I don't want anything anymore

(&&&)(&&&)(&&&)(&&&)

My turn to tell you we are here for you.

I know I've said this before but you need to do what is right for you. He isn't willing to accept who you are right now and just wants the old you back. (damn, same thing I heard from B earlier today).
It sounds like he considers this a phase that you need to get over. You know it isn't.

The time is coming for tough decisions, whether he likes it or not.

 

It's always tough when our significant others come at us with "just focus on us." For some of us, the problem has been that we haven't focused on ourselves for so long, and now we have reached this place where we have to focus on ourselves and figure things out. They really are innocent bystanders in a lot of ways. But we still can't simply ignore our feelings and give them only what they want.

 

You are in the phase that is difficult. Now is not the time to escape. You are strong and not one to run away from your problems. Perhaps you need to take a pause and recharge before you forge ahead and go after the life you really want.

Your husband is partially right about marital happiness. While you have been processing your feelings of bisexuality in the background, it’s probably true that the marital unhappiness was a trigger for your coming out. That was the case for me, or more accurately declining marital sex no longer sustained my denial. Where your husband is wrong is that focusing on happiness will fix this. It’s too late for that. The genie is out of the bottle, Humpty Dumpty has fallen, whatever the metaphor there’s no going back for you.

Hang in there, give your husband time to process his feelings, and you will get what you want (*hug*)

 

(*hug*) It's difficult for him, but it seems like he is unwilling to see how difficult it is for you. And his statements sound almost like ultimatums - how can anyone live positively under those conditions?

It is, unfortunately, such a tough situation on both sides. He may not have had as much time as you've had to deal with it, but he's had some time and it sounds like he's buried his head in the sand. That can't work long term, and you can't be expected to do the same, either.

As far as kids go, I believe they thrive when their parents are not miserable. My parents were and still are miserable in their marriage and it was difficult to grow up like that. Kids learn how to be adults from their parents.

Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself space. Ultimately, you're responsible for you, he is responsible for himself, and you're both responsible for your daughter.

 

If I'd had that conversation with a man and he'd said those things, I'd feel like you do. He is manipulating you. Now maybe a certain amount of manipulation is necessary to force a relationship to last X years... but that's coming from someone who questions the entire concept of marriage now.

I of course relate to the "wanting no one" feeling and I too wonder if it's depression. But then... I visit my Hermit website and watch some videos on Buddhist monks living in the mountains of China... and I feel better about myself.

I've never understood people who stay together for the sake of the children. To have more time with them, yes. But I knew my parents didn't fit and I wished they'd divorce for years. At 19 when they had made it through his affair and decided they were going to stay together, I bawled my head off all day. They were just such a poor fit and I always felt he gave away his happiness for her.

It's been so long since I allowed someone interested in a traditional restrictive marriage into my life... I hardly even remember it anymore. I just can't relate to rules regarding love now. It's like polyamory/nonmonogamy let the cat out of the bag once and for all (I was never suited for monogamy I think) and now, the idea of forcing a relationship seems utterly alien to me.

I'm not a good person to talk to if you genuinely want to stay with him. I know he is hurting and he is afraid. But I can't imagine ever telling someone to stay who didn't have their heart in it. It's not what a friend would do. I guess I value friendship over love.

I'm sorry. I'm just not helping at all!! :bang:

---------- Post added 3rd Nov 2015 at 07:00 AM ----------

Oh and hey - do you realize that you TOTALLY WERE HONEST WITH HIM!!!!? There was a time not too long ago where you felt you couldn't be. You completely opened up. The other person's response is never guaranteed and it's sometimes devastating. But you absolutely let him know who you were, completely. That is really awesome! (!) And now comes all the aftermath. :eek::tears::tantrum::icon_sad::help:

 

KUDOS for being so honest with him!!!!

I actually think your husband's line of reasoning is perfectly fine, and quite reasonable.

But only from his point of view. He doesn't have a real understanding of how much this means to you. And frankly, he kind of can't? How could he possibly hear what you are saying: you are MOSTLY GAY and WANT TO SLEEP WITH A WOMAN, regardless of what he wants. Because I've read your posts for a while, and that's what it boils down to.

Not understanding your perspective does not make him abusive--posters here are over-reacting (sorry guys), because they fully understand with and sympathize with your point of view. There are threads right now of guys who ARE bordering on abusive, and your husband is firmly in his rights as a member of your marriage.

