How do I make "dressing up" not a sexual thing?

Talk to him about it.

 

have you tried dressing up and not having sex or mastrubating? just put your pretty things on and do your regular stuff, clean, do homework(if your in school) watch TV, play video games etc. see how it feels, see how you feel. do you feel ugly? do you feel like there is something wrong or something right. i used to be in a simular boat to you, less the boyfriend, and sometimes i still want to switch back to boy mode after i, well you know, but i love being in a skirt etc. and just being a girl doing the things i do, like watching TV, computer time, etc.

give it a try and do keep your communication open with your BF that is the basis of any relationship, he wont know how you feel untill you tell him.(*hug*)

 

Had that same experience when I was much younger. So maybe it changes with age. But there is really nothing wrong with what you are doing.

That being said, I think dressing for longer amounts of time change the nature of crossdressing. As another poster says, try perform some routine activities being dressed.

And perhaps try develop as much awareness as possible about what you feel when dressed. Is there something else but the sexual sensations? Do you feel relaxed? Do you feel more sensual?

 

I think there is a lot of pressure on us to "prove" we are who we are, and to "prove" that this isn't "just" a sexual thing. Not just us trans people, all of us. However we feel about sex. We get a lot of people telling us one thing, and mother nature telling us something else. It sucks.

I am as "real deal" a transsexual as they come. My little wedge of our transgender umbrella, I'm definitely it. Which just means that I noticed a considerable drop in my dysphoria directly and testably related to my hormone levels. That isn't needed to be trans, it's just needed to be trans in exactly the same way I am trans.

Part of this has always been about sex with me, and I don't think there is a thing wrong with that.

You know, other people, they take the ability to have sex for granted. They will never understand what it is to be right there, right next to someone you love, right there next to someone you are very attracted to, with all the confusing and sometimes wonderful emotions you experience, someone you'd die for, someone that gets you, that finishes your sentences, and to discover right then and there that sex just won't work. At least not the way they need it, and the way that worked for me back then was kind of one sided and unfulfilling.

One thing I have discovered about sex, is that the more you fight something that "does it" for you, the more you'll be into it. Feeling relaxed, and sensual, and aroused, these are good things to feel. The way you feel, when you cross dress, is it bad? I mean I'm no psychologist, I'm just someone that's dealt with a very confusing sexuality.

I think maybe it will help if I go into that a bit. I've mentioned several times here that I've experimented with guys, and that I've been more into women since transitioning even than I was before, and that it would never work with a guy, and all these things are true. But one thing I don't think I've ever really gone into detail about, because it's a difficult thing to explain, is that way way back when I had a lot more trouble seeing myself as a woman, there were things about the thought of being with a guy that were a turn on. It was very frustrating. It was like a light switch. At first it would make me feel more like a woman. Feel attractive. Feeling attractive is a huge turn on. But as soon as I did feel, completely, like a woman, just in that moment of rapture and self acceptance, my attention would shift to my imagined partner. Who was a guy. And... no, sorry dude, but this just is not going to work, I feel a little sick honestly. Mother nature plays some pretty cruel jokes. I learned over time that's what it was, that it made me feel more like a woman by contrast, but that for whatever reason I'm just not into guys, to the point where they thought of one being on top of me or just that close to me, is a huge turn off.

But you know way back when, dressing up was itself a huge turn on as well. So I mean I really sympathize. A lot of the times when I'd finally get home, after wearing panties all day, yeah

So I have a rule when it comes to sex. It works for me. I just accept whatever about myself. If it comes to mind, I just run with it. I've found, following this rule, I'm a lesbian. And that's cool. If I weren't, that would be cool. Dressing up stopped being a turn on for me before I started my transition, partly because I followed this rule, and so that's why I'm mentioning it in reply to your question. Sex is a very real part of us. It's a very direct part of us. When we fight against this or that idea, or embrace this or that idea, it becomes part of what sex is to us. I have found that I am happier, and more genuine, and my love life is better, when sex is about exploration and discovery, than when it is about imposing this or that on myself.

You are turned on by cross dressing. I know it may not make sense. You have your reasons for not wanting it to be "just" a sexual thing. All I am saying, is that it being a sexual thing seems to be a very real part of you, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all.

---------- Post added 24th Nov 2015 at 10:47 AM ----------

That ugly feeling after though, I mean to this day I think I know what you're talking about? But if it's the same thing I feel, I haven't figured out how to get past it, I'd love knowing how myself. Without my spending a king's ransom on "bottom surgery" anyway It's just something about all of this I've learned to accept. I know maybe I shouldn't, but I have. A lot of painful reminders come flooding in right after I have sex, and I know to expect them.

 

I used to experience the same exact thing when I first started "dressing up." I hated that feeling afterwards too.

The thing is, though certain people would label it as some sort of fetish, it's actually quite a common occurrence and there really shouldn't be any shame felt. Your sexuality is still a part of you no matter how you're dressed, and your own mind and body adjusts to new circumstances. Personally, the sexual feelings faded for me the more often I've dressed up and made it more of a regular thing. I don't know if the same will apply to you, but either way it's still a part of you.

You might want to try just gradually doing more regular everyday things while dressed up. Attend parties with those you're out with, spend a bit of intimate time with your mate to see how the two of you feel, or just walk around the house doing chores and other regular stuff. Afterwards, try to avoid masturbation and let switching back to guy mode feel more natural.

Don't worry if it doesn't work right away, everyone takes their own time and pace to transition. ^___^

 

I agree when people say that sex is nothing to be ashamed of and that you should ignore the stigma of trans people being perverted. However, those people seem to be ignoring the fact that if simple clothing (I assume OP is talking about regular clothes and not lingerie or something) is getting someone hot and bothered, there is something going on here.

This has always vexed me. Trans women speak out against this when a cis person says it, yet a lot of trans women admit that they're transitioning/transitioned for sexual reasons. Why not say "sure some of us do" rather than making it seem like it's never the case?

 

I am really glad you asked I am sure a lot of people have the same question and a lot of people wouldn't have been as direct or tactful.

The reason a lot of us feel pressure to downplay the role sex plays is because we have bigger problems that feed into everything. Historically, we have run into two obstacles when we try to solve our problems with dignity.

The first kind I won't have to explain much. We get convinced it's all in our heads etc. Very much our pray the gay away equivalent. It sometimes comes from surprising places though.

The other is why I and people like me dislike the word Autogynophelia. It means a lesbian transsexual like myself has a sexual fetish in which I enjoy being physically female during sex. Which, is true. But, I have a lot of more serious problems caused directly by my hormonal balance, and people arguing the Autogynophelia label would predict, incorrectly, that I would likely not respond positively to transition. And in the bad old days, you had to jump when doctors and therapists said how high to get any help at all and help was all or nothing. You fit a profile, or you weren't trans. You were straight, white, submissive strap housewife with a rich husband (and I am not being MtF centric here, heaven help you if you were FtM) who can afford every surgery, or you aren't a woman and your dysphoria can screw you over for life.

It's that second that causes our reaction. To this day, we don't get legitimacy or acceptance unless we do all those things, and we experience resistance if we don't fit the profile and go after help. It's less strict, but it is there. When you are trans 24 7 365 you get it more often and come to expect people's little subtle attacks on your identity. Sure they aren't there most of the time. Most people are cool. But we do experience it way often. And so, when we hear someone say it's about sex, we react to that attack we expect on our ability to solve our problems and live life with dignity.

The only reason I am more open is because I care politically about the fetish communuties. I am not part of them. But my girlfriend, for instance, has explored being a furry before. So I agree with where you seem to be coming from. Having a fetish is nothing to be ashamed of.