans you probably are". If we are talking about the umbrella term this claim is most likely true, because you are having some trans behaviour and that puts you under the umbrella. But what I am trying to figure out is if I'm transgender as in MtF, so the narrow definition is more useful in this case. There is also the word "transexual" but there is debate on the definition of this term aswell.
It can be harmful for a person to identify as transgender when they are not. Gender is an integral part of a person's identity and someone cisgender who is a crossdresser should not feel the need identify as transgender just because they have an atypical style of expression. Darkcomesoon is correct, you simply can't tie in gender expression to gender identity in such a way because it means that nearly every person in existence is non binary to some extent. The term non binary becomes irrelevant.
Thanks for the advice!!! I must admit that I started that list a little while ago, and I wrote the phrase "I feel like a man deep down" when I was still hooked up on the fact that I had to be male. Now I kind of stopped forcing it and it is still somewhat true but I am just trying to be me more than trying to be a man. This is right in the spot. It is a struggle because in my mind it doesn't make a lot of sense that I identify as a man, but my behaviour and everything I do say otherwise. The incongruence is really conflicting. The truth is that one of the reasons I never questioned my gender is because I always saw people who were more effeminate than me on youtube and still identified as men, I really liked their personalities and identified a lot with them. But the many of them came out as trans. So I was kind of standing in the edge between "am I just gay? or am I like them and in some time will I identify as trans to?". So I no longer had many other people who identified as gay but still were more feminine than me, I guess you could say I lost that certainty. There are others such as Joey Graceffa that kind of make me feel better, but I don't know what is going on in their head, weather they have felt the same way or not, if they have ever questioned their gender before and things like that. I still feel like I am "more likely trans" than them, because I can be even slightly more feminine than them and because I am questioning my gender but many of them never do. If I can convince myself that there's no such thing as "too feminine" to be a man, or find people that feel the same way as me or have been through this and still identify as a man, I will be able to feel better about my identity.