He's right that IF your sexuality was less of an issue for you, then fixing your marital relationship would be the right thing to do. And frankly focusing on your het side instead of your homo side would be one way to do it. But that's NOT what you want, or you'd be more open to his line of reasoning.

I'm sorry this has happened to you (to US!). It's TERRIBLE. It SUCKS. There seems to be no reasonable way to have what you want in your marriage unless one of you has a major change of heart. But that doesn't mean he's out of line.

 

I hope you didn't mean me, Cap.

I thought I put in enough disclaimers but maybe not.

Let me stress - I am the WRONG person to ask for marital advice! :badgrin:

 

Remember you're dealing with it the best way you can and it's okay to feel whatever you feel. There are no rules anyway.
I remember it was driving me nuts when my ex couldn't understand how I felt and what I was trying to convey. In the end I just accepted that some things can be only understood through a real life experience so he will probably never understand me fully because he's not LGBT. I could get his reasoning and theoretically I'd somewhat agree with some of it but on the other hand I knew it's not going to work much in the real life and it's nobody's fault. For example you can try to focus on it less but the reality is it'll always come back sooner or later and smack you in the face even stronger than before. It's just impossible to sweep under carpet. Wishing you all the best. (*hug*)

 

So here is a question for you. How much is your livelihood and financial security playing into your decision?

You really have not talked about this much, and I have been reading your posts trying to really understand what is holding you back, aside from your concern as a parent which you have mentioned on numerous occasions.

If Financial Security is at the root of why you are struggling to move on, then it might make sense to explore that a bit; as there is no question this can be a fundamental road block if not processed properly.

 

Agree with siennafire.

Going thru much the same, tho my hsuband is adament on NOT ignoring who i am as we both agree the spiraling depression ive always had is mostly contributed to my trying so hard to deny and or hide. We are trying very hard to work on us as my coming out blew up our marriage in ways we werent expecting. We hit a breaking point and felt that divorce was inevitable.. Like, last week. It was really really bad. But we decided we were not going to end this i know i am not 100% gay. I do prefer women over men and woul never ever be wih a man if we split but we are still together and hes still a man. We are almost starting new, gting to koweach other again without hiding things we feel insignificant or shame from.

We feel confident we will be okay an neiher of us are against openng our marriage at a later date (much later we have very small children) right now, our marriage isbare we tore it down. We are trying to build it into what we want and we are stupid confident that while it will take a long time we are both willing and we'll come out on top with something beautiful and authentic

I feel you on never wanting anything. Not much matters to me in general. If it were not for my kids i could die tomorrow and not even care that it was going to happen. Im hoping that living for me, being open and honest forthe firat ime in my lfe will give way to feeling something. For now it is what it is and i hope that you can find a goal or someting you can work towards in your lifelife. For me it never made me feelful but it gave me something to do. Helpful when you are going thru this i think.

 

Wasn't trying to start a fight, my darling. I admit that I was responding quickly. (*hug*)

 

You DID mean me! Aaaaauuuugggh! :tears::tears::tears::tears::tears::tears:

 

Don't stress! I honestly just kind of blended all the responses I saw into an amalgam in my mind, is what I meant. Not picking on individuals.

 

Fair enough.

 

That wasa wonderful post ita withyou!

 

Please don't stress on my account! I was not attacking you. Just pointing out that he is perfectly in his rights as a married person to want to downplay threats to the marriage and request a refocus on the marriage. And what baristajedi wants threatens the marriage at its core, as he understands it.

That doesn't make either of them bad people! It just means they want different things and are trying to stand up for what they want.

I'm not sure how to respond to your recount of your personal situation per se. I think there are lots of ways to be a good husband or a good wife. I think a good friendship over a bad relationship is one totally reasonable way to be? But I'm not sure how it applies to this thread...

 

Oh Barista, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time!

I agree with CapColors that I don't think his behavior is abusive, per se. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage, and this doesn't really sound like that. I think he is hurting and threatened and trying to protect his place.

He is totally within his rights to want what he wants, and you are totally within your rights to want what you want. It may just be that those things no longer intersect. And that's okay. But it may mean that, as inamirrordarkly says, the time is coming for tough decisions. And I agree with Sienna in that there is now no going back, now that the "genie is out of the bottle". The only way for you now is forward, whatever that means for you.
(*hug*)

 

You are correct, and that is why I deleted the post above. It didn't belong here.

 

Baristajedi. Was that guy who was cool and open to your sexuality marriage material? Was he father-of-your-kid material? Because I feel like your current husband is being compared to him in your mind, and maybe he's only better on that one focal dimension.