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Virginity, coming out and other issues

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by bookwormBRAZIL, Oct 13, 2015.

  1. bookwormBRAZIL

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    Hi, everybody! Greetings from Brazil

    Basically, i think my story will be sound really strange, once my first language is not English. Anyway, I will try to make myself the clearest as possible.

    I came out at the beginning of this year, some time after my 21th birthday. It was a great relief to me: I finally have this opportunity to not hide my feelings anymore to my mother, my two closest friends were very accepting regarding my sexuality and, after years of repression, I realized that being more authentic to my true me is much better that I imagined before. Interestingly, my first reaction to the coming out process was trying to find a boyfriend. I wasn’t very sexual at the moment, which sounds completely different from other guys who experienced a “slutty phase” after coming out. For me, coming out was about authenticity. I haven’t came out of the closet to started dating boys, but dating meant to me that I could finally have a boyfriend without all those fears and insecurities that a closeted guy has.

    So… I started using some apps and websites and I found some cute guys. For one of them, I found myself with a huge crush (and at the same time it was awful, I became happy to discover that I can have romantic feelings for someone!:lol:slight_smile:. Nothing serious happened, and in the majority of situations everything ended without any explanations. But one day I went out with a wonderful guy. Our date was ok, but I really liked the guy (it is important to say that he gave me a ride, and we kissed in his car!! I loved it). However, some days after our date (and after some messages I sent to him) he responded to me: “We cannot be more than friends. Unfortunately we are in different moments of our lives, and if I continue to see you I will be taking advantage of you. Try to kiss boys in nightclubs… You will become a lot more confident!
    BUT we could have sex hehehe… but not more than that”.

    So… Yes, I agreed to have sex with him. I don’t know why, but my self-esteem was a really bit low after so many times receiving messages with “I like you just as a friend”. And he was really really really attractive and caring and beautiful… I swore it would be an amazing experience and I decided that expecting a “soulmate” to be my first guy was bullshit. So we made an appointment, but when the day came, he simply sent me a message saying he was sick and cancelled our “event”. After this, we have never talked anymore.

    And here I am. Virgin.

    It is strange, but I am not expecting anymore finding a boyfriend, but this experience showed me that I need to loose myself. I want to have sex. I want to make out and kissing boys without commitment. Everybody says that "searching" (in the sense of looking for someone) for a boyfriend isn’t healthy, but in this meantime why can’t I experience my sexuality? It is strange because before that last guy I was not feeling this kind of sexual urge: that rise on me just when this possibility passed through me. And here I am, thinking a lot about sex. It seems like having sex for the first time will make me more confident about my sexuality. Is it true?

    At the same time, I don’t know how to approach guys. I don’t have many friends, and when I went to nightclubs (here in Porto Alegre, where I live, the great majority of nightclubs has a mixed public, not necessarily a gay public) I don’t know how to make out with random guys. And when I downloaded a hookup app, I became really disgusted with the great part of men there (older and creepy men! Basically no one by my age…).
    Is it ok having this urge to lose my virginity, to lose myself and having sex? Or should I wait a little bit more? Many people say that after coming out they have a slutty phase, and I feel that my phase may be here, but I don’t know how to start it.
     
  2. Aspen

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    Congratulations on coming out! I'm glad to hear that the people around you have been accepting. I think it may be for the best that the guy cancelled on you. He doesn't want to go out with you anymore because he'll be "taking advantage" but he doesn't have a problem hooking up? That seems strange to me.

    There's nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality. The most important thing is to be safe about it. Make sure that you trust the person before you do anything and don't do anything you aren't ready for just because you want to have done it.
     
  3. aussielefty

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    and also if you meet up with some one on apps/pages ,like I have done, meet up at a random place in town, see if you like them first,..
    if you dont like them dont bring them home ..

    Always wear protection .. always...
     
  4. darth vader

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    here's my take.. when i was young.. the urge to lose my virginity was more of like a strong urge of curiosity.. looking back, i realized it doesn't make you less of a person if you're still a virgin.. :slight_smile:
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    As Aspen suggested, be safe.

    That said, go have fun! Take the people on apps with a grain of salt. You might need to look at a hundred guys before you find one that you may be interested in. And when you do find someone, be sure to try and engage a bit and learn what you can about him. It's good to meet in a pic,in place in advance. And if you have the slightest concern when meeting, be prepared to say thanks but no thanks.

    Also, just doing a quick search of your town, I found 2 gay bars and three gay dance clubs! Not sure I can post them here, but if I can find them in London, u should be able to as well.
     
  6. bookwormBRAZIL

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    You are right OnTheHighway! :lol: My town has many dance clubs. Actually, there is a lot of dance clubs targeted to young people (usually, the dance clubs are not necessarily gay but there are "gay nights"), and I had some great time on them. The problem is: I am so shy!!!! Every time a guy stares at me, I become so embarrassed to keep eye contact :icon_redf

    Anyway, I will explore other venues. I'll give another try to hookup apps... And I will engage myself to discover other gay places in town, why not?

    Thank you for the advice!
     
  7. bookwormBRAZIL

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    Yes, I've been thinking about it... I don't think my first time must be special or something like that, and I know that losing my virginity can't "solve" everything. Anyway, I really want to do it. In this meantime, I am little bit uncomfortable with the idea of having my first sex with anyone. I want to have fun, of course, but I want to be with someone whom I trust.