I don't even know where to start. The last few weeks have been so exhausting and I just need to vent, and get advice from anyone who may be able to relate in one or more ways. If you don't know my back story already, a very brief synopsis: I am 30, married to a man, I have two little kids, and I realized about a year ago that I am a lesbian. I came out to my husband on September 22nd in marriage counseling. He already had an idea, so it wasn't a huge shocker, but it still hurt. I'm now out to him, my mom, my brothers, and a few friends. My husband has, up to this point, been surprisingly supportive--we are navigating towards an amicable split, and continuing counseling so that we can acquire skills to effectively and successfully co-parent. We still live together and we are still very much friends, and a great parenting team. The tough part is that we cannot afford a divorce, and this is leaving me feeling very trapped. Even though my husband knows we need to split, and that we are working towards it, and he understands very clearly that I am GAY, not bi, he keeps expecting me to be close to him physically. He told me that he's not ready yet to give that up, that he still wants to have sex and be close, but that that doesn't mean he doesn't understand what is happening. I have caved a few times because I feel guilty for what I've done. I feel like, the least I could do is give him some comfort, and it's not like I'm lying to him, he knows where we stand. As I'm typing this, I'm also realizing I do it to "keep the peace." But now it's gotten to the point where, if I'm even the slightest bit distant, he asks me questions like, "Don't you want to be close to me? Don't you still want to be physical with me?" And it forces me to reiterate everything I've already said, and hurt him ALL OVER again, and it's so exhausting! I'm just so confused -- he keeps telling me, I KNOW you're gay, I KNOW having sex with me won't make you straight -- yet he keeps asking me why I don't want to be physical with him. This has led to a lot of petty arguments that I was hoping to avoid. And I'm just feeling so stifled and without a choice. I brought this up in counseling, and the counselor agreed that there really shouldn't be any sex if we are splitting. But he just doesn't get it, and I think it's really difficult with us living in the same house. I'm currently in grad school, and I'm now seeking a part-time job as I realize that continuing grad school full time is no longer an option. But where I live, there are very few jobs, and I'm just not having any luck. I live in a very small town, there is little support for alternative lifestyles and little opportunity for a meaningful career. I've gotten ONE interview. And it looks like I could take the job if I wanted it. But it's part-time, retail, so it certainly won't give me freedom. It will barely cover the cost of childcare. Moving away isn't an option as my children are very close with their dad and he plays a very active role in their lives. For some reasons the mornings are always the worst for me. I wake up every morning in a panic. "What the fuck am I doing? I can't just leave him. I can't do this on my own. What am I doing to my girls? I am not being responsible. This is stupid." As the day goes on it tends to get a little bit better. And then it starts over the next morning. I almost feel like I'm being suffocated and I need a way to escape. I know I've dug this hole. I'm just trying to find a way to climb out. Thanks for reading. You guys are the only outlet I have. (*hug*)
Hey, sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to make a difficult situation smooth and amicable. I take my hat off to you! You are getting there, it's slow but most life changes will be. It's going to be worth it, so hang in there. That panic in the morning is an awful thing, just remember deep breaths and remind yourself of the reasons you are doing this. I should say, I'm not experienced in the issues and barriers that come with divorce, the financial implications and entitlements, I just hope you get some advice on here about that. What I will say is you're totally right to want to stop having sex with him. Don't feel bad, don't feel like you need to offer him comfort in this way. You guys are separating. This is about respect and I would suggest that he isn't being respectful of your needs by emotionally pushing in this area. I'd suggest having one more conversation - tell him it's the only one there will be on the subject and it's not up for negotiation because the repetition of it hurting you (and likely him) - that sex is off the table from now on. I can totally see why you feel suffocated. Is separate bedrooms an option for you guys? I understand you can't move, but would commuting out of town for work be an option? I may be being naive about childcare here, and I only suggest it because finances seem to be a real barrier from what you've said.
