Is my marriage even fixable?

Every thing is fixable if you want it to be. Hubs and i have realized pur marriage as been shit for a while and just didnt notice. We are in a very uphill battle right now but dont want to end it so we are foinf to try we have a lot ofthe same issues as you guys. Aside from the we i well we do but its due to him being conpletely self absorbed. Hes willing to go to counselling tho.

As far as my sexuality. It doesnt fit in my marriage, at all. Cause hes not a female. Thats anotherchoice to make. What means more to you? I know i have a funny situation and dont see things the same as others (having yourbhsuband as your closest friend since you were 14 adds an inteesting spin,) and while your sexuality is not a choice what you do with it is. I know for me right now i value my husband and our friendship too much too chnage things to more fit my sexuality. I know i CAN be okay in a hetero mono relationship as long as we are putting in the work. But he stopped a long time ago. Havign his understanding about my lack of desire for sex is also something we are dealing with, he is entirely sexually attracted to me and while i find him and always have found him physically attractive i dont have a lot of sexual desire in that way.

Guess it also boils down to what your husband can deal with as well. If hes willing to make compromises deal with things etc.

Not sure whaere i was going with this. But perhaps i dont mean this negatively or harsh but maybe your focus on your marriage and sexuality is because you DONT want to stay married? I see nothing wrong with that if thats the case. Just seems to be that your posts have gone steadily in the direction of separation/divorce. I think if you will feel better not staying married than you should consider that. Consider everything look atthe huge picture of your future and where you want it and see how your marriage plays a part in that.

 

Maybe even a trial separation.

Its never one sided in a marriage takes twotoget into a marriage and it takes two to fuck it up

 

Oh, hon...I feel for you! Hugs!

As for whether your marriage is fixable, I don't think I could or should decide that for you...but I can give you my thoughts on your points, based on my own experiences. My issues went a bit farther into control and abuse which you probably aren't having to deal with (thank God), but I think there are some overlapping themes that we share nonetheless.

To me, a marriage has to be an equal partnership - the key word there being EQUAL - everything is shared, and both parties' voices are heard and valued. You don't have to agree or see eye to eye on everything, but you do have to be allowed to have your own voice and be heard. That was one of the main problems in my marriage, the power imbalance. So your comments about things not being equal really resonate with me. Complaints like housework not being shared equally may seem silly but they're not, because they are indicative of other, deeper things. If anything feels unequal to you, it is a valid concern and should be paid attention to. I get it.

I think the different parenting philosophies and life philosophies are things that can be worked out and common ground can be found, but the team and communication aspects HAVE to be there. If he is not willing to work on these things and/or go to counseling with you, I'm not sure what more you can really do, you know? Both parties have to be willing to work on their issues and acknowledge their role in the dysfunction, or nothing will change.

I don't know if I am being helpful at all...but I just want you to know that you are not alone and we are all here for you! Having been through it, I KNOW how hard this is. And I want to tell you that no matter what happens...you work it out or you divorce...either way, you will get through it, and you will eventually feel better. (*hug*)

 

I can trll you frome xperience that you trying harder or doing more will do nothing but burn you out til there is nothing left of you. He has to be willing to work and try also. Comes down to shit tons of communication, even shitty stuff. You have to be able to talk and understand each other, really.

Have you tried using some kind of at home self help marriage books type things? I kknow the 5love languages is a popular one

Editbut again, if you can try and really FEEL what it would be like to live without him and everything that encompasses and you are content with that that you have other decisions to make. But i think only you will know that. No one can tell you and i think probably deep down you probably know the answer

 

Take away the parenting issues (since we don't have kids) and this is pretty much my fiancee and I, to a tee. Of course, that might be why we shouldn't get married...ugh.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Baristajedi.

 

Are you financially able to leave?

 

I think if he won't agree to some type of counseling that it will be harder (but not impossible) to get your issues solved. Did you both write down what you want out of your relationship to see where there is overlap?

It seems like a lot of the issues stem from communication and expectation issues. These are certainly fixable issues, but you both have to be willing to do the work. Only you can decide if it's worth it to you to stay and fix it, stay and not fix it, trial separate to take some space and see what that would be like, or divorce.

On a separate note, I think I remember that you were also trying to figure out how much of a need/want female companionship is to you. This might play into that decision as well.

 

I have been reading a lot on this online lately, and it seems like any marriage, no matter where it is at, is 'fixable'. But it can take years or even decades of work to get it to where both are happy and content again.

