31 and Finally Coming Out

I'm 31 years old and this coming weekend I plan to come out to my mother.

I'm terrified. I don't even know where to begin.

I've lived the majority of my life as a straight woman. I have only dated men, and I was even married for a brief period of time. But I always had this feeling, like an itch in the back of my brain that something wasn't right. I thought for a while that maybe I was bisexual, and thought that sharing those feelings would "spice things up" for me and my male partners in the bedroom. But as I got older, I drank more and the drinking made my relationships bearable. I could ignore feeling as though I never fit with my male partners. I rationalized my thoughts as boredom, or sheer curiosity, and then one day I looked in the mirror and had this weird sensation that I didn't look like myself.

That's when things started to change...slowly. I cut my hair super short, but I still wore a ton of makeup so that I didn't "seem" gay. I kept drinking. But after my marriage ended I couldn't see myself with a man anymore. I hooked up with a couple of guys and it felt wrong, I felt empty. I started talking to a woman online and realized that I was attracted to her, not just physically but I wanted to know her. I cared about her.

And then seven months ago I took a plunge and changed my dating profile to "heteroflexible." And I got a message, from a gorgeous, intelligent, intriguing woman who I actually knew through a mutual friend. And we went out for coffee. And seven months later we are still together and I have never been so in love. I have never felt this connected to anyone - physically, emotionally, we click.

The trouble is, only a handful of people know I'm a lesbian. As in three people. None of them are family members. My sister is 21, and though I know she'll be supportive, I don't want to have her hold the burden of this secret while I gather the courage to tell my mom and dad. And I'm fairly certain that my dad will be OK with it...in time.

But my mom...that's going to be tough. She isn't exactly supportive of the gay community. She's said things like "it's a choice" and two women having sex sounds like the grossest thing in the world. Why would anyone choose that lifestyle?

About a month ago, my uncle asked me in front of my sister, mother, and aunt if i was living an "alternative lifestyle." Basically he was asking me if I was gay now that I'm not married and not dating any guys. My mom was furious, but the rest of that weekend she kept asking me if I was gay. "You're not like that are you? Of course not. Please tell me you're not a lesbian." I couldn't respond. I wasn't ready to be out to her, wasn't confident enough. And she seemed so torn up and heartbroken by the thought that I could be. So I said nothing.

I know my mother loves me, but I know that this will hurt her, mainly because i have lied to her for seven months about how I spend my free time, about my relationship, and I've lied to her about my sexuality too.

So yeah, I'm terrified. Any advice about difficult coming out situations, about breaking out of a double-life would be greatly appreciated. I'm currently feeling like yes I need to come out in order to grow, to lessen my anxiety, to be happy and live an authentic life, but I'm scared of losing my mom, and of no longer hiding.

Thanks all!

<3m

 

Thanks - I really appreciate the words of encouragement. I leave tomorrow for my mother's and I'll be sure to post updates.

 

I did it. Last night I told my mother that I was gay, that I was in a relationship with a woman. Unfortunately I told her because I was leaving this morning, and because her and I got into an argument. Worst decision ever - it was reactive on my part and what I struggled to avoid. I suppose that's what happens when you hide as long as I have.

As I predicted, she was upset because I lied to her. I talk to her a lot, and that meant I lied to her about who I was with and what I was doing all the time. She felt betrayed and confused and this was out of the blue for her. So she's shell-shocked and saying things like "I lost my daughter." Though she did at one point say that she loves me know matter what. It's a back and forth, up and down rollercoaster and I get texts or calls from her every few hours.

She however came out to my sister, and my dad for me without my permission. Luckily the two of them were extremely supportive. I had a wonderful talk with my dad who told me that he only wants me to be happy. And that eventually my mother will come around and until then, and for always, he'll be there to support me.

All I can say is, it's been 24 hours and I am all over the place. I'm exhausted, and sad, and happy, and thrilled that I'm finally able to be honest and excited out loud about my relationship and sexuality. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but knowing that my dad and sister, and girlfriend and friends are there to support me helps me deal with the hurt and anxiety of my current relationship with my mother.

Deep breaths...