Questioning and newly out women: Ever led a lesbian on?

I hope not! Certainly not purposefully.

 

I'd love to try it!

(Just kidding!!!!!)

I don't know enough lesbians to lead any on to my knowledge. I have to say that I wouldn't do it on purpose but given my desire to flex my no homo flirting wings, I'm sure I'd occasionally cross the line at first. This would presumably decrease the longer I was exposed to lesbians.

 

Yes. But to be fair, I totally would have done something about it if she wasn't taken.

 

What qualifies as leading on?

 

This is true. Depending on the answer to the question, I might be leading someone on right now. But it's not without intent of a much more serious relationship if we get there. I'm absolutely ready to be with her for right now as long as right now lasts.

 

We're actually at that point, but she's very - shy, to say the least. I would love if she were more aggressive about it, but we're coaxing that out slowly. I can be patient, and the flirting can get intense, so I know it's there. It's incredibly exciting.

What wouldn't I do is probably a better question at this point! :icon_redf

 

I'm not sure that either of us is more out than the other. We're old ladies, with old parents who struggle with things like that. Hers are halfway across the country, mine are right here. So, I might be more "in" than she is, but I'm not hiding.

I don't expect her to be aggressive, what I want is for her to be comfortable with expressing affection. Not necessarily for me, but for herself, because I can see it in her and I know she's scared of being hurt. I mean, don't get me wrong - yeah, jumping her bones and multiple orgasms and all that - but I want to be with her. I smile thinking about her, and I think about her all the time. I want to wake up next to her. I want that domestic stupid stuff.

I said we're old; we each have a 21 year old kid, and she has a grandson and another grandchild on the way. I want to be the grandma to her grandkids, because I want to be her partner. Crazy? Maybe, given that I tell my kid he's too young for such things!

I think I've got it pretty bad here. I want the whole package, with her.

---------- Post added 24th Nov 2015 at 12:56 PM ----------

A little more - I want her to be happy. With me or without me. Her home is halfway across the country and she's missing her parents and her home right now. Her kid is here, with her grandkids, but she's afraid they don't want her around and she's considering moving back home. I've told her that she needs to consider what she needs to do for herself, without anyone else in the equation - especially not me. I'd be heartbroken if she moved, but if she is truly happy moving because she's doing it for herself, then I would also be happy for her. She's not one to put herself first, and I want her to be able to do that because she matters.

 

The however long now lasts thing is just an easy way to define it for me. I'm fresh out of a marriage that was supposed to be forever, you know? But he's gay. Threw me for a loop. If right now lasts forever because we work to make it that way, that would be phenomenal. If it lasts until tomorrow, that would be phenomenal because I had the opportunity to have this experience. Either way, it's an amazing right now to contemplate.

I did, initially, feel like I might be leading her on. Because I'd never dated a woman. Because I said - honestly - that I was looking for friends, but I almost immediately changed my mind. And because I'm still incredibly anxious and scared and unsure.

And now that I've talked about me forever, what about you?

 

I think that makes a lot of sense. I completely understand the panic - what am I doing? feeling. I think it takes a big person to own up to the panic and apologize for any pain it might have caused.

I guess I never really experienced the questioning phase, because when I had crushes on girls in school, I thought it was something everyone did and that, well, whatever, right? Because of course I was straight. By the time I realized I am bisexual, I was married with a few children and was quite happy, so why did it matter? I had "chosen" to be straight and it wasn't a problem for me.

My questioning is more about - how do I manage a relationship with a woman when I've never experienced anything like this before? How do I interpret these feelings? Funny enough, I'm getting advice from my ex, because he's well in a committed relationship with his boyfriend!

Dating, unfortunately, is an unfair proposition in general. Eventually, regardless of what happens, someone is bound to get hurt. Anytime we enter relationships with other people, there's an integral lack of fairness, but being willing to recognize that - even after time - and to apologize when we hurt the other person in the relationship is really the most fair we can be to ourselves and to others. Part of that also includes forgiving ourselves, as well, because that frees us to move on.

 

It is a good question, and it really made me think if I have been fair and honest in my behaviour towards women that I know are interested in women. I guess it ties to what driedroses said - it is not so much about trying to lead someone on (as in some kind of game) but "how do I manage a relationship with a woman when I've never experienced anything like this before? How do I interpret these feelings?"

I don't think I have deliberately led someone on. I have flirted with girls in situation I know nothing can happen (either because of them or me) but I don't know if flirting is 'leading on'; to someone it might be, for me it is just a way of interacting with someone you find interesting and want them to know, as a sign of appreciation if nothing else.

