Thinking about the past tonight... I met someone I haven't seen in many years, we spoke briefly (heavenly minutes) and I realized my attraction to her. Back at home, I'm watching queer films where women are making love to each other, and my eyes are so hungry. I feel their connection, I understand how it can feel: free, easy... not held back, not hindered... not filtered, not half there... but fully there, fully present. Earlier as my old acquaintance was leaning a little bit closer to talk to me I saw her so clearly, her face made so much sense, it was so real. I had to hold myself back not to let it show, as if miniscule muscles all over were activating to keep me from fully experiencing it. I felt a hot sensation in my chest, fluttering, and a sense of being so alive; how could each nerve in me feel so alive, as though they had all been frozen until now? When she looked into my eyes, I had to take care not to look too eagerly into hers, so she wouldn't catch a glimpse of what I was feeling. At home, I watch movies where women are making love, and then I think about what it would be like to make love to a girl but I know already. It's very strange, because it's as if there is no resistance, as though the body opens. So easy to feel good. Suddenly I remember my first love. I suddenly remember her hands, and I miss them. I was in love with her but kept her at arm's length because she was so beautiful I was afraid of what would happen if she loved me. I've stopped asking myself "am I gay". It's pointless, I'll never know. I feel gay, I dream of girls, I'll never know anything. I don't try to prove anything. Nothing to prove. All that exists are my raw feelings. I get sad, suddenly, in strange moments of realization. I suddenly realize something for which there are no words, as if I'm watching myself from the outside, feeling like I have a new set of eyes, and needing to cry suddenly, and it's an immense sadness that feels like letting go. What will my parents say? "Mom, dad... I was born gay." I can't believe it. As right as it feels to be with a woman, that's how wrong it feels to be with a man. How? Why? I can't believe it. Does this thing even exist? I can't believe there's not a choice to be made. Mom, dad, you have a gay child. Yes, you, mom. What do I say to my parents when the time comes? How will they see me then? Do they even know me? Have they ever known me? Feeling emotional right now... just needed to write a little bit. Time for a good night's sleep I think.
That was beautiful. I dont have much advice otherwise. Came out to my Mom yesterday as "I think i got my sexual orientation wrong". dont think i ever will to my dad. That feeling you describe, is agony to me. Agonizing and terrifying. I realized that i may have been in love with my best friend from highschool but it was much different than anything i have ever felt for a man. And thats scary cause ive never pursued those feelings and only know wat t feels to feel thibgs with a man. Sucks. We are hereforyou and your post was truly beautiful hugs!
Thank u for sharing - I can relate - I have just come out of denial and am now a gay women ( even though my brain at times says 'am I really gay - in my heart and spirit I know I am As u say the openness of sexual feeling - I do not feel any inner shame now and that is wonderful Re telling parent etc - gee I don't know I am in the same boat - I know I haven't and won't be a people pleaser and so when it comes out of my mouth it will and when it does I trust it will be the 'right time Best wishes
I can relate to this so much. And all of what you've written - so beautiful. And so smooth and real and alive. Thanks
You always describe things so beautiful, Sorrel, that I hardly dare put a comment! But this time I let myself to hearten you, if you allow me. I know how hard it seems to say that "thing" out load, but speaking from experience, I can assure you it is after all much easier than what you think right now. I don't know where you come from, but I am from the most restricted place you can imagine in the world for being gay (or even for being slightly different). And you know what?! I said it once for all, with no shame, with no shaking voice, with no sugar coating. I didn't even wait for the right moment to come, because I had waited enough and I had known that there would be no "better" right moment. There is only one right time, and it is when you feel the urge to say it. OK... I didn't exactly say that I was gay. Maybe because I was not exactly sure what label could cover my feelings, or maybe because we didn't even have a descriptive term in my mother tongue. But I said that I loved a girl, and I specifically said how much. I think the latter part was the convincing part. I mean when you describe your love for someone, people normally understand it much better than when you put emphasize on your sexual orientation. And with this eloquent language that you have who would not get impressed by hearing your story?! Anyway you can say it to your parents or not, you can say it to her or not. But do not miss the chance of looking into her eyes as long as she looks back.
That's very brave, Sonetto! I admire your courage. You're letting love win completely over fear, that's beautiful...
Wow that was beautiful. You put into words so much of what I have been feeling lately. Absolutely beautiful.
Hi Sorrel. Thank you for your honesty and beautiful poetic words. I feel the same way. The excitement of finally finding the truth, the apprehension of what life will be like (especially my love life) and etc. It's awesome and scary at the same time. So much of my past suddenly makes sense now, it's amazing. But, also I live in a small town and I'm wondering when/how I will meet someone. It's a little scary to let go and trust. Okay, a lot scary, but I had this thought the other day: that I would rather wait a hundred years for a beautiful woman (the one for me) than be with a guy right now. I know who I am, but like you said, does this really exist. I've been fighting it for so long, that I still have some of that left in my brain. ...but not in my heart. Anyway, thanks again. (*hug*)
melissakok, yeah. I'm starting to realize that I have a very intricate muscle memory that wants to "take care" of me by avoiding certain ideas and behaviours. It's about little details. These tiny shifts inside the mind and body are so small they usually go unnoticed. For instance, I can look all I want at beautiful women when I'm outside walking around. But to really, actually consider approaching one -- my brain starts to shut down. If I listen closely I can hear the small voices inside me urging me never to consider it: "Useless..." "Pointless..." "Will never happen..." "She's too beautiful..." "That would be too wonderful..." "You are not allowed to feel that good..." I guess at one point these voices served a purpose. But they do not anymore. So I completely know what you mean!
Hi Sorrel. Yep those thoughts once served a purpose to keep me closeted away from facing something huge that I wasn't ready to at the time I guess. And to maybe share with others someday that we can find ourselves at any age and its so worth it! All the struggles and lies to myself, its all worth it in the end no matter how much time it takes. I'll be there someday we will get there... Now to keep listening to my heart/gut/core and less to my brain... (&&&)