Do I need to come out to my wife?

I feel like it would be the right thing to do. That way she'll know why you haven't been talking to her and she won't feel like it's her fault. You're just the way that you are and you need to be true to yourself.

 

Hi Jimm

Try not to make it a "blame game" but rather try to find a way forward. Only you will know if it is the right time to tell your wife, but from what you are saying I personally feel you need to do something soon as neither of you can go on as you are.

Good lucky buddy in whatever you decide, we are here for you if you need us.

Sending you hugs

(&&&)

Jamie
xx

 

Do you have kids? Do you both work? I'd think beyond "tell/not tell" to other things first. Decide what you want and then decide when to tell her.

I Would suggest an open marriage might be a possibility (since she was maybe sleeping with other guys already) but it seems like you are pretty done with your relationship.

 

There's no absolute right or wrong answer to this question.

I would recommend against disclosing your sexuality until you understand the legal ramifications of doing so. Since your marriage is already on shaky ground, you could keep your sexuality out of the divorce since it's not the primary motivation for divorce. If you choose to disclose your sexuality to your wife, you are potentially giving her ammunition to throw in your face to make your life miserable.

Unfortunately divorce is ugly and messy and preparation is essential. I would suggest a consultation with a divorce attorney who knows the laws in New Zealand before deciding to tell her or not.

 

No right answer here, particular given the history you had mentioned here and other prior postsThe only thing I would ask myself if I were you, is if you feel a personal need based on your own level of comfort with yourself, your own identity and hapiness. While doing that, it would be fair to take into consideration the prospects that she would most likely find out at some point in the future; and if that's the case, how would it be best to manage the messaging

I had contemplated such a choice before I came out, and concluded for me it was best to be open up front.

 

I agree with this. It sounds like she has cheated which is a sign that she has checked out of the marriage anyway. From a moral standpoint I don't think you owe it to her to tell her. It could complicate your life while you are waiting to separate. If you wait until after you are living on your own you won't have to deal with her negativity over it. She can go complain to her friends then and you can enjoy your quiet apartment. (My advice might be different if she hadn't cheated, I don't know)

 

What are the issues with the marriage assuming she had not cheated? Or would removing her cheating result in a typical marriage where you want to get out of the marriage because you are gay?

 

I seem to recall from another thread that it sounded like she wasn't treating you with much respect, on top of having cheated. Based on what you have said so far I wouldn't recommend telling her.

 

In the hypothetical case where your wife had not cheated and assuming that you are confident that you are gay, I will share with what I did when I faced that situation. After consulting with a divorce attorney, I came out to my wife as gay and came clean with my own infidelity. I faced a lot of anger that made my life a living hell, which is why I would suggest waiting until you are separated before coming out to your wife as gay if at all possible. Ultimately there is no right or wrong answer here. You need to read the posted advice from everyone, integrate it with your own values, and then be prepared for the consequences of your decisions.

 

The problem I see with keeping silent about it is that if it is discovered, then it becomes a huge piece of ammunition, not simply that you are gay, but that you kept it from her...such things destroy trust at a time when there is already a lot of distrust, and can push a person who was trying initially to be reasonable to...stop trying to be reasonable and hurt you as much as they've been hurt (and it does hurt to feel like you've been lied to or had important information kept from you). Yes, of course, if you tell her you're gay, the simple fact that she knows can turn it into ammunition...but at least you were open about it, and she has no reason to lose trust. Then, as Stevefs says, it's just a thing about you that explains why there is incompatibility.

That all said, I also agree that there is no clear-cut answer to this. You don't "need" to do anything. It's really a matter of what is most likely to make your life easiest...unfortunately, the risk if you don't tell is different in nature from the risk if you do tell.

 

Hmm...good question...I'm on the fence on that but would lean towards not telling her, at least not yet. I've read some of your previous posts and you sound very torn on the issue. I'm curious, are you out to anyone in your life? If you are not that is likely contributing to your pain. It is such a relief coming out to just one person- as long as that person is supportive. Don't let her be the first person you come out to. If/when you come out to her it's going to be very difficult. You need a solid support network before you do that.

 

It sounds like you are taking all the right steps then. Glad you have people in your life you can talk to. That makes such a difference.

 

I wish you happiness. You are treading carefully, looking at consequences before you act and that is a good way to get started. I am glad you're open to therapy too.

I'd agree to speak with a lawyer before disclosing, if it is possible for you to do so. It sounds like your marriage has enough issues to move forward with separation if that's what you decide you want. I'm glad you moved out to give yourself some thinking space, but maybe consult a lawyer about that, too. You don't want to be seen as abandoning your kids (I know you are not but legally speaking).

You seem very sure and methodical in your approach to this and I could learn a lot from this. You're probably bi since you think you are. One thing I learned is to not try and label myself, it just made me frustrated.

Sincerely,
not straight

 

You have plenty of reasons to dissolve this relationship irregardless of your sexual orientation. A partner who is cheating can MAKE you feel uncertain about your own adequacy and orientation, and you don't need that weighing on your mind and confusing things as you try to discover who you really are. I would suggest that you resolve the relationship before the journey of self-discovery begins.