I don't have any experience advice to offer here, but stop having sex with him. You do not owe him anything because you realized that you were gay later in life; he doesn't have control or authority over your body. He's "not ready" for the physical part of your relationship to halt? Sounds a little abusive to me. He doesn't have ownership over you, no matter how long you were married, no matter how many kids you've had together, no matter how much you being gay and wanting to live your life has effected him. You are the only person in power of yourself. I advise you to get out of the same room as him if you already aren't. And I'd try my hardest to get out of the same house. Kinda sounds like he's not getting the picture and reality of the situation. You're saying he's supportive, but anyone who has some kind of consciousness would know that it's awkward and wasteful to be sleeping together and continuing to play house as usual. If you found out he was gay and only liked sleeping with men, would you want to sleep with him/tell him that he owes you physical satisfaction still because, well, you want it? I hope you can find a way to get divorced ASAP and start living your life. This can't be healthy for you or anyone in that household. Have you looked into lawyers doing things probono over where you are? What about moving in with your parents for a little?? I imagine this is so difficult for you. And I truly feel for what you're going through. Sending good vibes(*hug*)
This sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through this. My husband and I separated, he moved into a temporary room (shared apartment) and I'm still in our apartment. It's costing us both a bit more, I've taken on an extra day of work, and I'm putting my personal creative work on hold but it's been worth it. Have you looked into room subletting, or house sitting for either you or your husband? I don't have kids, so this has been a bit simpler for me, although still not easy. None of it is really "easy"
Oh yeah. Working on splitting with B and trying to get him to understand that sex has no place here anymore. I slept well for a few nights as 'that time of the month' gave me a break, but he wanted sex last night,so, the stress is back and I barely slept. I managed to put him off but I'm sure he'll try again tonight. And giving in gives me a few days without the pressure but I feel horrible about it. Losing weight rapidly right now as the appetite goes when I'm stressed. I haven't come out as lesbian to him yet, just as bi, but we did talk yesterday. I told him I loved women, and wasn't sure about men (not ready yet to say out loud that I'm a lesbian) but that meant that he was at me all damn day Why should sex be expected? Why should we be expected to provide that service? Unfortunately this going to become a big problem for me if I don't sort it out very soon - I have PTSD so I'm having to really watch myself.
Oh, dear! I'm stunned that he wants to have sex still, even pressures for it, but I guess I never was married to a super sexual guy. That still seems wrong to me, though, because the answer to "don't you want to be close to me" is actually no, right? And no means no. I do have sympathy for his feelings of betrayal and loss etc, but he seems willfully misguided on this topic. Being gay and separated means you don't want physical intimacy with him. Period. He should respect that. This isn't your problem, it's his, but if you can possibly bear it, I'd say don't sleep with him again, no matter how guilty you feel. Eventually he has to get it, right? Man, I'm sorry to hear this.
Oh wow. I'm so sorry to hear this; it sounds awful for you. But hang in there, honey...you are doing what you need to do and eventually you will get through it. Breathe, keep centered, and don't panic. A big change like this is traumatizing, but trust me, it is surmountable. I would agree with everyone else here in saying that you should definitely not have sex with him anymore. He is definitely not respecting your boundaries by pressuring you and playing on your guilt like that. And you giving in to him might also confuse things more and aid in his denial of the situation, especially if he thinks you are enjoying it at all. It sounds to me like he is trying to pull you back in to the relationship by keeping the intimacy going. You need to set your boundaries, and you need to be firm. I know he's probably hurting, but that's really not your problem. You need to take care of you right now. That's your priority...you and your little ones. I would also agree that you (or he) should move out as soon as possible, but I understand the financial difficulties in that. I think separate rooms would be a good idea if you have to stay in the same house for a while...gain some small measure of independence from him. And he would learn to get some independence from you, too. It would be healthy for both of you. Hang in there, hon. We are all with you! (*hug*)
