I hope this is the right forum for this thread. If not totes apols, as the young folk say. Hi I'm Dailan and I come from New South Wales in darkest Australia. As I mentioned in my intro thread, I'm not a just-came-out queer, I've been out since I was 13. I'm 40 now. About 18 months ago I got into relationship with a guy I've known for many years. Well sorta known. We didn't have much to do with each other as kids. Just knew of each other. We grew up and still live in the same town. And it's good. Prior to us getting together he was married. He and she split up 5 years ago after having been married for 15 years. She left him for some other bloke. Stuff happens, right? When we decided to move in together we knew it would be a bit of thing. See, the Fella is very much a blue collar ocker Australian bloke. He's a tradesman (a fitter to be precise), a beer drinking, fishing/hunting/footy loving type. Of all the people around here to end up in a relationship with another man, the Fella was the last one anyone would have suspected. Inclduing me. So word got around and his ex-wife (she left him way before I got on the scene, remember?) completely lost her shit. The wigging out was of Old Testament proportions. For the most part, we don't really care but there is a complication. The Fella has a 12 year old daughter with the ex who makes it next to impossible for him to see. At the moment he only gets time with the Kid when she visits his parents (her grandparents.) For my part, I'm not fussed. I'm indifferent to the ex-wife and I've no burning desire to know the Kid. I'm happy to do whatever makes the Fella happy. I also make sure any reference to the Ex-Wife is neutral. I don't bag her or defend her and I only mention her in response to him saying something about her. Has anyone else had this sort of experience? I suppose I just want to sanity check my approach to all this. Cheers D.
It sounds like your approach is right. You're being sensitive to your Fella, and you're trying to be open to his family (even if you're not super enthusiastic about knowing his kid). Sounds like you're being really understanding of his previous life. Everyone has baggage from their past when moving into a new relationship... some baggage is just more outspoken than others!
Thanks Zgirl. My main concern is not making this more complicated for the Fella than it has to be. I'm not a parent so I can't imagine just how distressing not being able to see his daughter when he'd like to must be. I also don't ever want to put him in a position where he thinks he's being made to choose between the important people in his life. I also think it's important not to make this about me. As I said he's an stereotypical Aussie bloke so it's not always easy to tell what he's feeling at any given time. He tends to keep a lot of that stuff to himself. Interestingly I get along well with his parents. They know my parents so at least that part of this situation is cool.
You sounds awesome. You sound like you have a good approach to the situation. It sounds hard for your Fella and at least sort of hard for you. Mid life is complicated, but I think you're taking the right approach.
Cheers mate. It's a funny thing. If the Ex-Wife suddenly comes to her senses and wants to bury the hatchet (somewhere other than the back of my head) I'll be fine with it. I find it really hard to carry a grudge. I'm more than happy to get over this shit. I don't need this crap. The Fella doesn't either. Affairs of the heart often bring out the worst in folks and I'd like nothing more than to live in peace with all mankind. The Fella is not keen to bring on a custody case in the Family Court (the federal court in Australia which deals with these sorts of things) because he doesn't want to subject the Kid to more stress and suffering than is necessary. I know this stuff causes him considerable misery. When you share a bed with a bloke, you can pick up on those cues. I can't work it out. She doesn't want him back (she has married again) but she wants to make sure he's miserable because he's taken up with another man? Or maybe not. I don't really think she wants the Fella to miserable, or at least I hope not. I want to see the best in all people. I understand that everyone is fighting a battle than nobody else knows anything about. Perhaps there's other stuff here she's trying to deal with and this crap is the product of that. I don't want to impugn her motives. D.
You seem like a very good man. I don't know why she's still freaking out after remarrying. I have a lot of sympathy for the post-divorce female perspective but it's seems over the top in her case. Like you said, affairs of the heart make us crazy. But on the other hand I feel life is too short to keep flogging a wound. She should get over it and share the kid. If homophobia is what's driving it, then she should join us in 2015.
The ex-wife might be pulling the strings for the time being, but it will be the daughter who ultimately decides what sort of relationship she wants with her dad. If the ex-wife has any sense whatsoever, she will not attempt to alientate or otherwise influence the daughter against her father. If she does, she may come off as the biggest loser. Maybe your fella is prepared to play the waiting game in the hope of having a better and more mature relationship with his daughter in the future? I'm sorry you are the bystander in this scenario. It's not easy, but I think you are right to remain neutral. Obviously, you should offer love and emotional support to your guy if he needs or asks for it, but no good will come from involving yourself in all of it. I wonder if his ex-wife's new man is showing as much restraint?
His daughter is twelve. She'll be old enough to decide for herself soon. It will blow over, and your fella will be ok. And hi fellow Aussie
