Thanks folks! Dad has been ill so I'm not sure if he's ready to hear this just now and don't want to add any unnecessary stress. ---------- Post added 8th Dec 2015 at 11:52 PM ---------- Do you think it's OK that I haven't used the gay word? I've never been comfortable with labels and don't want to put myself in a box. I think it's really unlikely that I'd be with a woman again ( I did have a long-term relationship with a woman and my last sexual relationship was with one) but, does this keep the door slightly ajar? I don't want to go through coming out as bi to them now and gay in a year....
First great letter. Second Congratulations on coming to terms with yourself. Third your parents will love you. Fourth hope you father is doing well. Fifth don't think you need to use the word Gay. They'll figure it out.
Thanks. I almost sent it by iMessage 30 minutes ago... I've been chatting to someone I've met online and he's suggested I take my mum out for a shopping/lunch trip and tell her in person. I like the idea of doing that but the letter/text/e-mail lays out everything and gives her/them a bit of time to digest it before we speak. I wish someone would just take my damn phone and send it! Maybe I shoudl send it as an iMessage late on Friday night and offer to meet them for coffee or lunch on Saturday. Sorry, just thinking aloud here!
Well, I've just come out to my mum by iMessage and she was really accepting. (!) I've been so upset today about carrying this secret about with me that I just had to do it. I was chatting with her by iMessage and she said my dad was doing well so I took the opportunity and told her. I can't believe I've done it! :badgrin: She wasn't overly surprised. She just wants me to be happy (and safe). :eusa_clap Out to my mum. Go me!
Congratulations! I'm sure your mum will know how and when to approach your dad. Hopefully, that last task no longer looks so daunting.
Thanks guys! This forum has been a massive help for me. I've literally been lingering on here for the last year or two. Mum and I spoke on the phone for about half an hour after I sent the message. She was cool as a cucumber and totally accepting. I'm feeling pretty blessed that she's my mum this morning. What an awesome woman. :icon_bigg I've asked her to show my dad the message I sent. If she hasn't done it by the weekend I'll go round and chat with them. I've tackled my biggest fear in telling my mum. Although telling my friends will still be daunting, it now seems like less of a monster. I'm planning on telling at least three of them at the weekend. I'm not ready to be out at work yet; I'll worry about that next year. Thanks again guys. It really helped bouncing my message off you. The final version I sent was a little bit different but the gist of it was the same.
So, I came out to my gay uncle tonight. Apparently I called him about 5 years ago and told him when I was very drunk! Does everyone already know?!!!! I found it harder than I thought I would to tell my friends over the weekend. I guess because it's not a topic of conversation that comes up naturally. I'm still hoping to be out with family and friends before the year is out. There's always Facebook to make an announcement...
I need to vent some frustration. I came out to my mum a couple of weeks ago. Her response was wonderful and she was 100% accepting. My dad has been sick and she decided the time wasn't right for him to know. I agree with her to a point but I don't think there is ever a right time for your son to tell you he's gay. I've had a couple of chats with my mum about it since and told her that I feel like she's embarrassed or less accepting than I thought she was initially. She also made a comment that "life changes and not always for the better". I told her this is better for me, that I can't change and nor should I have to. So, Christmas day came and dad was once again talking about me meeting a girl. I desperately wanted to correct him but my mum said not now. I came out to her by iMessage and had asked her to show it to my dad. I don't want him knowing that she has known for longer than him so I said I would resend it to her to show him yesterday. The day has come and went and I'm finding my motivation to come out to him waning, particularly as he has become very emotional with the drugs he's on and because this is his first Christmas without his mum. What should I do? Leave it until he's in a better place emotionally or rip the band aid off? On top of this, I want to come out to three of my closest friends. I had at least three opportuntities to do so on Christmas night but just couldn't get there. I'm sure they aren't going to care one way or another but I'm finding it so hard to tell them. When I came out to my uncle, he asked and I confirmed. With my other friend, I showed her the message I sent my mum. I really need some help in confidently announcing that I'm gay. I have drafted them a couple of messages to send but it just feels like I'm making excuses or trying to justify why I am this way. I really want to be out by the end of the year as I want to be more open about dating next year. Any help or advice appreciated.
I get the sense you are being overly deferential to your mother. You own the relationship with your father and should tell him when you feel the time is right. What held you back from coming out to your friends on Christmas night? It helps to rehearse your script and create canned answers to questions as a way of preparing what you are going to say. Then simply push yourself and do it. You'll feel much better once you've come out to them. You can do it (!)
Thanks SiennaFire. Mum has to live with dad and he has been particularly difficult as he recovers from his illness. I don't want to make her life any more unbearable than it already is as she has to cope with the changes to his personality and emotions. I don't know what's holding me back with my friends. I guess it feels like I'm unveiling a whole new side to me and I've worn a mask to hide who I am for so long that I don't know how to be the real me. If they don't already know, they'll have suspected at some point. It'll be interesting to them for about 5 minutes!
You need to do what you feel is best. Be sure to include the costs to your mental health by not telling him when you weigh the costs and benefits. Hopefully your dad will recover soon. I was eager to discard the mask. You are probably right about the 5 minutes of interesting, then you revert to friend. Next time you see them, text them that you have important news to share as a way of committing yourself. When is the next time you'll see them?
I'm due to see my wider group of friends tonight. That doesn't feel like the right occassion as I don't want to be out to all tonight. I want to do this in stages and I'd potentially rather my dad knew first. I feel bad that my mum knows and he doesn't. It doesn't sit comfortably with me and was the exact situation I didn't want to happen. I expected my mum to show my dad the message the day I sent it or the next day. The fact she hasn't is what's changing my perception of her acceptance.
I don't have a good sense of what YOU want to happen here. I'm still getting the sense that you are letting circumstances and your mum dictate what you do, rather than driving your own coming out. If you want to start dating next year, you need to create a timeline for coming out and not let circumstances or your mum get in the way of your plans. If it's genuinely best to wait a month to tell your dad, rather than a convenience for mum, then accept that. In any event, I'm not even sure that you need to hold up dating until you come out to dad. That seems like a false constraint. Good luck.
I understand what you're saying. I guess from my behaviour I'm seeking everyone's approval before I embark on my journey of finding someone. I don't want to be in a position where someone finds out and can use it as a power over me. I also don't want being in the closet to get in the way of a relationship. Why is it so complicated?
It's complicated because being gay forces one to unlearn old, unproductive behaviors and learn new ones Why do you feel that you need everyone's approval to embark on your journey of finding someone? It's your life, and you're the boss. Since you are partially out and in the process of coming fully out, what kind of power can someone have over you if they find out you are gay? Let's say that you'll be fully out in 1 month. I doubt that would get in the way of your starting to date. It takes time to meet people. And if you find someone special, you'll have more incentive to come out.
