Okay... I kind of feel stupid having to talk about this, mostly because I don't like talking about this too much or too seriously... I've been wondering if I'm ftm, trans-masculine, or just some non-binary gender like gender-queer or fluid-flux... Up until now I didn't really care; I always just kept myself busy with schoolwork or one of my many hobbies, but now I've been a little more social and I find myself sick of people assuming things about me... When I was in elementary-school I was pretty equal as far as friends and gender-stereotyped activities go... I did play house with my cousins at the time; I don't remember what I played as, but I think I remember them getting sick of playing that with me... I remember my dad or grandma calling me a tomboy, but I remember smiling about though I'm not quite sure why... Around 3rd grade my chest area started to develop. I remember complaining to my mom that I didn't want it to happen, that I didn't want to wear a bra, but she said I would eventually have to and that I needed to get used to it. I ended up having to wear 'training shirts' until 4th grade, when I got a comment from a girl as we walked in the hallway at school. She commented that I need to start wearing a bra, and I didn't really comment with much other than just folding my arms around my chest... In early middle-school I got my first monthly thing... I had been so convinced that it wouldn't happen, and was scared when it did. I ended up trying to hide it, thinking it was a mistake and would just go away... When I thought it was going I just did things normally again and rode my bike with a pair of white shorts... That's how my grandma and dad found out. As she was telling me what to do, I told her how I felt about it; it didn't feel right or natural, but I had a hard time expressing it especially after she told me it was completely normal and I'd get used to it... After it was over I was so sure it wouldn't happen again, or at least that's what I hoped. It did happen again, however, but still I was so convinced every time that it would never happen again or it'd eventually go away after a year or two... It didn't and now when I get it, it kind of feels like the end of the world and brings on a lot of anxiety and depression... Everyone was so proud and happy when I first got it, and I still don't really understand why. I've already decided that I wouldn't want a child of my own, for more reasons that the fact that it'd probably feel like a foreign object inside me... As far as clothes go I primarily like more masculine clothes and get anxiety whenever I try to shop for clothes; if I go to the girls section there's almost nothing good there, if I go to the guys section then everyone will question me... There is the occasional day (literally 1-3, sometimes none) of the month where I'll want to wear pink or sparkly things, which both on a normal circumstance I hate... I do smile or slightly laugh if my guyfriends accidentally use male pronouns, and have been mad that they've actually been seeing me more as a girl lately... I used to be afraid to cut my hair, probably for people seeing my lack of femininity, which around middleschool I would wear makeup just because it seemed like the normal thing to do, although I still felt like I wasn't like the other girls... Now, I hate my hair being so long, and often times confuse it as a spider on my shoulder or something... I've been keeping it longer though, to distract from my large-ish chest... Some days these things really upset me. Others I just pretend not to notice, don't want to think about it, and/or just don't care... I know this is a long message, so thanks to anyone who actually reads it... So, do you think I'm ftm, genderfluid, or some other gender?... Really, thanks for listening... Btw, Forget Me...
