So I have gone through the coming out process in full. (Took about 3-4 months really to tell everyone, though it took about 27 years to tell myself). Now, I am definitely ready to hit the field, but have no idea where to really start. At first, I was really just worried about the girl who I was with at the time (we weren't a couple, but she was really in to me, and I had a lot of guilt about the sexual interaction/flirting we had done and she ended up being the first person I came out to). So my Coming Out was initially riddled with guilt, and I had the lowest libido I've ever had in my life for about a month. Didn't even want to masturbate. Then it took a while for anyone to actually believe that I was gay. (Some people still don't believe me). It actually took me about 2 months to even start realizing "Oh yeah, this means I can actually have sex with dudes now!". Then I just got really excited and super damn horny (like I was going through puberty again). Now, I think I'm "leveled out". I'm wondering if anyone else on here has stories about beginning a homosexual sex life after only exploring a heterosexual sex life before. For me, I am 29 and have only had sex with women. I don't consider myself bi (I MAAAAY be a Kinsey 5 or 5.5, but I think most of that is just knowing that the sensation of a vagina feels good). Deep down, I think I'm on my way to a solid Kinsey 6. Either way, I don't see myself being with women at all anymore (beyond making out or something...which I've still been doing). While in the closet, I basically repressed my attraction to other guys: I have kissed 2 guys before, and had a snuggle-buddy relationship with another closeted bro for about 2 years while I was in the closet (we essentially slept/cuddled together, showered together, had an emotional connection, kissed twice, but never did anything sexual). Last week I went down on a guy for the first time. I enjoyed it, be he was closeted, didn't reciprocate the oral (though we did make out, and he did jerk me off--sorry if this is all becoming an overshare). Anyhow, I feel more comfortable with guys who don't have much experience, but it always seems to lead to awkwardness because I just want normal sexual experiences, or a relationship. Though, I can relate to their unease because I was in the same place not long ago. Anytime a guy would hit on me even I would get uncomfortable. I've tried downloading ******, but I feel like that's a bad place to start. (Anyone have recommendations on other good apps?) Anyhow, there is one guy I really like. We have hung out in the past in groups and always vibed. He is fully out, and has been for a long time. When I met him, I was identifying as straight, though I had thought he'd found out by now that I had come out, apparently he hadn't. We were all out the other night, and he came over to me congratulating me and I was so surprised that he had just heard. The rest of the night he definitely paid more attention to me than usual (he had actually always hit on me before, but he thought I was straight so it was more of a 'friendly-banter' kind of thing). He messaged me a couple of times since (which he had never done before) and asked me to come out to Karoke with friends, but I flaked. I fear I may be doing what I always did with guys before, I just don't really know how to go about it. How do I tell him I'm essentially a virgin (on the gay side), but I'm still interested? I definitely feel ready to have sex with guys, but I'm assuming it will be a bit awkward the first time...
I'm sorry I totally don't ahve great advice because I'm a closeted bi woman but I just wanted to cheer you on. That guy sounds interested to me. I'd try just being friendly and open and see if he wants to go on a date or something before worrying about sex. (Is that hopelessly naive? Do people even date anymore?) The good news is that he KNOWS you just came out! So he is probably not expecting you to have so many notches in your belt.
Thanks CapColors. I'm not sure if people still date. When I was "straight" I rarely went on dates to meet people and always ended up meeting people in groups, friends of friends, just sort of organically...which is also how I met this guy.
To hang out with him, I don't think you have to tell him you're a virgin. You sound like you really like him so explore that as dating. If it becomes sexual, you can mention that you're new to this so you want to go slow or whatever. He'll be understanding. Especially seeing that he's a friend already and is interested in you. It isn't some random dude off an app who is just looking to get off. Good luck!
Nods. Yeah, that's what the young people tell me. Also, if he just likes you as a friend, that's not all bad, either: he can introduce you to other gay guys. Either way, you win.
They guy already seems normal to me (we all have a little kink in us, admit it EC). He's into hanging out, messing around, goofing around, having a drink...just being a dude, a "public" person. So, as stated above, he'll know how to act and how aggressive (vs patient) to be if you (re) confirm that you're newly out and confirm with him that you're new to the sexual relations side of being gay. Surely he's run into guys in your situation before and was probably, in fact, IN your situation before himself. My guess is that you'll both just love making out a bit and feeling the tension build. Good luck! Go gay or go home ;-)
Happy for you Mickey, sounds like things are beginning to happen. I think this guy is definitely reaching out to you, maybe romantically or he could just be inviting you to join a new community. Were his friends at karaoke LGBT as well? Let things progress, keep communicating with him. When the timing is right be honest about where you are at and what you want. It will be awkward at some points there's not much you can do about that. Good luck.
