Married and Confused

Hey - glad you're here. It's hard, all of this stuff. I went through this a year ago with my (not yet ex) husband; he was depressed and withdrawn and could not deal with anything well. He had come to terms with being gay and didn't know how to process that in terms of a marriage to me.

I'd hope that you are able to talk to your wife and let her know where you are, that you're struggling, but also to reassure her that you still love her very much, even if you are not compatible in this way. I would hope that, for both of your sakes and the sake of your girls, that she is able to process this - I'll tell you it takes time and space, so be ready for that - because that will make things so much better for all of you. Also, unfortunately, you have to be prepared that she will take it poorly and will make things hard for you.

It might help, before you talk to her, to find a counselor to come out to, or at least a very good friend. Someone who will work through this with you and help you get there.

Also, you may want to check out the LGBT Later in Life forum - lots of us "older", married with kids sorts over there. And most are in your position, not mine! Wishing you the best, and peace as you sort through all this.

 

Yes come join us there. Not everyone who comes out is a teenager. Sometimes we only realize it at 40, 50, 60, 70+...

It's never too late to examine it. And it could be a cause of the other issues, or at least a contributing factor. Can you see any LGBT counselors in your area?

 

I feel like (and can so relate to) the thought of not being sure which option would be better is always the issue. Heck, I still fear that I may not like dating guys, that it will turn out I was just sexually interested in guys like I always thought, and the loss of my relationship with a woman will be for nothing and it will turn out I could have just fixed things with us.

 

Welcome. It's a bitch, isn't it?

My best suggestion: Try and treat your anxiety and depression with meds and see if you regain clarity.

1. You could be gay.

2. One hard answer you didn't mention is you could be bi and just not able to fulfill your gay urges in the context of marriage. In that case you'll be like me and COS and racheal (all who commented above); feeling super interested in same-sex people but unable to justify leaving a marriage.

Regardless of what you decide, you'll need to have the anxiety and depression better in hand to deal with the fallout of either conclusion.

 

This sounds tough indeed. Perhaps the panic attacks have made you reexamine life where you look for things you could be missing. This is a very dangerous path to take, as life can be interpreted to be nothing but perpetual missed opportunities, if you wanted to view it this way. From your post, I don't see which part of your current life makes you truly unsatisfied. Regardless of sexual orientation, we all have unexplored sexual curiosities or think about our ex or potential partners of our past. What could have been, is always a fantasy we entertain. It becomes a threat when you either 1.start fixating on the possibility of missing out as I stated above, or 2. you're truly not happy with the current situation and you are unconsciously looking for a way out. Do you think you'd fall under either one of those options?

Can you elaborate on why you thought you were gay? From your past, it seems like you are bisexual. Why did you suddenly have this thought, and how justified is it?

 

Hi CR. The one thing that keeps surprising me here is how many of us there are in similar situations. I'm pretty new on this path - so my advice is simply to keep swimming and not give up. The solutions are vast and varied, but in exploring through the archives, there seems to be a lot of hope that things can get better.

I'm one of those people here who woke up to my bi-ness quite recently, and have been dealing with panic, anxiety, depression, anger, shame and a whole slew of negative emotions ever since. I've tried to reject it (didn't work), tried to ignore it (didn't work), and am working on trying to integrate it into my daily life.

Someone asked me what I'd ask of my spouse, if I could ask him for anything, and while it's one of the best questions, I realize I have no effing clue. My body and my brain tell me I want freedom to explore, but my heart is firmly in the monogamy camp. I spend a lot of time angry about not having known this about myself. I spend a lot of time crying. And, I can't figure out why, in a happy marriage, being bi makes things any different. I've always been attracted to men, and it's not like I've ever felt this confusion before. What's the deal???

Maybe, though, that question will help *you*?

 

I'm working on living in the present, too. Time travel would be so convenient, and yet I don't wish my current life away. I *do* have hope in the future. It's not always easy to remember that, but it's true.