But this is a very good question to ask because as someone barely dipping my toes into the lesbian pool, I think it is something to pay attention to so as not to get carried away and give impressions you don't mean to stand behind. Thanks for this thread, I'm interested in seeing more comments.

 

Isn't flirting fun? But it is hard to know when you've crossed a line into leading someone on sometimes. I think the key might be to be completely upfront about what the situation is and enjoy the ride, realizing things can change quickly. It's okay to be anxious and awkward, also, especially as we're figuring it all out.

I guess, in flirting, like in everything else, it's good to remember how you'd like to be treated in the same situation.

 

I think when I was a teen i may have led my best friend on. I experimented with her when I was younger, and she was definitely trying to tell me that she was in love with me sometimes -- which I only came to realize ten years later when I was trying to tell a chick I was in love with her --, but that was innocent because I was completely unaware of myself or what was going on.

I do have a question, though.

When I was realizing my sexuality, one of my good (or so I thought) friends who was a lesbian and her girlfriend were two people I had come out to first, and counted on for advice. I was closer with my friend than I was with her girlfriend, so I went to her with all of my lesbian angst and issues that involved complaining about my trigger crush, and freaking out about not knowing if I was actually even into women. She was this well of wisdom that I'd go to a lot, and then one day, she stops talking to me. I text her and her girlfriend being like, I miss you guys! We need to hang! And the girlfriend answers back and tells me that my friend is going to be busy for awhile, but maybe in a few weeks. That was weird to me. And then anytime I'd text my friend. No answer.

I was kind of hurt and baffled, but more baffled. We weren't BEST friends, so it was kind of like, alright... guess we're not really talking anymore? And I wondered what I did wrong. Then when I was talking about it with a friend, I questioned if my going to her with advice about my lesbian love life and questioning could have been seen as a maneuver to come onto her. I questioned it because, if a girl was ever doing that to a boyfriend of someone's that they were "just friends" with, it usually meant trouble. Is it the same in the lesbian world? It's weird because most of my friends are females. I'm comfortable with females. They're usually femme like me, though. It's the androgynous femme Ruby Rose chicks that really get me going. And I can be attracted to some femme girls, but not all (which seems normal).

Not knowing this has been something to make me question my lesbianism, the whole, am i flirting if I'm just being friendly to someone i know is lesbian? Because I didn't see my friend as anything more than a friend. I just wasn't into her like that or sexually attracted to her. She was beautiful, but not in a sexual or romantic way to me. And if anything, sometimes things she would do would seem flirty. Like when I was washing these mugs we'd just drank coffee out of. She was like, " I like watching you clean the dishes" or one time when we went out she poured my drink for me. These could be seen as friendly, but also kind of flirty, and I just dismissed a lot of it and didn't give it any attention.

So my question is, like others state here, what is coming on to someone?? Could what I did be seen as coming onto my friend? I don't Just don't get things sometimes.

---------- Post added 24th Nov 2015 at 01:07 PM ----------

Flirting certainly is fun, but I think some people, like my trigger, go way too far and don't know what theyre doing. I agree. You need to be upfront and maybe keep it to a certain level that you never pass if you're not actually into that person. There needs to be a boundary, because it's so easy to hurt people and lead them on with your words and actions. I feel that most conscious people know where to draw a line, though.

 

No I haven't. Haven't had the chance lol. No seriously, no. I'm looking for a relationship, so an eligible available lesbian that I was attracted to and who was attracted to me? I'd be dating.
Assuming I knew they were a lesbian. I'm finding myself flirting a lot (!!!) but I'm wearing my rainbow bracelet and ring lol, so if I get someone's interest, they don't have to wonder if I'm gay.

I wish there was an easy way to tell if someone else is a lesbian though. I can see a lot of misunderstandings where we have members on here attracted to someone and not knowing if the person they are attracted to is gay or not, and not having the confidence to find out. That could be leading on without meaning to.

It's a minefield out there!

 

^ This!!! I feel like I'm occupying both positions: every woman I've had a thing for in the last decade has been heterosexual, and since I was in denial the whole experience of being hurt and disappointed by the kinds of intimacy that generates was deeply confusing. That said, now that I'm out (and, great news--being out seems to have had some magical effect on who I attract/am attracted to, no more wildly impossible crushes), I'm being very upfront about that newly out status and avoiding serious stuff (I'm swimming in the casual/non-monogamous end of the dating pool). I think being honest from the get go is the key, though that's certainly complicated if you're not sure if the other person is interested in women.

It is definitely awkward to announce all that, but it'll come out sooner or later anyway and many people seem to dig the honestly if you don't make a big deal about it.

Have some dancing bananas: (!)(!)(!)