Hi, first time posting here , Over the last year I have kind of realized that I am not straight and I'm probably gay or bi (don't know which though - most likely gay). It took a while but now that I know that I know I'm not straight, I feel I want to tell someone because it is quite lonely. The only problem is that my parents seem homophobic (judging by their reaction to homosexuality on TV) and I go to a boy's school. In my school, there are many assemblies and posters about stopping homophobia, however, I hear many slurs and insults towards gay people in the corridors. Therefore, I'm worried that I might be bullied in the duration of my school, if I do decide to come out. And even if I don't get bullied I have read how straight guys tend to avoid gay people because they think that they are going to 'hit of them'. I don't know if that is true or not but I hope that it isn't, however I don't want to take a risk and find out that it turns out to be true. I don't know what to do and the thought of coming out is always brooding over my mind when I am thinking. Did anyone else have the problem of coming out to straight friends as well or am I just going crazy?
Well, I have never had straight friends, only straight girl friends, so that for me coming out to them was exceptionally easy. They start liking your circle more. You have to listen to the way your straight friends talk about homosexuality. If they are not homophobic you may come out to them. If they are, then better stay closeted. By the way, you are homosexual, not bisexual. It is seen from your post.
Yeah, most of my friends talk about homosexuality in a bad way so maybe I should stay closeted for longer. For some reason it is just harder to talk to guys about sexuality... don't know why but its really annoying sometimes (maybe due to the fact that they assume that if you're gay you are immediately feminine and not into "boy's stuff" - which is just complete nonsense). Don't know about being gay for certain though. I'm kind of swinging between gay and bi every other week. It's pretty confusing at the moment but I'm sure that eventually I'll figure it out.
It is important that you feel safe. Only come out when you feel it's the right time for you, and only to those that you trust. As for the bi / gay question, it's normal to be confused. Give yourself time and compassion and the answer will reveal itself. It might be worth your while to get in contact with your nearest LGBT youth support group, just to make friends with similar people. (*hug*)
I was in a similar scenario once before. I forgot where, but in one of the forums here, I posted a story about how I personally helped to bring homophobic prejudice significantly closer to an end at my school. I'll look for it and post a link to it later. Short version: homophobia was everywhere, and being gay was looked on as a curse and a disability at school by most guys. Once I made it known that they were wrong, and what they said truly hurt people (in scenarios similar to yours), the ones who just played along to be cool dropped the act and I got flooded with apologies. Homophobia will always exist among a few, but this experience will help you realize who true friends are and where they can be found. If your school stands against homophobic prejudice, then there's no way in hell that they would ever let you become a victim. My parents, specifically my dad, was 100% homophobic. He couldn't wrap his head around it, he found the idea disgusting. But once I came out to him, he gave the idea thought (he always takes time to process information carefully before he acts upon it), and once he did, he realized that he could try to accept it, and would never let his ideals stand in the way of me and happiness. Orientation wise, I'd say you're gay, only because you sound like I did a year or two back. I always like guys, but I can still look at a smoking hot woman and be like "Damn!" But that's as far as it would ever go! XD Just ask yourself who you can see yourself being an a romantic/sexual relationship with for the rest of your life. Just guys, or both? Up to you. And lastly, the moment. When/if you choose to come out to someone, start small. A best friend is your best bet, someone who could never hate you for anything. When you tell them, address how being gay/bi doesn't change who you are; you're not going to try and make a move on him (if it's a him) unless you know he'll ever feel the same way, you're not going to conform to gay stereotypes on a whim, and lastly, let him/her know that you told him/her first because of the trust you've established together, and how you don't want that to change because of this one detail. Once that's over with, if all goes well, and he/she shows the support you need, the rest should become progressively easier. Based on your given backstory, I truly believe that this will go perfectly fine, go for it! Everything in your life will improve once the struggle is off your chest. ---------- Post added 23rd Nov 2015 at 07:21 PM ---------- Found that prejudice story; long post, but great message. (In my opinion anyways ) http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/197158-i-may-ready.html? ---------- Post added 23rd Nov 2015 at 07:21 PM ---------- Found that prejudice story; long post, but great message. (In my opinion anyways ) http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/197158-i-may-ready.html?
How old are you and how much longer do you have to go before you graduate? I know of about 10 gay and lesbian people I went to highschool with out of about 450 in my graduating class. Virtually everyone waited until after graduation before coming out. In 2005 when I graduated, only 1 person was officially out, and his life was pure hell. Sure anti-bullying was all the rage, just like it is today, but like you say, kids in the halls can act completely differently. As much as it can suck being closeted and not getting to be the real you, I don't know if coming out is worth potentially years of torment. If you think you could face being either beaten up or ostracized, I would hold off on coming out. Especially at an all-boys school where teenage boys are typically insecure about their own sexuality and often react negatively through slurs and violence. I really wish I had an answer for you. In a perfect world, you could just announce "I'm gay," everyone treats you the same, and you get on with your life. But the real world isn't like that. It can be with certain people, but that's not the case with everyone.
How old are you and how much longer do you have to go before you graduate? I know of about 10 gay and lesbian people I went to highschool with out of about 450 in my graduating class. Virtually everyone waited until after graduation before coming out. In 2005 when I graduated, only 1 person was officially out, and his life was pure hell. Sure anti-bullying was all the rage, just like it is today, but like you say, kids in the halls can act completely differently. As much as it can suck being closeted and not getting to be the real you, I don't know if coming out is worth potentially years of torment. If you think you could face being either beaten up or ostracized, I would hold off on coming out. Especially at an all-boys school where teenage boys are typically insecure about their own sexuality and often react negatively through slurs and violence. I really wish I had an answer for you. In a perfect world, you could just announce "I'm gay," everyone treats you the same, and you get on with your life. But the real world isn't like that. It can be with certain people, but that's not the case with everyone.
I've only recently come to terms with my sexuality and also had trouble coming out, so I see where you're coming from. I just advise to start small. Tell your closest friends first. Those people you trust with everything, then slowly come out to more and more people. I think you'll feel more confident as you tell more people. You can come out like completely, but if you're kind of hesitant, take baby steps
It would really be nice to talk to some people who had the same issues as me. However, as far as I am concerned, there are no LGBT groups in my area (that's why I decided to join Empty closets) Its quite sad 'cause there is probably other people like me in my area who also don't have support as well. I go to school in England and I am currently 16 so I have 3.5 more years of school to go so now is probably not the time to come out. They would probably say that I am 'too young to know' anyway. Perhaps in the year before leaving school I could muster the strength to come out to all my friends but I still have a long way to go. Thanks ANerdWhoCares. I don't think I'm ready to come out to everyone yet but I am thinking about coming out to my friend this Christmas. We have been very close friends since we started school so I hope he will be supportive and not just reject me completely. The problem is that I'm not even sure myself if I am gay or bi. I have ruled out that I'm straight, but I swing from gay to bi every other week. It's a bit annoying because as soon as I feel I know, I change my mind. I suppose that eventually, I'll just have to make my mind up.
Good idea to start small. I started with a bisexual girl that I was friends with, and after discussing the topic with her for long periods of time, it helped to at least clear my head, and later make a choice. I believe there's a term for people who bounce back and forth between gay-straight-bi, but I can't remember what it was... Edit: after a bit of researching, I believe the term is "sexually fluid?"