There's nothing simple about this, no. But you sound like you're working toward peace. Best!

 

As someone who only really came to terms with his bisexuality in his late twenties in the context of a committed relationship to a straight opposite sex partner, I feel for all of you on this thread, and wish you all the best, and will offer you some thoughts from my own experience that I hope prove helpful.

In my case, I broke up with my ex once because I thought I was gay. I had some relationships and sex with men, realized I was in fact bi, and we got back together and got married. We later ended up divorcing for entirely different reasons related to incompatible communication.

I have since further explored my sexuality, dating men, women, and trans people. And I've conclusively found that I'm bisexual (or perhaps pansexual?), and definitely neither gay nor straight. I've also since realized that I'm happiest dating other bisexual/queer/pan people, typically queer women. I'm now partnered to a queer woman that I deeply love. I will call her E in this post.

One thing that I've really struggled with is feeling somehow disloyal to a partner (of whatever gender) because of my feelings for people of gender other than my partner's.

For example, a couple months into dating E, I had a "oh my god, I might be gay" freak out and temporarily suspended our relationship for a couple weeks. The reason? I started looking at gay porn and trans man porn, and then started feeling really ashamed and disloyal to my partner.

This was really painful, because I really liked E and missed her, but was terrified of hurting her in the future and of being untrue to myself. And it wasn't the first time it has happened to me.

I didn't want to loose E, and decided I had to answer the question of my sexuality once and for all. I did a lot of reading, and some writing. I talked extensively to one of my closest friends -who is gay - and got his opinion on my sexuality. And, perhaps most importantly for me, I talked to a well known therapist who specializes in helping men discern their sexuality, and who also happens to be a gay man. He helped me to realize that I'm bisexual, in large part because men who are truly gay - have little authentic sexual interest in women, although they might be able to fake it. But deep down its not authentic.

Through this, I gained clarity, and E and I got back together. But despite my clarity, I still struggled with the feelings of shame and betrayal around my same sex feelings and fantasies.

Luckily, E has been wonderfully supportive, and we've been able to talk about it a lot. It helps that she's also bisexual and has experienced similar feelings. Among other things, she has encouraged me to accept and enjoy and not hide my same sex sexual fantasies and has reassured me that she's not threatened by them and that they don't make me disloyal to her. In fact, I'm lucky because she tells me those fantasies sometimes turn her on.

Through this, I realized that my feeling of disloyalty was not real, but rather a manifestation of my own shame and internalized homophobia. I've had to do the work to unlearn my mental habits of suppressing my fantasies and feeling shameful about them, and worrying that they will ruin my opposite sex fantasies. And no matter how supportive a partner I had, only I could do that work. And, I'm proud to report, I've had some success.

Now, when I have a same sex fantasy, I usually just enjoy it. Sometimes, if its particularly hot, I share it with E. When E asks me about my day, I'll often include my gay porn watching in my list if that's what I'm up to.

And you know what? It only seems to bring us closer together. She is moved (and sometimes turned on) on by my honesty and forthrightness and vulnerability. And I feel fully seen by her as the entire, fully complex person that I am. It very loving and healing.

In fact, being open to the full breadth of my sexuality improves my desire for sex with E and women generally. I think that when one cuts off a part of their erotic self, one damages their entire capacity for erotic feeling.

Anyhow, I realize that not everyone has a partner as open as mine. In that I am fortunate.

But the lesson here is that allowing yourself to enjoy the full breadth of your sexual fantasies is not disloyal to your partner, but rather loyalty to yourself and your partner. We owe ourselves and our partners our most authentic selves. That is how we build trust in a relationship.

---------- Post added 11th Dec 2015 at 08:30 PM ----------

Sorry for such a long post there - I kind of got on a rant. I hope it was helpful somehow.

ColoradoRyan, have you and your wife discussed the possibility of opening the relationship so that you can experiment? It is not the only way to explore your sexuality, but for some people it is very illuminating.