Thanks so much for all the feedback. It feels good to know that others understand the turmoil. We actually argued last night about the sex thing. I told him, "It puts a lot of pressure on me when you ask me to be physical with you. I feel like I have to either dance around it, or I have to cut open a wound once more. Do you want to be physical with another man? No, because you are straight. I AM GAY. Of course I don't want to be physical with you." The argument ended with him saying something along the lines of, "Well, forget it, I don't want to be physical with you now! That's the last thing I want now!" And then of course when everything cooled down later in the night, he said, "I didn't mean it. I still want to be close to you." Ugh. Around and around and around! Everyone is so right about the boundaries. I have to remember that I am not responsible for how he feels. I have been bound to him for a very long time. We met when I was 14. We started dating when I was 17. On again and off again, I had other boyfriends (and a few blips with girls which I stupidly shrugged off) until I married him when I was 19 (WAY too young!). Now I'm 30. That means I've officially known him for over half my life. We've become enmeshed. Even if I was straight, it's still pretty unhealthy. He has never made an effort to have friends. His family is so weird and nobody really talks to anyone. His mom was a single mom, he has no idea who his dad is, he has no siblings . . . I AM his family. I AM his only friend. This is why it's so difficult. But I didn't do this to him, and I have to keep telling myself that. Plus, it's not as if I'm disappearing off the face of the Earth. The fact is, we have two kids together, we are both great parents, so we are forever bound in that sense. I just don't know how to be there for him as a friend and as the mother of his children without it crossing boundaries. It's all so fucked up and confusing. Our situation is further complicated by the fact that we live in military housing. We've looked into legal separation. If we file for legal separation, we both have to move out of housing within 30 days. That complicates things so much. That means my kids have two totally new homes. It means a new school for my oldest. We move every 3 years. We just moved here less than a year ago. So it's been a cross country move, her starting a new school . . . to jump up and both move to new homes that we can't even afford . . . to move her out of her school and into a new place, while putting them both in childcare for the first time as well . . . these are all of the reasons we are trying to take it slow. But I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. It might come to a point where we just have to rip off the bandaid. And you all are right. The sex just needs to stop. And I am responsible for making it perfectly clear. What he decides to do with that is up to him. I can't control how he reacts or how it makes him feel. I can only control me. Thank you everyone for sharing your advice and experiences. It really does help to read about other situations, to feel like I'm not the only one ever to have come out so late, and / or to know that you can sympathize. (&&&)
If that's true, that he doesn't really have friends or family and will feel very isolated, make sure to take care -- but that is still without overriding your own rights as a human being. Stay safe, Mellie.
Yes to all of that above. Big hugs to you if you want them. Sigh. My husband put lots of pressure on me for sex after I told him I was gay and that sex was off of the table. It felt awful and I felt invisible. It really is NOT OK to pressure someone for sex when they have clearly and repeatedly said no. I'm very sorry he's doing that to you.
I can really relate to what you are going through. I have been with the same man for the last 12 years and we have children together. The financial situation has left us stagnant so far and our lease is not up in our home until August. It would be very difficult for either of us to leave because right now, we really do need the dual income. It makes me feel trapped and scared that I will never be able to separate myself from him. I do have a job that I work from home, so I don't have that additional struggle of finding a job, but nonetheless if I lost this job, for whatever reason, I don't think I'd be able to find something finically similar or be able to support myself without a degree or career. I stopped going to school when I was pregnant with my second child in order for him to continue to earn his Ph.D, which he did. I so feel you on your husband only having you. I am my husbands only friend, only confidant, only supporter. It is very codependent and also very smothering for me. It actually makes me quite sad that he really is in love with me, enmeshed with me and unable to split his happiness and self worth from my own. He is not pressuring me for sex however, and I agree with everyone else that you need to set up some strict boundaries with him. And stick to them. Having sex out of obligation or guilt is really not healthy for either of you. It confuses him and makes you resentful.
Hey, sending you more hugs. Wow, the patriarchy really fucks men up. I hear so many women who say they are their man's only friend and confidant. That's more or less my situation too, and I find it stifling even though I still love my husband and am not gay. If I were in your shoes, man. Sending you love.
