So, one thing I've suggested and you guys might think this is a horrible idea but I don't know... I've suggested that we wait to legally get married. At this point, we have not gotten a marriage license from the local city hall where we are getting married (it's a small town in New Jersey, not at home in NYC). So we've decided that while we will have the ceremony on the planned day (if we go through with it), we will wait until afterwards to go to City Hall here in NYC and have the marriage made legal. Given all of our issues, I've suggested to my fiancee that we wait 6 months. That way we have room to see if the wedding planning was causing a lot of the fights, and time to feel out if this is what we want to continue doing (since the pressure of the big party and all of the family and friend obligations will be gone) or if we are ready to call it quits and move on. If things are better in 6 months, we go to City Hall and make it legal. If things haven't gotten better, we break up and at least it isn't a messy legal issue at all. It's just your basic, averagely difficult breakup. My fiancee isn't crazy about this idea (I know, most people might not be) but I do think it has merit. Plus I know plenty of people who have had weddings and not gotten legally married until later on, or vice versa. Heck my friend was telling me about a couple that had a wedding and NEVER legally got married. They're still together and have kids and everything. It's just not a crazy option to me. ---------- Post added 22nd Oct 2015 at 10:50 AM ---------- Cap, I appreciate you continuing to respond because you've been giving me some interesting perspectives on this whole thing. You may feel like you're talking to a wall if I don't respond by simply saying you're right (and I do think you're right with a lot of what you're saying) but I promise I am taking everything in. Part of me feels like she's not hearing what I am telling her because it goes against what she wants to be hearing. I think the wedding has something to do with that (like you said, she's busy with dress fittings and little details, though my aunt is doing a lot of the little details now) but I also have a feeling that she just isn't the person who can focus a lot on my needs. Without judging her, I will say that she has told me that her past relationships pretty much went that way. She's dated plenty and I'm easily the most serious relationship she's ever had, before we were even engaged. She dated a guy for 5 years once. The day he moved to the city she lived in, she up and moved to another country for business and didn't even tell the guy before leaving. She told me that I am the first guy she's ever kept in mind when making life decisions. I know that when things started getting more serious with us, I took on doing a lot of things for her. When she complains about how I've changed as a person, she sights these things (ie: she misses the guy "who would make her lunches and dinners"). That makes me feel like she didn't fall for me, but for the things I did for her. Granted, I did those things because I liked being able to take care of her and because I thought it would make her want to be with me more, so I've put myself into this position. But it's tough. I just feel like as I start to try and take care of myself, her main interest is in why I'm not taking care of her anymore. And she's not equipped for taking care of me, especially emotionally. She is a great person, I don't want to undersell her. I did fall in love with her for a reason. I just wish it felt like she fell in love with me for those same reasons. Right now, it doesn't. ---------- Post added 22nd Oct 2015 at 10:51 AM ---------- I genuinely don't think it's going to get better. Sadly. ---------- Post added 22nd Oct 2015 at 10:56 AM ---------- Thank you very much Rachael! Your words are very touching and really feel good to read. I am 100% sticking with my therapy for a long time. That is one thing I've made clear to my fiancee. When I started going, I believe she was less than thrilled. She wanted me to "focus on us" and not on myself. I told her that I need to do this, to understand myself, and made it clear to her that I do believe that could even mean that I figure out I am gay and we have to deal with that if it happens. I've told her I know it is a lot to ask for her to go through this journey with me and I do not blame her if she decides that she can't do it. In a lot of ways, I think we're both just stuck on the difficulty of picturing a life without the other person. Since we've both done so much in the past 3 years to build a life together. I completely agree about the mid-life crisis. Frankly, I'm pretty sure I'm going through that now! I prefer to call it a quarter-life crisis though, as I don't want to only live to 64. :icon_wink
I think that's pretty genius. A way to have both things. :roflmao: haha.. I wasn't specific.. I didn't mean to age you beyond your years. What I meant to say is you could very well have a midlife crisis when you reach midlife, due to you putting your feelings on the back burner and accommodating everyone else. If you are purposefully suppressing yourself it'll just all come bursting out later. That's why the therapy is so important, and I'm thrilled you will continue with it no matter what happens with your current relationship or marital status. Please keep us updated
Hey man, I'm proud of you. Really proud. I know that sounds condescending but I don't mean it that way at all. I think delaying the legal cereomony and continuing to be open with her about your issues is great. And I agree with you that there are some red flags in how she treats men, by her own admission. (That being said, if you changed the gender, one would hardly fault a man for acting as she does. But that's really neither here nor there. You don't need to hear my gender politics. ) Best wishes. I'm pulling for you.
as harsh as this may sound, that women is in for some serious problems down in her life if she decides to marry. whether it's a year from now, or 5, it's inevitable you'll eventually be in conflict.. unless of course, if you're the type that prefer catering to others before yourself.
You're probably right about if a man did that most people wouldn't bat an eye. I would never do that though. And I'd never stand for a man doing that to me, haha. Thank you again. I really do appreciate all of the support from you guys. ---------- Post added 24th Oct 2015 at 02:48 AM ---------- I am that person who caters to others over myself. But that's also a habit/trait I am trying to break free from. It's something we are talking about in therapy.
