No choice but to live a lie

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Don't worry. No one here is going to think any less of you because you haven't come out. I've come out to one person.
Everyone here is struggling for one (or many) reasons.

Welcome.

Now..honestly, the first thing I would do is change your locks. Seriously. She gets to control your life because she can impose herself in it any time she pleases. You are entitled to your privacy.

And you have made the first step in finding a way to deal with this. You came here and asked for help. Baby steps, but that's a big one.

 

If she has mental issues, are they diagnosed or is that just your perception? If diagnosed, does she have custody of your daughter?

As suggested above, change your locks!

Nothing should stop you from exploring your sexuality. If your not comfortable having people go to your place, why not go to their place? First meet publicly, then if the person passes the initial "smell" test, head to theirs.

London is such a big city. There are plenty of opportunities for you to explore and experiment.

 

Your divorced? How could you not be free from her? I don't exactly understand that.

 

Firstly, contact your landlord and explain that your ex has keys to your apartment and you would like the locks changed. I'm sure you'll have to pay for it, but it will be worth it for your peace of mind.

Second, although different the laws regarding parental custody are similar to those here in the States. Hire a good Barister and review your custody issues.

Third if your ex has mental health issues you should also have these addressed with the Barister.

Fourth If you want to have someone over you go right ahead. Your an adult and your ex should have zero space in your head as far as anything is concerned about your sexuality.

Lastly, ENJOY LIFE. ENJOY BEING YOU. WE'RE ONLY HERE FOR A FINITE TIME LIVE YOUR LIFE.

 

Hi Jamie1975. Welcome.

Reading your posts, it sounds to me like you have two things on your mind: your ex and her influence on your life, and your sexuality. They also overlap a bit, since you feel that your ex is hindering you from exploring who you are or how you would like to live.

I understand it's nowhere near easy to make changes to the way things are. Many of us here on EC are or have been in similar situations. If it doesn't feel right to ask your ex to return your keys, don't do it. Whatever you do, it has to feel right. However, it sounds to me as though you're asking yourself how much she should be allowed to influence your life, and that is a healthy thing.

We're here for you

 

All of this is incredibly difficult. But you DO have a choice. You have choices and you have excuses. Yes, your excuses are totally valid, but do you want to live making choices, or making excuses?
You have a supportive community here, we are rooting for you, and all of us know that none of this is at all easy.
(*hug*)

 

I still don't understand how can she have a lot to say with your life? Are you getting maintaince payments from her?

 

Wow. We should all frame this comment and put it up on our walls!

 

Man, take it slow; don't worry about everything at once. See if you can focus on one issue at a time.

A small change might make you feel good: maybe get those locks changed and use that as a symbolic stepping stone to taking charge of your life.

Work on your sexuality LAST, work on your ability to see yourself as a valid person FIRST. The sexuality seems to be the least of your issues to me.

 

Baby steps are great. And I think cap colours is right, self love!!! You are worthy

 

Many of the questions you are asking yourself seem to arise from a place of fear; fear of coming out now, fear of your ex and her reaction to you coming out, fear of losing access to your daughter, fear of forming relationships with other men. It's a fairly heavy mix and there is no wonder you are struggling with it all Jamie. (*hug*)

So how do you try to move forward? Well, first of all take some deep breaths and avoid panicking about it because it will not help to get so wound up. I would then suggest you think about obtaining some advice on your parental rights, because a lot of the fear is driven by a lack of awareness of your basic rights. As things stand you are not being denied access to your daughter and things seem reasonably calm, but it's understandable that you should worry about what might happen. How would you feel about talking to Citizens Advice in confidence about your circumstances? It may seem rather daunting, but the advisors at the CAB are trained to help without judging and knowing exactly where you stand should give you a degree of confidence + it's free advice.

Changing the locks to your place need not be an issue. If I were a landlord, I would want to ensure that only my tenant had keys. If your landlord discovers that your ex is no longer resident, he/she could quite reasonably ask for the keys to be returned or have the locks changed. All you need to do is offer that as the reason.

Try to deal with things one at a time in order of priority. As it stands you have a whirlwind of thoughts going round in your mind and it would probably prove too distracting to have any kind of meaningful relationship with another guy just yet. If you can begin to prioritise you may find yourself in a better place for dating a bit further down the line.

In the meantime continue talking about your feelings. It's far better to say what's on your mind and most of us will have at lease some personal experience or the ups and downs you are facing right now.

 

You could tell your landlord that you lost a set of keys and you are worried about so done using them to get in?
As for telling your ex why she can't have a set? Because you've given the spare set to your girlfriend? Put her off the track and reclaim your life.

Just one thing. You are in an abusive relationship with your ex. She is still controlling your life and the keys are just one symptom. You need to reclaim yourself. I know it's not easy. But it can be done. I've been where you are, an ex that stalked me and had his friends reporting back if there was a car outside my house. He used threats rearding the kids to stop me from seeing anyone while trying to terrorise me into coming back.
The best thing I ever did was stand up to him.

And it was hard. And scary. And it took a lot of time and energy and stress, and in that moment, a lot of anger to do it. But damn. It felt great.

Reclaim your life. You are allowed to have one.

 

Why would you think you are gay just because you take risks by peeping at guys in the bathroom? Honesty, people shouldn't be doing that anyway, it's rude.