Congrats on navigating the waters on your journey, sounds like your well on your way! I posted this on another thread, but think this is relevant here in terms of meeting people (for either social or sexual relationships, or both): With these suggestions, I can say I have explored most of them myself. And while I prepared a critical path to follow, I actually found that the social relationships I have made since coming out actually came from unexpected places. So, while being proactive gets you going, being open to building relationships might lead to a few surprises. Play the numbers, get out there and keep an open mind. With that, I would suggest looking in your area at: 1. LGBT philanthropies, charities and volunteer groups. These organizations all typically have an open door policy and can lead to building new relationships as you get involved; 2. Try a Meetup group. I have not had personal success with this myself, as I am in London and there are actually just too many here to try and pick from. And as a result, no one meetup seemed to be well attended (or I definitely went to the wrong ones); 3. LGBT Sport leagues. Do an intenet search for your area and see what's available. Try and stick with an activity that you like - even in London there are LGBT country walk groups that were well attended; 4. Social Apps: aside from dates and hookups, these apps, if used properly, can help lead to new friendships. I have made friends on the apps without any notion of romance or sex. That's said, results in your area might be different. Used safely, I was successful navigating the app waters. 5. Professional relationships evolving to social relationships. Once I came out professionally, I found so many other LGBT folks similarly situated as myself. A few after work drinks, and relationships progressed; 6. Networking amongst people you know, once I came out, others were happy to introduce me to friends and acquaintances that were also LGBT; 7. Bars - I do believe bars can be a place to meet people and make friends, not just for trying to find a boyfriend or cruising for a hook up (although that works as well). People go to bars to be social. It's OK to go alone and start chatting with others. That guy sitting on the stool is there for the same reason you are; 8. Simply engaging with others in your daily life! Have you been in a store and sensed the salesperson was LGBT? If so, start a conversation beyond asking about the products at hand. You will be amazed at how open salespeople are, and you might actually click with some leading to friendships or more. This is just a few suggestions. I can go on and on. Hope this helps!
Congrats on Coming Out of the Closet. The air is much better outside of the Closet. Sounds like the guy is into you. Be upfront with him. Tell him your a newbie. The only way you're going to explore being Gay is by associating with others that are Gay. Hope you can sing. The karaoke bar sounds like a good time.
Mickey, I'm in a somewhat similar situation except I'm about 4 years older. I recently came out to myself and some others. However, I have only been with women up until now/recently. I have fooled around with 2 guys since this realization/journey really began, but I have not had sex with a guy. One was a friend of a friend who thought I was straight until we fooled around and he does not know I'm a virgin with guys. The other is a guy I have been spending a lot of time with over the last month and we have fooled around quite a bit. He has given me bjs, but I didn't give him one for a while. However, when I did, it felt much more natural than I expected. Fooling around with guys has felt much more natural than I expected. Anyway, the guy I've spent a lot of time around knows pretty much my whole situation and he didn't seem to have a problem with, in fact, he seemed intrigued. However, some guys are not going to be, it depends on the person. Things have changed between us simply because I am leaving the country, but that is for another post. Anyway, if we're talking actual sex, I want to have a level of trust or kind of know the person I do that with. But I also want to be spontaneous and have new and different experiences. I've done a lot on this journey in a short amount of time and I want to live it up, I have also felt like a teenager since starting this journey, super aroused around the guys I have fooled around with and been flirting a lot on the app that rhymes with kinder. I'm not saying it is the best forum or app for this journey, but I have met some guys that seem to be good guys, and it has certainly been a catalyst in my 'coming out'. My advice would be to never feel obligated or pressured to tell a guy. If you get to a point where it might happen or you just get to know him, let it happen organically or when it just feels right. I will say that if you get to a point where you might have sex, that's a good time to say something as they will likely be able to figure it out anyway. I only told when I was asked. As for something that is probably different and may be TMI for many of you fine people, I have not had an orgasm any of the times I have fooled around with a guy. I know I am still very in my head and maybe they just aren't that good, haha, but the guy I have fooled around with regularly says it makes him feel inadequate. I know now that I have a preference for guys and I am super aroused around them or at the notion of hooking up, but I don't know what to think about the fact that I have yet to reach an orgasm with a guy. Then again, this is all very new and I only fooled around with a guy for the first time starting only about a month ago. Anyone else had this problem when they first came out?
Mickey, I believe you'll find some useful tips in this thread: The Do's and Don'ts of Online Dating. If you want to chat more feel free to write me on my wall
Hey Mickey! I actually don't have any advice to offer you, but I have to say I am in the same situation. I am 25 years old, and just recently came out - I also don't have a lot of experience with hooking up with guys either. For me it is awkward - I would just say find somebody that you're comfortable, and if you're not then don't do it.
Mickey, my situation is not that different from yours...except that I am a lot older than you...44 to be exact. i have only ever had oral with one guy (reciprocal) but that is all. When you find out the answer to your question, can you please let me know the answer too?