Basically, for many of us here on this forum, when we came out of the closet to ourselves, BOOM our marriage[as we knew it] was over. Now we have the task of assessing and seeing if there is sufficient motivation to start over in a way, to put effort into what the next chapter of our marriage can be.

I don't know if I want to put even more effort into it. I'm already exhausted. But maybe if he gave up and stopped trying, then I'd step up to the plate.

The whole thing is frustrating. In a book 'Tiny beautiful things' by Cheryl Strayed, she says (paraphrasing) that it doesn't matter the reason, your unhappiness alone is enough to justify leaving a relationship.

I don't know the right answer for you, but I want you to be happy. Please keep us updated.

 

Those things sound pretty bad, tbh. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure anyone listing only the problems in their marriage would sound bad?

 

(&&&)(&&&)(&&&)

I thought you needed them.

Now. The hard part.
Is your marriage fixable? Honestly...there is so much that you are struggling with and you sound so damn unhappy. Marriage should be a good thing, something that makes you happy. Can you be happy in this marriage?

I can feel your frustration. I can feel how conflicted you are. You need time out. Time out to get your head together. Time out to be the you you want to be. Time out to process everything and find out who you are.

Do you want to fix your marriage? Do you honestly believe you can continue to live as you are right now? Is it good for your daughter to have her mother so unhappy?

I think you need a whole lot more than you have now. And I think you know it.


(&&&)(&&&)(&&&)

 

Hmm. Here are a few thoughts from me. If they feel wrong for you, forget about them.

I've been in that place, too. Doing the "correct, patient thing". But aren't you forgetting how that makes you feel? Doing the patient thing doesn't make you a good person. It makes you frustrated.

I think oftentimes we abandon ourselves so we can do "the right thing". But you are the only one who knows what you are going through, and you are the only one who can take responsibility for the human that is you. Whatever your body/mind is experiencing is real, and it doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you less of a team player in your marriage and it doesn't mean your heart is any less filled with love and good intentions.

If you keep sacrificing yourself, you will keep experiencing the marriage as "hard", and taking "a lot of work". This is possibly an effective strategy to avoid seeing that you two are not compatible - at least not in this moment. I'm not saying that's the case. Not at all! Only you know what's true. And you can only know what's true for you, not for him, or for both of you. In that sense there is no "we". You can only experience yourself. It's your job, then, to know yourself as fully and deeply as possible, and then communicate from that place in the most honest and compassionate way you have available.

 

I ask, because, in the closest situation I can relate to in my own life, when I was married to a homophobic man and realized I wanted to leave, I wasn't even remotely in a position to do so, and I kept quiet for two years about everything until I was able to actually move out on my own. But, I had also made up my mind to leave him, and I had said/tried enough over that time with little enough success with him that I had no doubt whatsoever that I would leave.

What I mean is, if it's not feasible, then I hope you'll accept and be patient with yourself about the time that you need to process your thoughts. Coming to a decision that isn't feasible isn't helpful unless you intend to begin that very moment to start making preparations to make it feasible. Does that make sense? What I mean is, you could make yourself crazy by spending too long considering options that aren't options right now. I only say this because for myself I have not been able to have any objectivity whatsoever about whether/with whom to have relationships without knowing that I can truly survive on my own. And that took me a LONG time!

I don't mean to be harsh and I always feel like I sound harsh or arrogant. I only mean... don't be hard on yourself for not knowing, when it's very difficult to assess options that may not be possible at the moment.

I know my situation was not yours in the slightest, with no kids involved. It was so easy for me (relatively speaking!) I had to break a heart but not disrupt a child's life.

I just hope that you give yourself the nurturing of knowing that your own individual life takes time to build, and it is ok to take care of yourself materially while you work on how to make independence a possibility (if you decide that you'd like it to be a possibility.) That decision, in my mind, ought to come first, so that you are in a position of power to negotiate terms of a relationship.

Remember that another feature of us "later in life" is that we had plenty of brainwashing that we could rely on a man for our security and that we should do that...

Ugh, tell me that I'm being an idiot here or thoughtless. I can't tell if I am or I am not! (*hug*)

---------- Post added 24th Oct 2015 at 07:48 AM ----------

Oh, and I just remembered this great book, if you haven't seen it:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

 

(&&&)(&&&)

Whatever happens, know we all want the best for you, and will support you no matter what (*hug*)