I understand that monogamy is very important to many people, but it is not the only kind of fidelity - honesty and long-term commitment are arguably more important - and don't assume that monogamy is necessarily the most important thing for your wife.

It is not for everyone, but there are ways to open relationships slowly and cautiously so that everyone feels safe and respected. It does not necessarily have to become a free for all.

 

Hi Ryan. Definitely relating to much of your experience.

Married with great kids
Anxiety and panic attacks
In my twenties I had fallen in love with a man.
Now after years of marriage I have come to terms with being bisexual but also am questioning being gay. Love my wife and want to keep the family together, but don't want to string my wife along because if I am gay it is extremely unfair to not end the relationship and let her move on.
Some days I'm like "I guess I'm not" then a week later it's "Oh! I guess I am." I never was intimate with a man though which I feel like leaves me with a lot of unanswered questions. But, it's interesting that you have had experience and still question.

Anyway glad you found us. Look forward to seeing more of your posts.

 

Add me to the club, guys! I have moments where I feel totally at peace and accepting that surely I am gay, and surely I just need to go off and live my life as a gay man and let the chips fall where they may. But then I have days where it feels totally wrong, where I'm awfully sure that my attraction to men is just sexual and doesn't have to define me, and I can just make my relationship with my wife work out and call it a day. After all, it's all I ever wanted, right? To be married to a smart, beautiful, intelligent woman with the potential to have kids and a family and all that. Yet something just continues to not feel right.

It reminds me of my dog, in a way. Follow me here. When she gets overwhelmed on the street walking, when there are tons of people around and she's just afraid, she stands really still, digs her heels into the ground, and refuses to move. Like that will somehow solve all of her problems.

Really, that just leaves her in prime position to be trampled over.

 

Hi all, just wanted to chime in and say I can relate a lot.

As a teenager I only thought about girls, until age 18 when I realized I was/could be gay. It was a shocking moment that totally threw me. For many years I kept those fantasies very private. I had relationships and casual sex with women, which I wanted and pursued.

I met an amazing girl a few years ago and we got married in 2013. The gay feelings kept recurring. I went to see an OCD specialist for awhile because of the debilitating anxiety. Eventually I decided that it wasn't just an anxiety disorder and started seeing a gay therapist. I separated from my wife about a year ago, but we are still in touch regularly.

Now I'm in a kind of limbo. I've experimented with a few guys but no fireworks. I think I'm more relationship oriented with men. I can't do casual hookups. I guess it's because I'm like a gay virgin, even though I never had a problem with casual sex with women.

I miss my wife terribly. I constantly wish she were back with me. But I'm not even sure I could have sex with her at this point. I also don't really know how to meet guys in a casual, non-hookup setting. And I'm also struggling with the gay vs. bi question. I've always looked at bi men with suspicion. But Qbear's post gives me a lot of hope.

The other thing I struggle with a lot is just having a sense of personal identity around others. I had dinner tonight with some people that I don't know too well, and I felt like a wallflower. This happens a lot. I just don't know what to talk about. All I think about is my own situation. It really makes me feel isolated from other humans.

Anyways, there's my 2 cents.

 

I am in a similar situation...here in Denver too. I don't give advice, but I can share my experience.

I only recently have had some peace when it comes to being married but wanting to be with guys too. I have done a lot of inner child work and believe much of my divided heart has to do with being raised with profound emotional neglect. My attraction to men is still there, but it doesn't 'dominate' my mind like it used to and I've come to understand much of what drove my thoughts wasn't sex with men but needing connection. I'm not anywhere close to having it all figured out, but I enjoy when I do experience a respite.

 

Hi guys, Wow this is interesting and very relevant to me. For many many years I had a 'something is not right' feeling with my relationships and marriage (to women, I'm a guy). Although I'm still muddled I now have space to think and do as I please. I've had 2 years of getting my head together and with the new year ahead... I'm going to explore my 'gayness'. It scares the hell out of me, but unless I face my fears I will not move forward. X x