What if someone told you that your friend was...

It really depends. I kind of have a rule with people - if you wrong me (on purpose) 3 times, you're out of my life forever. I tend to forgive individuals, but I need to take care of myself first and foremost. Toxic relationships are not fun to be around with.

As for this particular situation, is the person currently doing anything wrong to you or other people? It sounds like this is all in their past. I wouldn't hold their past against them if it didn't affect you personally. People DO change. I'm friends with people who were complete assholes 8+ years ago, but they're the sweetest things now.

 

While "backstabbing and lying bitch" is hardly a great way to put a situation like this and there are obviously different levels of seriousness as to whether or not it warrants a certain response, but there are effectively two reasonable options for a mature person to take, excluding formal situations in which mediation would be needed.

When confronted by something like that and you don't doubt what you've been told, you can:

a) decide that the relationship is not sufficiently valuable to you and permit it to end. If you are likely to come across this person, it might be advisable to ask an explanation of them, but if you're absolutely certain that a line was crossed, then not doing so is generally understandable, or,

b) decide that the continuation of the relationship is desirable and civilly confront them, relaying what you've been told and why you find it unacceptable, asking for an explanation, if possible. You can demand an apology and emphasise the importance of trust in the relationship if it's necessary to maintain it, but it would almost certainly be more prudent to place less trust in that person.

Ultimately, though, it's generally quite obvious that a friend can't be trusted as a result of their behaviour. It would be highly naïve to assume a friend who consistently breaks others' trust will honour yours, for instance. There is no need to escape or remedy a broken friendship when you know not to form it in the first place. And it's always advisable to take it into your own hands; an intermediary who functions in any role less strict than that of a formal mediator is likely to cause more problems, as communication through an informal intermediary removes nuance and brings in the intermediary's own interpretation of the situation and their figurative baggage.

 

If people believed half the stuff that has been said about me behind my back I wouldn't have any friends.
Oh, that's right, they did, and I have very very few friends.

Form your own opinion IMO. Chinese whispers and all. Unless you witness something yourself, the majority is gossip.

I've been on the bad side of this sort of thing, and people don't bother to fact check. Such and such told x who told y who told z who told a who told b and none of them with first hand knowledge.
The end result was physical and verbal abuse for me for years for being the victim of a crime. Because I was in the wrong, apparently.

 

I would definitely just go on with your friendship and not worry much about what others are saying; it could be petty gossip. If it turns out to be true, well then, you'll know it. I would just stay alert and maybe don't divulge a ton of stuff you wouldn't want spread to the masses.

 

I usually go on my own instincts rather than what someone random says. It has served me well at least once.

 

...I'm sorry, is that not common?

For me it's very commonplace in my school. In fact, almost all of us are. I myself am guilty of being a lying bitch, but I never backstab unless you do that to me first.

If the person isn't in my clique, I wouldn't make a fuss about dealing with her. Separating myself from the bitch, get it over and done with. She's not worth my time. However, if she's within my clique, that's a whole different matter. Firstly, I would check with the entire clique as to what they feel about her. If they feel negatively about her (since usually if it affects me it affects my clique) then I'll kick her out and we'll all distance ourselves from her. If it doesn't, I'll avoid her as much as I can without affecting the clique overall.

It's been going pretty well, especially for those within the clique. = =

But at the end of the day, my policy is this: If you don't do it onto me, I'll consider you a friend. If you do backstab me, I swear, you'll get the worse days of your life that I can manage.

 

I've been in this situation, but fortunately it was pretty clear cut in my case. I had made a friend in a class that I'd been hanging out with for maybe a few months, when a closer friend came to me and told me that friend, E, was a terrible person who had been trash-talking me behind my back, and even asked my friend, L, to help her mess with me. I trusted L, and L also had no reason to make such a thing up, so I ended up cutting ties with E and making new friends in class so I could distance myself from her.

I guess the moral of the story here is consider the source, as well as the person this rumor is about. If I hear someone is a "backstabbing bitch," even if I don't totally believe it I do tend to watch my back around that person, and if you're looking for it you will probably notice signs of that behavior if it does exist. Still though, rumors can be both vicious and untrue, so unless you have reason to believe it right off yourself (like I did) you probably shouldn't totally cut a person off.

 

If I hear it from a person that I consider honest, I will start to be wary around said friend and watch their actions before moving any further. If I hear it from someone I don't really have an opinion on, I'd be very confused and take it with a grain of salt if it seems plausible. If it seems entirely out of character for the person (most of my friends I have known for over a year now), then I will call the messenger out on that fact and disregard it. If it's someone I do not trust who says that, I will completely ignore them.

My judgement on this has not been the best, though. One of my previous relationships, I was involved with a "backstabbing b****". No matter how many times my friends told me, I didn't get it until we finally split. So, I try and approach everything with caution. This would be one of those cautious situations if needed be.

 

My freind was(and still is) called that, becoase she didn't know what she was doing(but blames herself for it, even though it wasn't her fault), and my response was to consider the people calling her that unreliabe sources, becoase in edition to knowing her, I also know that they called her weak, then saud she was part of Isis and wants to kill us all. So I still trust her, and we still get along.

 

I would respond with, "Oh I didn't know that. They always have such nice things to say about you." It'll stop them from gossiping because how are they supposed to reply to that? It's also a subtle slap in the face.

 

This sounds like you have experience with said circumstance...

Anyways.

I'd first look at where this accusation was coming from, and see if the person saying that my "friend" was so horrible had any evidence. If they didn't then I ignore it, but still watch the "friend" more closely to make sure.

If my "friend" actually is a backstabbing, lying b***h then oh well. I guess I'd probably confront them about their backstabbing behaviours - ask them to justify it. If they couldn't then I'd break up with them because I don't hang with those sorts of people... In this theoretical universe where I have friends, that is.

 

When I found out my friend was a pathological liar~ a mutual friend and I sat down and confronted her about it... since there were two of us and we both had totally different stories we had heard from her on things over the course of years and years... she couldn't lie anymore. We ended our friendship with her and never spoke to her again (even though we were living in the same house at the time... awkward~)

TLDR, it's better to not have those kind of people in your life, as horrible as it sounds. My heart aches for her because she was the closest friend I've ever had, and we truly were connected spiritually, mentally, etcetera... but there was no way we could continue down that path ;.;

 

Hello,

I worked this out for myself and I stopped talking to her within six months. Remained civil though, as she didn't know I worked this out and wouldn't want to cause any more problems.

 

I'd investigate, and ask different people, but if it's false, then isn't the one who told you the lying back stabber?

 

Why would I automatically believe something a random person said?

 

If they told me that I wouldn't stop being friends with them but I might be a little more hesitant to them and probably won't share anything private with them.

 

It really depends. I usually look for proof myself, though, and consider who is telling me what about whom. Some people I trust more than others and some things are more believable than other things. For example, if one of my closest friends told me that the girl who is always obviously smutty during class had sex with someone else in the school, I'd probably believe it. If a random person who I almost never talk to told me that a close friend of mine who is Muslim and doesn't drink had gotten wasted at a party, I'd probably brush it off without another thought (I'm making up scenarios, these are not things that actually happened). It really matters on who is telling me what about whom.

 

I've known all of my friends for upwards of five or six years, if they wanted to f*ck me over, they would have done it a long time ago. Honestly, I know them better than anyone trying to tell me this, and I wouldn't have any of it bc my friends are what's keeping me alive and relatively sane.

 

I would say "lol, you're an idiot", and go on my merry way. If they kept saying stuff like that, I would give them a long talk about my friend and their personality and why they are not a "backstabbing and lying b****."