Let me start off by saying that I'm a woman who has been with a man for five years now. We're engaged, but I haven't been wearing the ring. We don't have sex very often, and I find myself looking at porn (mostly pictures of women) pretty regularly. I regularly fantasize about women and the thought of being intimate (even just kissing or holding hands) with a woman gives me butterflies. I've felt this way for a few years now, but I've stayed with my [now] fiance because he's the best friend I ever had and I can't imagine living life without him. He already feels like family to me, and I love him so very dearly, but sex with him has always felt wrong. Looking back, it seems as if this part of me has always been staring me right in the face. Years ago, I remember sitting in my friend's basement and listening to music with her and getting this overwhelming urge to kiss her. It came out of nowhere, and I immediately dismissed it. I used to get wasted and make out with female friends when I was in high school/early college. Christ, my first kiss was a girl. I don't know how I was able to ignore all of this. And the thing is, I dated guys all throughout high school. I was a serial dater. People thought of me as a slut. I hooked up with random guys and jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend, and I felt nothing for any of them. And that's just how I thought sex was supposed to be-- I had been raised with the Christian idea that sex was supposed to be sacred or whatever, so I wasn't surprised when I "discovered" that it was nothing special. I didn't have a whole lot of close female friends as a teenager, because I had a hard time talking to them. They made me nervous, whereas I always found it easy to talk with guys. I guess I didn't question any of this, because I sort of enjoyed being "one of the guys" or "the cool girl" who likes the stuff guys do. Fast-forward a few years to the very lowest point in my life. I was majorly depressed and on the brink of suicide, living in a new city with lots of acquaintances and zero friends. Then I met my fiance, and things started to change. We had absolutely everything in common, and within weeks I found myself telling him things I had never told anyone before. We waited months before we had sex, and when we finally did, it was disappointing for both of us. At that point, we loved each other enough to look past it, and so we did. And so we continue to. I find myself getting angry at him for pointless things. I yell at him and say things I don't mean. My fuse is ridiculously short now, even though I used to be a very mild-tempered person. I know all of this hurts him, but I can't seem to stop doing it. And I hate myself for it. I feel like I'm hurting him by staying with him, and I know leaving would hurt him to. There is no winning, no matter what I do. I can either lose the closest person in my life or spend the rest of my life living a lie. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach about all of this. I want to be able to love him as fully as he deserves to be. It would be so much easier if I could somehow be wrong about being gay. My anxiety has been on overdrive lately, and I feel like all of the life has been sucked out of me. I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I don't enjoy anything anymore.
First of all, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this. We each have to deal with whatever life throws at us, but be grateful you are realizing this now. You sound lesbian to me. You relationship with your fiance sounds like super good friends not who you want to have sex with. I know there is no easy way out of this. It will hurt you, and it will hurt him either way. BUT in then long run, it will be better for both of you if you're honest with him now instead of 10 years later when you have kids. Be honest, be kind - share what you just shared. Tell him you don't want to hurt him, but that you both deserve to be in long-term relationships with people who love you and you love. Realize that he'll be upset. Give him the time he needs. I think you guys will both be glad that you did. Wishing you luck! I am praying and thinking about you. Stay strong beautiful girl. <3
It's going to be hard. It's going to hurt. I've been married for 19 years to my best friend. If he had told me when we were engaged that he is gay, it would have been hard, but it wouldn't be as hard as it is now, after raising four kids and living our lives together for 18 plus years. Be honest with him. I guarantee he's wondering what's wrong - why you're angry, why you have a short fuse. Give him some time. If he really loves you, if he's really your best friend, he'll understand and he'll want you to be yourself. There's no way about it. If you break up under false pretenses, you'll both be more hurt. If you get married, you'll both be more hurt. I wish I could tell you it's not going to hurt and that it's all going to be okay, but the best I can do is offer support, experience, and hugs (*hug*). Best of luck, seriously.
You are me a year ago! The former serial dater, the five year relationship with a man, engaged, terribly unsatisfied & depressed. Without going into my story in detail, I just want to tell you it gets better. Leaving will suck. He will literally beg you to stay & marry him, at some point you will have break-up sex & doubt yourself that you're actually gay (because why do you keep having sex with him if you're not attracted to him?), you won't be able to sleep for the first few months because you're so used to having him there... it really sucks. It'll suck worse for him. The guilt you feel for hurting him will consume you. But eventually, slowly, you'll move on, you'll rebuild your life. You'll meet someone new who makes you feel all those things you never did with your ex. And you will be so grateful that you had the courage to take that leap of faith. Food for thought: Even if it turn out you're not gay, you're clearly not happy in your relationship, so you probably shouldn't commit to it for the rest of your life anyways. (But you probably are gay.)
