Is is OK to call myself lesbian? Would that offend lesbian women?

Hi everyone, I'm new here.

My question is quite similar to TeaTree's below.

I'm 40yrs old, I was sexually active with men since my teens, I was into clubbing and partying hard and had a LOT of men in my life let's just say. I had a few attractions and some small incidents with women but I never questioned that I was straight, I might have said maybe bi-curious.

Then things got really out of hand with my drug use (ecstacy & coke mainly) and drinking. Just over 10 years ago I had a serious mental breakdown and I came to realise that I was extremely unhappy from my traumatic childhood (I had a very abusive childhood) and all the sex with men and the partying had been just a massive 'cover up' for the deep and profound pain I was in. Plus over the years I have suffered sexual violence, abuse and assaults perpetrated by men.

I read a lot of self help books including stuff like Women, Sex, and Addiction by Charlotte Davis-Kasl and did a lot of recovery work. I realised the only way forward in my life was to quit drugs and quit men for a substantial period until I got well. Like I say that was over 10 years ago. I have never had sex or a relationship with anyone since.

Over time and through various processes I turned into a bit of a 'man-hater', which I am not staunchly any more, just a little bit. But I certainly do not find men sexually attractive whatsoever, I find the idea of being with a man repulsive and it makes me feel nausea if I think about it. At the same time I feel strongly attracted to women, I fantasise sexually about women and I crave the opportunity to be in a relationship with a woman. But I have no experience except a few sexual encounters when I was younger which were more really like swinging or promiscuity. People who know me of old would be VERY shocked if I said I'm gay at this point in my life not because they're judgmental or small minded but because I used to be such a slapper and such a 'man's woman'.

Also, I'm worried that lesbians would find me labeling myself lesbian offensive. I know a lot of lesbian women say they were born that way and it isn't a choice. I don't want to offend anyone but I honestly truly believe and feel in my heart I'm 100% lesbian. But I can't exactly 'prove it'.

I've been on strong medication for many years which removed my libido entirely. Since I quit that medication 6 mths ago I have started to think about this issue a lot. I would like to start dating and I realised I am ONLY interested in women. I could not define myself as bisexual, I could never be with a man again. I feel like I've totally changed and it's very confusing. I have no idea where to start, I'm not working, I've been on sick benefit for 10 yrs now. I'm not fit enough to do the work I used to do and I've long since lost all my work. I'm battling severe depression and anxiety so I am not a good catch for any woman. The only thing I have going for me is when I'm in a good frame of mind I'm sociable, chatty, creative, intelligent. I'm also good looking and look far younger than my real age. I'm trying to lose the bit of extra weight I gained whilst I was ill and get fit again so at least I have something to offer. I know a lot of lesbian women are very proud of being fit, healthy, and having a profession. My self esteem is rock bottom, I don't know where to start making new friends never mind meeting gay women.

Meantime. Please can someone tell me.

- Would lesbian women find it offensive that I call myself lesbian?

- How does anyone get started meeting women at my age when they have no prior experience?

- Are there any members here in London UK? Does anyone know any good resources or therapists / counsellors?


THANK YOU so much for reading this long post. All help gratefully received


xxx J xxx

 

Hi High Art

Thanks for the reply. I the same as you about the label, I don't feel ready for it but recently had to fill in some forms for various reasons (community college registration and such like) and they all asked about sexual identity. This pushed the 'label' issue forwards for me because I've been using the 'prefer not to say' option for the last few years.

I know that funding, resources, and support is gained by how many people tick which box and minority groups have to be supported. So I suddenly felt overwhelmingly wrong to keep putting 'prefer not to say'. I thought no way am I putting bisexual. So I started ticking gay / lesbian or 'same sex', although it felt alien and strange to do so, it also felt RIGHT. But my heart & mind are not aligned.

Also another difficulty I have is I live in C London, it's very multicultural and my local area has a high percentage of bi, gay, trans, everything. As a single woman with no kids, people occasionally directly (on a friendly basis) ask how I identify myself. That is super awkward. I usually just say 'not straight' and leave it at that. Like yourself I'm not ready for, if ever, to go around announcing a label. In fact that time may never come because I don't see why I should have to explain myself to anyone.

If / when the time comes that I am dating a woman I shall simply tell people who know me that this is my partner. If they raise a few eyebrows or such that doesn't matter. Also, I don't know if this has happened to you but I've had to fend off a few guys and that is super awks. Such as friend of friend saying X is interested in you. I've just kept it to a simply 'I'm not interested' with no explanation.

 

Well I'm queer alright in every sense of the word Nobody could dispute that!

---------- Post added 19th Oct 2015 at 02:18 AM ----------

Hi SnowshoeGeek!

Thanks for the welcome & reply. I think it's great you're out there talking to people in real life as well as here. I am taking baby steps towards doing that, ie thinking about attending a local 'Friends' support drop in centre which has groups and facilities for all colours of the rainbow including a 'coming out group' and all manner of discussions and social events.

I agree that a woman can be lesbian without having experience, my previous therapist said that during conversation once, although she wasn't aiming the comment at me personally (I don't think...) haha :/

For me abstaining from relationships was extremely easy because I was sick and tired of the turbulence, drama, and high velocity of it all. I think a person has to get to that point to truly achieve change. And easier again for me I had already started to consciously stop liking men in many ways feeling aggrieved about my past. When I stepped off the emotional rollercoaster and all I truly wanted was peace of mind, it was extremely easy. In fact it got so nice being alone that it's taken all this time to want to even think about moving on from my celibacy phase into the dating world again. Also, like I said I was on medication that removed my libido so I wasn't having the normal urges - for most people an unhappy side effect, for me it was bonus.

I hope you reach some resolution. I'm no expert but all I know is there's some kind of process that you can't rush. If you stay true to yourself, one day you will feel sure in your heart of something, whatever it is. I think that's when a state of true integrity has been achieved.

Anyway, glad to be here and thanks for the warm welcome x J